Holy sh*t. I've discovered a lot over the past few hours that explains my current grappling with my sexual orientation. But to explain this, I'll start when I was little. As far back as I can remember, I was gay. I remember watching a Scooby-Doo episode and Fred took his shirt off and I was just blown away--that's the first erection I remember getting. That was when I was somewhere between 4 and 5. This continued, I didn't know it then, but I was definitely attracted to men. Then came six and a half. This is the part I just discovered. I had a babysitter whom my parents used pretty frequently from when I was six until I was eight. She was a really unusual person. What I've just learned is that she forced me to engage in sexual acts with her. I came to discover this through a few ways. I have a vague recollection of sexual stuff that happened, but I always thought it was a weird dream. But it definitely solidified when I saw her again at the mall today. Because I'm sort of OCD, I decided to look up her name on the sex offender registry. And there it was, her name, with a residence in my county. (Note: please don't give me advice on this; I've gone to the police and everything, my question is not related to this.) This explains some really weird things about me. I have a general attraction to men. But I have some weird things that I'm attracted to, all of which were found on her. What I mean is that I have a "normal" set of sexually attractive things that I had before this experience, and then I have these other unrelated feelings. The latter are much more intense; I get an erection nearly instantly from even the mention of these things, while for the stuff I've felt forever, it takes about a minute. I'll list these characteristics in terms of how much they sexually excite me. She was overweight. Very overweight. As in 400 pounds. Her hair was about knee length. She had gigantic breasts. Her fingernails were about 4 inches long. These are all very embarrassing, but those characteristics make me go crazy sexually. But that's not the whole story. Whenever I am aroused by those characteristics, I don't get a regular erection. It's more like a fear one. I call it a scarection. It's not a pleasant experience. But when I see a hot guy, it's much more pleasurable. Obviously this is impractical, since I'm 100% gay romantically. Also, I don't want to be attracted to those characteristics, because I don't like the feeling of it. So how can I get rid of this attraction? Please help--I really need this, because if I'm ever in a relationship with a man and he sees me aroused about something a female has, that would be really bad.
Your arousal or erection to the thoughts of this woman does not sound like you are genuinely sexually attracted to her or those characteristics. It is a reaction from fear and I'm wondering if this has the same effect on others that have been sexually abused. I had to google scarection up to understand what it means, and I don't think it is a technical clinical term. Maybe there is a technical name for it? While I am no expert on this, it seems like this is simply a different way of being aroused. Remember, you can be aroused by a variety of things that are you are not necessarily sexually attracted to. For example, a bumpy bus ride can be arousing. These thoughts do seem distressing for you. I would see a therapist and discuss them. They don't seem pleasant. One way we can sort of reduce the intensity of our thoughts would be to simply make them a non-issue. Acknowledge they are there but don't try to not think of them. Don't let them bother you. This may be difficult, but the more you dwell on it, the more likely they won't go away.
(*hug*)Caudex, what you're describing is really, really common among sexual abuse survivors. What happens is, at an early age, when we have sexual contact, we're too young to mentally process what's going on, so it often gets repressed out of memory (which is what seems to have happened in your case.) And the byproduct is, exactly as you describe, inappropriate erections, sexual arousal associated with fear or discomfort, or sometimes, as seems to be happening with you, with physical characteristics of the abuser. This is an entirely unconscious response. I very, very strongly recommend that you get into therapy. Sexual abuse, particularly abuse as severe as what you are describing, is generally not something you can effectively work through without help, and if you don't get therapy, it is going to affect your relationships in all sorts of ways, none of which are positive. The good news is, because you've identified it at a relatively early age (many guys don't ever think about or talk about what happened to them until their 30s or later) it will be much easier to address and heal it if you get help now. You need to find a therapist with extensive experience working with male abuse survivors; this is a specialty and a therapist without the specialized knowledge and training won't be of much help, and could potentially make things worse. If you need some help identifying someone in your area, let me know, I have some resources and networks I can check with to see if there are any recommendations in your area. The thing to remind yourself as you're healing is this is in the past. Although the aftereffects are still there, you will be able to get through it, and the worst of it is already behind you
