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I think I'm a lesbian...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by teapots, Mar 27, 2013.

  1. teapots

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    Hi,

    I'm 25 now but I've been having sexuality issues for half my life. First off, I was sexually abused and tortured by both men and women as a child but when I was about fifteen I started watching lesbian porn and I've been watching it ever since. I've tried to watch hetero porn but it does nothing for me. I dated a man once and I didn't feel attracted to him at all. I think about women all the time and I don't really notice men unless they creep me out.
    To make matters worse I went to an abuse group at a church and the pastor told me people choose to be gay. Maybe some people do but I definitely don't want to make my life harder than it already is. I feel so vulnerable and confused. I just want to be happy. :frowning2:
     
  2. Femmeme

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    Forgive me for putting this so bluntly, but that pastor is an idiot. Being gay, well sugar we really are just born this way.

    I highly suggest you quit the church led group and find a LGBTQ friendly therapist to talk to.

    <Hugs> Welcome to EC!
     
  3. Ettina

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    I'm sorry about what happened to you as a child. I went through both male and female abuse too.

    The pastor is wrong. Sexuality is not a choice. You can choose whether you listen to your feelings or try to bury them, but you can't choose what you feel.
     
  4. teapots

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    Thank you. It's just really hard. I know I like women and I would like to be with one I just hate it when people try to say being gay "is being your abuse." How can that be when there are plenty of women that were abused that still like men and then there's the whole religious aspect...oh dear don't even let me get started on that. All the men in my family and life were alcoholic, misogynistic control freaks granted, but I don't think that has anything to do with me being gay. I could be like my mom and enjoy waiting on a man hand and foot...but I don't. I'm actually happy for that.

    I guess I could go to a therapist but I don't like them. I've had bad experiences with them. I would like to date or find other lesbians to hang out with or talk to I just don't even know where to start with this whole thing really.

    Thanks for your support. :slight_smile:
     
  5. When did your pastor chose to be straight?
     
  6. That's basically all that needs to be said in a nutshell.(*hug*)
     
  7. Lez

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  8. teapots

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    They do have groups relatively close to where I live I'm just scared t go. My whole life I've focused so much on not dying I never thought about my sexuality before and mostly because I always felt I was just meat parts but even just typing about my feelings for women is empowering. I'm just afraid of being rejected or being treated like a sideshow act. I've really went through a terrible time dealing with all this and trying to be "spiritual" as a counselor once told me but it's not for me. When you go to trauma counseling they offer you pills or God and I've never had an affinity for either. I forced myself to try it and what a mindf@%k it has been. I've always dressed sort of like a boy and liked weird occult stuff and death metal and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It ended up doing more damage than good. I just got to grow a pair again and be myself and not worry about what anyone else thinks. Thanks so much for all the advice.
     
  9. leslly

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    I'm actually in the same boat as you. I was molested as a young girl for four years. I didn't focus on my sexuality, but rather on just getting by. I do suggest getting help by a group or a therapist that is specifically for childhood sexual abuse and, of course, lgbt friendly. Being a group really helps make everything clearer for me and it really does help to figure out how your sexuality and all of your feelings.
     
  10. teapots

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    I tried counseling but I didn't like it. The man who abused me was a sadistic pedophile and I'm all sorts of maimed. I'm trying to not be graphic or trigger anyone but there was a lot sharp objects and weird stuff involved and I find myself feeling like I'm not even human most of the time. He prostituted me and the others were not very gentle as well and it's really hard to find counseling for torture if you're not a refugee. Plus I can't even talk about it. It just makes me enraged and cry and I hate being upset. I know I'm very depressed but there isn't many options besides just doing the best I can and I won't take pills. I don't know it's weird. I'm definitely not minimizing anyone's abuse. It's all horrible it's just sexual abuse counseling never worked for me.

    ---------- Post added 30th Mar 2013 at 08:38 AM ----------

    Now I feel sick. lol You know it's funny how another person's perversion can affect your life so completely even though you wanted no part in it. Even if you choose to be happy despite that the world will always seem hollow and will never hold the same allure. You have to make yourself happy, I know. I try to train myself to have a positive attitude and all that but once you've seen someone writhe in their own blood and beg for mercy it's just never right again. Maybe I don't even have a sexuality. Maybe I'm just spiritually, emotionally, and sexually dead. Oh, my stomach. I'm going to go cry like a pansy now.
     
  11. LoveMusicPoetry

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    Clearly the church and gay people are a very destructive combination. All good advice above, I concur with all the above. That pastor is an idiot. People don't become gay through choice or abuse. I wasn't abused and I never chose to be gay, I just am... and you just probably are as well.

    ---------- Post added 30th Mar 2013 at 01:37 PM ----------

    And I also have a sidewards head...
     
  12. teapots

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    I know it's stupid. I was suggested "spirituality" by a psychologist. The whole experience was like being dragged through broken glass. I don't find myself drawn to any religion. They all lack. I took a behavioral biology course and that was even more fulfilling. Yet you can allow yourself to be brainwashed by it in a pathetic attempt to fill a void which is what I did. Fillin' the wound with God and glue...good times.
     
  13. Priiiide

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    Maybe by spirituality he meant meditation? Or Art therapy? I hear those things are effective for victims of trauma. I'm not sure where you're from so who knows what he meant. Are there any other counsellors or psychs where you live? Perhaps females?
     
  14. teapots

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    Yeah, there are counselors around but not one that specializes in sadistic sexual abuse and torture. I was put on Abilify once and I literally drooled on myself so I stopped taking it. If the goal is to simply sedate me then I would rather die by my own hand. It's infuriating that because of the lack of real justice in our world the pharmaceutical companies rake in a killing off of other's misfortunes. Antidepressant companies target women especially. It's disgusting.
    I've tried Buddhism, Hinduism. prayer, meditation, and it all just seems like complete bullsh*t to me. I used to draw quite bit actually. I just lack interest in everything even worse than before. Unfortunately, once it's gone it's gone. I'm just too tired and apathetic of the burden presented to me these days. I'm almost wondering if suicide is the best idea in all practicality. Extreme, yes but better than living as a husk.
     
  15. leslly

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    There are times, when I'm really depress and I remember my own sexual abuse, I want to kill myself. But then I realize how cowardly I am. I tell myself that I can't just give up on living because someone decided to fuck my life up. They might have fucked my life up, but they didn't fuck up my ability to choose to live. I know this is easier said than done, but don't give up. The best revenge is to live and be happy, whether you're gay or straight.
     
  16. teapots

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    I don't think suicide is a matter of being "cowardly" unless you do it out of impulse instead of mulling it over for quite some time. Since good and evil don't exist in nature I don't think there's any moral reason for committing or not committing the act. It's simply a matter of logical thinking. I have a fair amount of brain damage and so my emotions are very flat. I don't express feeling very well and I haven't felt happy in thirteen years. I don't have anyone in my life that truly cares for me and my family is toxic, alcoholic, and drug addled and there is no such thing as a "true friend." All my ambition is gone. I have no dreams and I go through the motions of day to day. There's a point where taking the "I'm living for revenge" route is a little redundant. That I simply take up space and have no motivation to better myself is enough of a reason to execute myself. Why would I choose to continue to put myself through the misery of being all but physically dead just so I can tell myself that I choose to live? This isn't living.