So for 23 years (my whole life) I have thought myself straight. I will admit there were times it didn't feel right to say that yet I never really questioned it or went beyond thinking there was more to me. I have lots of friends and am actually quite social yet I definently consider myself a loner because I enjoy being alone (most of the time). Anyways for my entire life I was attacted to women and always wanted a girlfriend but I lacked courage and hated myself when I couldn't ask them to dance. I have fooled around with them but have never gone all the way. I enjoyed everytime except for my last (but all I did was finger) and that stuck with me and bothered me for the longest time. Then about 3 months ago everything seemed to come crashing down. I became obsessed with my sexaulity and now more then ever seem to be bothered by it. I have never been attracted to guys though I did apprectiate a well toned body probably because of my own out of shap body. About 3 months ago a voice in my head basically attacked me and said that I was gay. Slowly I succomb to it and figured I was deep in the closet. My attraction to women virutally vanished for those 3 months and I was starting to notice guys. This royally pissed me off. I became paranoid around friends I have known for years and was becoming aroused around them and gay images began to pop in my head. I figured I had ocd of some kind so i continued to go out with all my friends and still was losing attraction to women and guys were becoming more noticble. However a few weeks ago my attarction kind of came back to girls but there was also an attraction to guys. I decided to find out which one would actually get me aroused so I watched gay and lesbian porn. Both highly aroused me however I forced myself to finish the gay porn and...well you know...but it felt kind of wrong (forgive me if this offends anyone) I didn't enjoy watching it the entire time and for the 1st time ever while masturbating I felt regret. When I watched the lesbian porn I was highly aroused but when it came time to finish something also didn't feel right. These both affected me so much that I doubt I will ever look at gay porn or probably any porn ever again. When I'm out in public I definently notice women more, alone at home on the internet definently men, and when i fantasise its about a 50/50 (men however are currently a little more and the girls are little more forced yet I get aroused to them quicker). I've had crushes on women never on men and right now there are at least 3 girls I have crushes on but they all have boyfriends :dry: so I'm kind of at a loss there. Heres the thing I don't think I could ever have sexual intercourse with a guy no matter what my head says I know that. I will admit I use to be homophobic but I have one group of friends that really knew how to have fun and get me over that stupid obsession. I have always supported gay rights and feel they deserve equality like the rest of the world. However this...or that...life is not me wether its because I've been programed that way or because of the pressure of society its something I just can't do. When I think of men I envision me and my buddies playing video games and watching movies not someone to cuddle, hold hands, kiss, etc. When I envision women I see a future but a future I feel I might be manipulating. I don't know what my options are because to be honest I feel it would be a lie to be with a woman (and I promise whoever I date I will be completely honest about my situation) and with men I feel Id never truly be happy. I can hear many of you saying go with the flow or experiment well here is another thing...I'm definently asexual...I have a very low sex drive and have no real desire to experiment with either yet I want companionship. I know I'm a difficult one to work with but sometimes hearing the opinion of others gives me a little relief or a little more to think about. I won't go to therapy because I never really believed in it. I know none of you can tell me what I am but what do you think? Am I so in the closet that I'm bound for a life of solitude or do I sound like a bi guy who is just to stupid to make up his own mind?
Wow, that all sounds complicated. :icon_sad: Even if you don't believe in therapy, keep in mind doctor/patient confidentiality. At least you could talk to a therapist openly without the concern of them talking to someone else. Plus, they might help you work through some of your confusion about your sexuality. You can always quit after that. I was formerly self-hating and homophobic when I was younger too, and it took me a long time to realize that I was bi and to accept myself. I can't help you with the possibly asexual part, but I can tell you that being bi was confusing before I realized it. The fact that I was attracted to women overshadowed my attraction to men. I thought, "well, I like girls, so I'm not gay." I just didn't think about it beyond that until some things in my life forced me to. I kinda had to realize that the way I felt around certain other boys my age wasn't really platonic. Like you, when I finally admitted to myself that I liked the fellas, it was like something in me was unleashed and could look at men sexually at a conscious level because I was now "out to myself" and it kind of overshadowed my attraction to girls for a while. At the time it felt like a switch had been flipped and I was suddenly into guys, but after a few years of reflection I realized that wasn't accurate. Thinking back on when I was younger, I realized plainly that I was attracted to some of my male friends as a child and just didn't know it at the time, but it made absolute sense to me as an adult. I had friends that I liked and disliked simultaneously. The way I looked at some of them, the way I was inexplicably drawn to certain boys who were jerks but handsome and/or athletic. I was like, "oh crap, it was there the whole time and I some how managed to miss it." What I'm saying is, sexuality may be fluid and shift a bit over your life, but I don't think it suddenly comes gushing out of nowhere apropos of nothing. If you think back to when you were younger, I'd wager there was some latent same-sex attraction here and there you were oblivious to or on some level chose not to acknowledge. Being bi is tricky, but now that I accept myself I think I'm lucky because I'm able to fall in love with about anyone. The being highly aroused followed by feeling "wrong" bit; I'm not sure. Maybe you liked it and that thought horrifies you or you're still conflicted about what you're into. But I can tell you this, the belief that you can't have a future with a guy is bullshit; you can still have biological kids or you can adopt if that's what you want. And you don't know you won't be happy with someone you've yet to meet. Any guy or girl could wander into your life and blow away all of your thoughts on the subject like that. That being said, marrying a girl is socially easier because you won't have to put up with homophobic idiots, but neither option means you'll suddenly stop being attracted to the other sex if you are indeed bi. If you "pair off" with someone strictly for social convenience, you'll both be miserable. So whether you settle down with a guy or a girl, just make sure it's someone you actually like. I am kind of confused by the low libido thing and crushing on several people at once, , I hope you get a handle on it hon :smilewave This should go without saying, but real relationships and sex aren't like porn, so keep that in mind before you decide to do anything. Finally, I love video games and some "guy" stuff. (I like "chick" stuff too though. ) Just because you date a guy, doesn't mean you can't do guy things together. Each relationship is unique; you could very easily meet a guy who wants to play basketball with you and then jump into the shower with you after a couple of games, :icon_mrgr In fact, a really confident masculine guy can get me revved up without saying a word! Or if that's not your thing that's fine. I guess I'm not too clear about whether or not you want a celibate non-cuddling male or female companion or if you are interested in occasionally being intimate. You yourself don't seem to be very sure of what your own options are, but you do have them you know. You are capable of being happy with either a guy or a girl if you let yourself be. Don't doom a relationship before it even starts.
Yes Ettina a literal voice...It sucked all I could ever hear in my head was it saying I was gay but thankfully it stopped at least 2 weeks ago yet my questioning is still there. Thanks guys! After a little review of myself I am definently bi and it scares the crap out of me. I'm just still thankful that my attraction to girls is at least kind of coming back. To be honest Its easier to fantasie and get aroused by them then guys. I still have no desire to 'embrace' this other half of me. I've always been one to stick it to society and quite frankly don't care what most people think of me so its not really society affecting it me its me not being able to accept myself. I know most of my friends and family would be supportive (hopefully) but I just can't believe that I would have lied to myself for over a 3rd of my life (history says I ain't gona make it that long) and I don't want to give up my attraction to women ever regardless if I with a man or not. I still don't think I could actually do it with a guy as the only real thing that I can imagine would be a turn would be an hj. Even the buff guys who were turning me on is kind of losing its vibe. I still have no desire to look at gay porn but I'm actually giving up porn all together as I feel I've done it enough for a while. Looking back at my past there were definently times where I had gay moments but still never had those feelings for guys. I've had people say you were confusing admiration for sexual desire...well no I really admired my friends for their qualities not there appeal to my eyes. My biggest problem is still that my brain won't settle on calming down it just has to know what I favor more. Some days guys and some days girls. When I try to masturbate strictly to one the other enters my mind in the end or starts it. This sucks... I would have much rather have been blind and content with my life then have my eyes opened to the truth...I mean seriously whats to stop me from developing feelings for the other sex when I'm in a realtionship? I use to not even care about relationships or meeting someone because all I wanted to do was travel and go on adventures but now I find myself confined to my room with my games all the freaking time...Its not fair that my dreams need to suffer because of this...
Hey dude, I don't mean to be insensitive, but calm down. It's not the end of the world, and it doesn't need to make your dreams suffer. You don't have to give up your attraction to women, even if you're with a man. It's okay if you still like the other sex when you're in a relationship; if you're bi, you're bi regardless of who you're dating. If you're worrying about falling in love with someone of the opposite sex of the person you're dating... well, that kind of thing can happen if they're the same sex, too. So it shouldn't be any more of an issue than before. I'm bi, and I have a boyfriend. But I still like girls, and I'm open with him about it. I mean, why would you have to give up an attraction for the sex you're not currently dating? I know I wouldn't be able to if I tried. No need to strictly concentrate on one sex. You don't have to favor one over the other. I mean, it's fine if you do, but no need to worry about it. I know it's confusing, but it will be fine. It's really hard at first, but it gets better once you have time to figure things out. Relax.
