I have no idea what my sexual orientation is, and although it's irrational, I'm a bit afraid. My parents would accept me no matter what (unless I was into dogs or cousins or something, but that's beside the point); thing is, I don't want to read too much into things and freak out needlessly (which is something I'm prone to do.) So, here're the symptoms: (1) As a kid, I was attracted to guys, but it always felt 'forced'. Like, 'wow there, he's cute, guess I'm attracted to him!' sorta deal. (2) Then suddenly I had no sexuality. Like none. At all. Zero. Zip. For the most hormonal years of a teen's life. Like wut. (3) Therefore, everyone thought I was gay, and I suspected it too when all of a sudden out of frigging nowhere, I was *le gasp* actually attracted to someone! Just like when I was a little kid! ... aaaaand it was a girl. Awk. (4) But shortly after that I sorta went back to my 'meh' stance on sexual attraction UNTIL (dun dun dah) I met a guy I like le-loved. Except, to be honest, I never really wanted to have sex with him. Weird. And that's the thing; I'm a virgin, so of course it stands to reason that I'm just thinking all this because I've never experienced sex. Yet I'm sort of paranoid. I've been force-fed by literally everyone that sex = pregnancy/AIDS no matter what so now I'm all freaked out and shit. Yet at the same time, I'm attracted to noooooo one. Like, and I've said this for a while, private parks freak me out. Boobs are weird looking. They're like awkward sacks of doom. Penises are- well, I don't even want to begin on the bizarre structure of a penis. It's like, what happened. What is that thing. I just I don't even. And like, I have a vagina, and that thing still baffles me. It's got like mystery folds and crap. Like, I could store the entirety of Rhode Island in there. Really, what IS in there? It's like a magical maze into What-the-Hell land up in there. Like really. Ew. And this is my problem. I like the sensation of sex (I masturbate, whatevs, yay forever alone!), but I have no interest in having someone sweating and heaving over me. Like wut. That's nasty. Stahap. It's probably most likely due to the fact that I'm incredibly disgusted with my body shape (I'm fat, wheee), and again, I don't like the female form, so I look at myself naked in the mirror and go "GADZOOKS, WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD PENETRATE THAT?!", and sort of recoil in pain. Like it's all flabby and awkward looking. I just can't imagine me having sex, I'd feel bad for anyone who did, like, "really dude? You could've done better." And that's my problem. I can't tell if I'm naturally asexual because I'm legitimately not attracted to the human body (the closest I can get is the chest of a man, but really, penises are just ugh, why), or if I'm just so emotionally damaged that I prevent myself from being attracted to someone out of shame. Because I go through moments where I'm literally attracted to anything that frigging moves (with various degrees of shame), regardless of gender or whatever, and just being repulsed by everything. And now it's bad 'cause I keep having these frigging dreams where I'm making out with my friend and I know he'll never break the friendzone with me even though, you know, sexual tension and all that magical stuff, and yet I just, ugh, why. It's also weird because I'm sort of fascinated with the LGBT community and feel connected to it, but yet I don't feel queer. I know I'm not gay 'cause I can't imagine having sex with only women, but then again I can't imagine having sex with only men, or just having sex at all. The whole thing just seems so awkward. So, there you go. Halp.
.....i'm sorry, i lol'd at the way you worded and phrased some things. i think that the very way you wrote this post says a lot about your view regarding your sexuality.... i mean, why are you paranoid about the possibility of being asexual and why did you use the term "symptom" to describe your experiences, as if asexuality is some sort of disease....? would being asexual really be that bad? anyway, i think that you have a lot going on and because of that i hesitate to voice an opinion either way regarding whether or not i think you may be asexual. on one hand you may be asexual, but i also feel there's a high chance that you are simply repulsed by sex/private body parts for some reason or another. (see this thread re: being sex-repulsed vs asexual: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexua...support/88239-asexuality-but-preferenced.html) it should be noted that having an aversion towards sex and/or body parts has nothing to do with asexuality at all. you've mentioned sometimes feeling attraction towards people regardless of gender. perhaps it would help you to know that sexual attraction is not the only type of attraction that one feels. there is also romantic attraction, sensual attraction and aesthetic attraction. see the image in the thread linked above for more information on those. perhaps you have the potential to be romantically/emotionally attracted to someone regardless of gender (= "panromantic"), which says nothing about who you may or may not be attracted to sexually (if anyone at all) as sexual attraction is a separate matter. one can be panromantic and still be heterosexual, homosexual, asexual, etc. anyway, back to your sexuality.... why are you paranoid about it? honestly, if you were to find out with 100% certainty what your sexuality is today, what would change for you...? will it put you at ease in some way or will it just bring about a whole new set of questions and confusion....? i ask because it seems like so many young people are determined to find a word to label themselves with seemingly thinking that once they've found that everything else in their life will inevitably fall into place. for some people maybe that is the case, but to me it seems like that wouldn't be the case for you. granted i'm just some person on a forum who's basing this on a single post that you've made, but that's the impression i've gotten. take a moment to just breathe, relax and acknowledge that there are many people who are repulsed or indifferent towards certain body parts and/or sex; it's not as uncommon as one may think and it isn't generally a sign of some deeper problem. realize that there's really no point in freaking out over/being paranoid about whatever sexual orientation you may have; it's simply a part of you like your hair & eye color and freaking out about it isn't going to help anything. there's no need to rush in finding out this kind of thing; as it is just a natural part of who you are, it will become clear to you in time whether you put effort into finding it out or not. that said, i completely understand being curious and wanting to come to some conclusion sooner rather than later... just be aware (and i am saying this totally as a general statement and not specifically about you) that sometimes desperation/paranoia can lead to seeing things that aren't really there.... just my 2 cents...
Ha, ok, I know you're asking for help in posting this so my mentioning it may be inappropriate: Dear you will have no problem finding someone that likes you, for your personality alone. In an attempt to withhold too much flattery, for fear of sounding like a creeper, shall I just say, trust me - you haven't a problem there. As for the orientation, just reading through your examples, it sounds like you are indeed asexual. This does not mean that you have to be without romance, since you're not alone. It just means the dating pool shrank a bit. Like, not shriveled into nothing, but I'm thinking search for other people with low libidos, if not being aces themselves...anyways, I'm not terribly knowledgeable as to how to go about it, so I'm hoping all the aces on EC can contribute in helping you out. And perhaps you're not asexual, who knows - that'd just be my initial thoughts in reading through what you posted.
Sounds a bit like me. When I was 10-12 years old, I used to convince myself I had crushes on boys. I would look at a boy, analyze whether they had any physical features I liked, and if so, then I'd decide I had a crush on them, and start acting the way I thought someone with a crush should act. (It really was as conscious and thought-out as that. Somehow I thought everyone did that.)
Don’t overthink it that much. When you meet the right person you’ll just know. Focus on other things! And if you really don’t like your body shape, maybe you could try some kind of sport? To keep your body as active as your mind is. I also don’t feel attracted to every human being I meet. But maybe it’s because I need to feel close to them emotionally first.
