So much confusion

I've been fighting this battle within myself for so long, that I'm sure over thinking and rethinking every little thing every single step of the way has just made it all that much worse. I apologize if any of this is jumbled and rambling I'm just trying to get it all out but its pretty jumbled and rambling in my head.

From a very young age and throughout most of the rest of my life I always had a few really close male friends, looking back at certain points I recognise that at times those friendships turned into crushes on my end. Nothing ever happened sexually but I look back at my feelings now as more then just normal friendships, particularly in highschool I remember getting jealous when my closest friends would get girlfriends.

I dated girls through school and beyond and there seemed to be legit attraction there. However the attraction never seemed the way my brothers got about girls or that my friends got about girls.

They seemed to find every other girl desireable..I didn't. I did recognise physical beauty in some but it was few and far between. I don't recall ever really focusing on guys at this time however there were always older guys/jocks/outcast etc that I spent a fair amount of time thinking about how cool they were.

I moved cities for college and didn't really date at all but I did begin viewing gay porn and found myself fantasising about gay sex a lot. I didn't ever look at a guy and think "wow he's hot" but I thought a lot about gay sex and the male body...at this point I said in my head I was bi-curious. I met a woman at work, we dated and married when I was 23.

I was fairly open with her about my curiousity, I worked a lot and she worked opposite shifts and a few years into the marriage I went back to viewing gay porn, some chatting.
For a number of reasons our marriage ended.

I got completely drunk one night and went to a bathhouse...while there was alcohol in my system I was exhilarated by the incident but when the hangover kicked in I felt a great deal of shame.

The greiving process of my marriage ending led to a few one night stands with women that only ever happened with the aide of alcohol. But gay porn, gay chat, and fantasising became a regular part of my everyday life.

I met another woman which turned into a relationship and when that ended I again resumed the same pattern of before. However, this time while completely sober I met and hooked up with a guy from online-the experience was relatively blah to me...no fireworks like I'd hope for to finally tell me just exactly who I was.

For a short time I thought "well I tried it, guess it wasn't for me" but it didn't take long to start the fantasising again. And then I thought that even with women without some sort of emotional attachment the sex was always blah to me.

What has compounded a lot of this is the fact that between 11-14 I was sexually abused by a male and in my search for self discovery I found that a fairly common form of acting out for victims of sexual abuse is through some same sex attraction in some sort of an effort to recreate the abuse.

For a minute this seemed to click but what has clicked even more for me is that regardless of whether my attractions are my natural orientation or some sort of affect from the abuse it shouldn't really matter, I shouldn't feel guilty for my attractions or desires no matter what the reasoning.

So I came to the conclusion that I must be bi. I've become more comfortable with myself since accepting that for whatever the reasons I have the attractions that I do, I shared this all with a close female friend (the last girl I dated) and have noticed myself for the first time not just fantasising about gay sex, the male body but from time to time actually seeing a guy that I find attractive.

But the confusion continues...as much as I try to be comfortable with myself I wonder if I'm actually gay. I try to say it shouldn't matter what the label is I just need to get out of my shell and meet people and experience life but the label seems to matter to me.

When I fantisise about sex it's almost exclusively gay sex but then I'm left spinning when I think about the women I've had sex with and the attraction I've felt for them. It's such a bizarre thing to say but I often wish I'd never found women attractive at all that that way I'd know exactly who I am.

And then when I think about it to much I question whether I was every really even attracted to any of them.

I've spent a lifetime in my head about all of this and just wish there was a simple answer...