1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Fear of intimacy or gay?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by OverHere, Mar 29, 2013.

  1. OverHere

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2013
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Hi everyone,

    I am a 32 year old female. I've never been in a serious relationship and was raised in an awful, strict, religious cult. Recently, in my adult life, I've lost my virginity to a guy. Since I was little I've always had crushes on guys. At the age of 9 or 10, I remember fantasizing about the ballerina's on my wall and how they would look naked.

    During my teenage years, I'd have very vivid dreams about kissing girls. I prayed to God to make them stop and not let me be gay. I kissed my first guy at 14. My female friend at the time actually asked me if I wanted to practice kissing her. I told her no, but secretly thought about it through my teenage years. (I ended up moving away to another city in high school.)

    My parents were pretty strict and I was forbidden to have a boyfriend through my high school years. I was a good Christian (yuck) and repressed a lot of my sexuality. However, I remember watching a softcore lesbian porn on Cinemax and being so turned on. Of course the rest of my night was spent praying away my sins...:dry:

    I finally kissed a girl, my friend, when we were drunk in a bar at 23 and felt horribly paranoid after doing so. Slowly, I started to come out of the religious cult I was heavily involved in and live with a freer, guiltless, experimental mindset.

    At 27-28, I lost a lot of weight, gained confidence and lost my virginity to a guy at the ripe old age of 29. It was ok. No fireworks went off.

    I made up for lost time and have had sex with men and women. I've had really great experiences with guys and girls. I've always fantasized about being in a relationship with man. However, as I was going through my online dating profile, I find something wrong with each of the men on there. I recently ended things with a guy due to drug use and him being a player....which are valid reasons in my book.

    My mom asked recently what I am looking for and if I'd ever been with another girl! This shocked me! I am so confused. I've had fun times with women, but I cannot see myself holding hands, dating one, ect. I'm wondering if I'm gay or I have a terrible fear of intimacy? I've moved around a lot in my life. My dad moved our family around 15 times before I graduated high school just because he enjoyed it. I often wonder if I'm just repeating a pattern of rejecting people because I've had an unstable childhood? Or am I gay? I've read books on fear of intimacy and it fits my behavior to a T. But sometimes I am so bored with guys, I think somethings going on and I'm not sure what?!!! I *always* have more fun on girls night out than when I'm dating a guy. What's going on?

    Thank you for reading this and I welcome thoughts and opinions.
     
  2. nylondon

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2013
    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I think really, it's up to you to assess how you've felt in regards to your experiences with men and women. You say it's possible you fear intimacy - do you mean sexual or emotional? Either way, I can definitely relate to your predicament.

    My personal experience is this. Being very attracted to women but deep down feel like you couldn't date one, yet with guys it being the other way round: liking the idea of dating a guy but when it comes down to it, it's like... oh, maybe not. As you say, it just feels boring and I just think of how much better it would be if it were a girl. For me at least, I think those recurring thoughts about being with guys is like my mind trying as best as possible to be "normal"; to conform to what I know is expected of me, even though deep down it is not what I actually want.

    If you were less than impressed with your experiences with men, but enjoyed ones with women (even though, at this point, you don't feel you could have one as a life partner) it's possible you're gay. Honestly I have asked myself the same question before as to whether I'm gay or fear intimacy, so you're not alone.