To all who read this and offer some help I thank you in advanced. So i have been having panic attacks and have pretty much talked myself into the fact that i am gay over the past week or two. I am a 26 year old male who has always identified as a straight man until now. Not that I have never thought about it in the past or questioned it but at this point I cant shake the feeling that I am. The truth is I have been finding men attractive. I have no desire to take them out on a date nor do I fantasize about them later I just feel like wow they're attractive and i get this warm feeling inside. I watched a gay porn last week thinking that it might help me with my decision but in all reality I found the guys to be somewhat attractive but the act not to be. To give you some more insight into me, I suffer from depression and anxiety. I have been off my meds for a few months as I felt i no longer needed them and also quit smoking weed after doing so all day everyday for almost two years a month ago which in retrospect was self medicating. I recently started dating a girl who I had a major crush on for 6 months. She was unavailable for a long time after I told her how i was feeling then when I thought all hope was gone she broke up with her guy and decided to start seeing me as she said she had been thinking about me a lot. After a month of seeing each other and feeling everything was perfect emotionally and sexually we officially started dating. Though she never said anything about it I decided to quit smoking weed altogether at this time as I felt she deserved a better me and I was getting tired of being stoned all the time. Since then things had been pretty great with us but i started to getting my anxiety and depression back and I lost that spark and attraction for her Last week while watching a TV show I saw two guys kissing and found myself attracted to one of the guys and this is when my week of hell began. I obsessed over the fact that since the guy was gay and I was attracted to him that I too must be gay. I was totally convinced for a few days that i was gay so I broke up with my girl. I told her that it was because of some petty differences that we had between us that I dont think many people would brake up over these things. After a couple of days I decided to apologize to her and we got back together. I have since told her about what is going on but she says she loves me and doesn't think that I am gay so wants to go through this with me. I also want to mention that I did perform homosexual acts towards another guy at one period in my life, it was in my childhood and ended when I was 14. There was never any penetration or even a desire to kiss each other, just rubbing and oral. When I look back on it I feel that it was all in good fun and nothing to do with love or lust, it just felt good. During this same period I did have crushes on girls as well but was a very shy with girls so never experimented with any of them. I dont want to dwell on this history of mine (though I am a bit) as I have read that many straight men have had these experiences, but I have also thought that maybe this shows a sign into who i am so i figured i would add this too. Another thing i want to mention is that I have been able to be turned on and masturbate to straight porn successfully thousands of times over, and have also been able to have sex with woman many times over and enjoy it without thinking about men, it just felt natural. I keep telling myself that proves that I am straight. I have a gay younger brother, 24 years old, who i have openly discussed this with and he doesnt think I am gay. He said that he has seen me in a couple heterosexual relationships and doesn't think that a gay man could be as happy as I was in these but i just cant shake the feeling or better word fear that I am. At this point Im hoping to get some opinions from users on this site to get some insight as to whether I am just freaking out and am in a bad place and therefore can't feel the attraction to my girl or if I should pursue this somehow. I am going to see a psychiatrist in a couple of weeks to get me back on meds to settle me down. I am still thinking that i might be gay but at this point another part of me is thinking that I am just confused and the fact that i am not on my meds is making this into something way bigger than it should be. Thanks all for your support and words of wisdom.
Given the amount of biochemical changes you've been going through recently, I'd suggest getting back on your meds and stabilizing and then seeing how you feel. FWIW I don't get the sense that your gay based on what you've written here and I've been actively 100% gay for decades.
The other guy was my age, actually a year younger than me. He was my next door neighbour. Why do you ask?
So I'm pretty sure Im a straight male who can appreciate the looks of a good looking guy and by being able to do so my mind has become scared that means I am a homosexual. I'm not by any means opposed to homosexuality, it just doesn't float my boat. It's such a weird place to be though questioning everything and feeling so sure that you are gay when if you really listen to your body you aren't. I'm still going through anxiety over all of this but to a way lesser degree. It is when I am calm and serene that I truly know that I am straight but as soon as I see an attractive male or start thinking about all of this I start obsessing over the fact that I might be gay. This is how my brain has been working lately...I see an attractive male, I think to myself that guy is good looking...but if I can say that he's good looking I must be gay...but I don't want to be gay...I can't ever picture myself with a man...so what is going on???? But I think he is good looking so yep I'm gay...and then I start checking out both guys and girls to reassure myself that I'm not gay and eventually I just get all messed up about how I feel over either gender! It's just sooooo unsettling to me! Im pretty sure that Im just over thinking everything. Like I have read elsewhere this shouldn't be something that you should have to ponder over, you just should feel it and by over thinking everything it just lets anxiety feed into itself more and more. I can't believe I'm writing this down yet I'm still feeling really unsettled about everything. I just feel that my brain has made some weird connection by allowing myself to think that I am gay because I can tell if a guy is attractive. Does any of this make sense to anyone else or an I just rambling and hoping that is all this is? Btw just wanted to say thank you for your reply AKtodd. It's nice to get some feedback, and some reassurance.
You sound alot like me but the only difference being ive never had a homosexual encounter or sex with a girl yet. Ther hasnt beent been a day in the last 4 months that i havent questioned myself about my sexuality and its driving me crazy. I could give a crap about what society thinks of me but i cant seem to accept myself as straight gay or even bi. I have no desire to experiment with the same sex or really the opposite sex to because of this im stuck in this god forsaken state of anxiety/stress... Im no dr but from what ive read up of all the stuff going on its very possible we have ocd. There will be people on here who dont believe that but i also suffer from paranoia of equally and far more stressful questioning then wondering if im gay. To help the questioning stop for at least awhile surround yourself with friemds whenever possible, stay active with chores, exercise, movies, etc. And just let the thoughts and questioning be by accepting that its there and moving on with your life. In the end ask yourself can you truly see yourself with a man? Hope this helps! Btw i reccomend getting back on your meds
Join the club, friend. I was like you for practically my whole life (including the fooling around), but then I couldn't get the gay fantasy out of my head (thinking of dicks and climaxing), especially while having sex with my LTR girlfriend. I came out to myself (with great peace) at my therapist's office as gay (maybe like 70% gay) with great peace. It has been a struggle to accept myself fully, probably considering my history, which was almost identical to yours. I think if you have such fantasies, you are probably bi on some level, whatever it is. Sexuality is a spectrum. I still have days when I dream and fantasize about girls, like the good old days. But I always think that it's a lie, and that I'm really gay, and it makes me feel better, no matter how attracted to the girls I might think I am. And my sexuality has been nice and fluid. I'd love to come to peace with myself too. But as long as I keep trying to think I'm a straight guy, I know I am lying. At least those are my thoughts. Even thinking I'm bi seems like BS sometimes, because of my overwhelming arousal to guys these days. I keep hoping it's a psychological issue I have. Like, even before puberty, I hated women, including my mom, through probably little fault of her own. And living with a girl, I have the feeling I'm living with my mom, and why would I wanna fantasize about my girl or other women? In spite of the fact that that's all I got off to as a kid and through my adult years? So I kinda think I'm using what was my latent bisexuality and getting off to it. That it's more comfortable to get an erection to guys because I'm more cool with dudes and hate them less. Idk. Maybe I'm really messed up in the head. Or I'm just a gay man in denial. Or both.
Hey, you sound a lot like me with some minor differences maybe. I am still in the process of trying to figure myself out completely. Went through the hell of HOCD last couple of weeks, but todays guess would be that we are mostly straight, but if you look at sexuality as a spectrum then a bit towards bisexual or bi-curious may be a better term.. Just try to be true to yourself and accept it whatever it is..
Hello All, Thanks again for everyones input, but i yet again have another question for the gay male members in hopes that the answer might help me figure some stuff out. OK so I had been pretty sure that I was of the straight orientation again right up to this morning when I started stressing out again about the whole situation. My question is this If you are gay would you fantasize about the men that you find attractive? The reason I ask is because i never do with these guys that I find good looking. I simply feel the attraction but could never picture myself kissing them or doing oral with them or having sex with them for that matter. I figured if I was truly gay I would fantasize about doing these things with that person and feel good about it. The truth is I try to picture myself doing these things and it doesn't do anything for me? I have even watched some more gay porn and though it no longer creeps me out and I can now stand to watch it, it doesnt get me rocking if u catch my drift? I just feel weird about it. Is this denial is some way? Also I just find it so odd that I am dwelling on all of this today when I had an amazing heterosexual experience last night with my girlfriend. I could barely resist ripping her clothes off of her before we went out for dinner and by the time we actually did go out, after making out and rubbing each other clothes on, I was so turned on I was leaking pre cum. After dinner we ended up having a great night in bed meaning i was able to climax without thinking about gay sex at all. Not that i ever have had to picture men but I just wanted to make sure everyone knew that. So I keep asking my self do I just find these men attractive and because im still on edge my head goes into a anxious response or am I really gay and eventually if im exposed to more gay sex i will start fantasizing about these men. Does anyone have any similar experiences and what happened? Anyhow feel free to ask questions and thanks again for any guidance i can get!
Ok so it's been a while since my original post and Im now really thinking that I am gay. Isn't it so odd that I just don't know? Is it normal to question ones self so much and flip flop from feeling one way and then another? I feel like my body had been lieing to me for years about my sexual attraction towards women? Was it? At this point I honestly don't feel the slightest attraction towards women. I use to love breasts but now that lust has gone along with my lust for them in general. I'm sure there are many people in this forum who have had opposite sex relationships in the past an before they had come out to themselves so I have a question for you? Did you ever have feelings or were sexually attracted to women at one point and then when you came out those feelings just vanished? I am really having a hard time accepting that all those feelings were a farce. And I am afraid of truly admitting to myself that I may be gay because it was never something that I wanted or could for see in my future. I just feel like maybe if I felt that way over women at one time those feelings will come back... I'm feeling really scared and confused. Thanks for your time.
Wow. There is some serious confusion here! I thought that I was straight so got married and had kids, I believed I was one way, so I acted as I believed I was. I also "knew" (but did not respect, acknowledge, etc.) that I had a "thing" for guys. In other words, I had no words for what it was, I had not "come to terms" with what it was, which is a classic reference to coming out. I married and got busy with starting a family, it was decent enough sex at the beginning, but that "thing" became stronger every year, and my marriage, which is now ending, became weaker. Yes, I was attracted to women, but there were many occasions when I turned down some advances from some very beautiful women (this was supporting evidence for my later acceptance). So, attraction to women, yes, attraction to guys YES, it's a matter of degree and it has strengthened over time (or perhaps it is more accurate to say that my resistance to being gay has weakened considerably over time).
