I would like to tell you my story. Almost all my life I thought Im straight. I remember when I was child (about 10) I looked on pictures of naked woman in magazines and movies, I used to stole my sisters magazines for girls because here were some pictures of naked girls. I liked magazines about cars especially page where were girls without t-shirt by the cars. When I saw naked man I felt nothing...I was sure that I liked girls. When I was 14 I read an article about bodytypes and sexual orientation. It was the first time when I started to ask myself. Because I was very fat so I checked my body and compare it with the informations in the article. Well my worries went away in a day. I was pretty sure who I was. But because I was fat and I had social anxiety I was very shy with girls. I was afraid that I will never have a girlfriend. I also have strong OCD..Many types of OCD. Harm OCD, illness OCD (I was afraid of cancer, SARS, and many more) I cant ho to public toilets because of contamination fear. I have pure OCD too. My life was hell. I couldn't even turn the computer on. I had to have "good thoughts" during turning it on. If I hadn't I have to do it again. So sometimes I turned it on 10 times. And it was similar with all things I did. Today its better but still I cant do some things without OCD thoughts. So my another asking myself about beeing gay started four years ago (I was 16). I was watching TV show (in tv show was a gay) when I asked myself "How can I know that I'm straight?..There are several percent of gays..ome people are gay...so why not me?" I was still virgin who never kiss a girl (I loved many girls at primery school, but i was too shy and too fat). I started to compare what I feel when I see a beautiful girl and handsome man. I don't remember what was result, but I remember that I felt gronial response, what I've never felt before. In was in situations like this - I played football with my classmates (PE) and I ask myself "will t be arousing for me when this boy touch me or fall down on me?" and gronial response appeared. I started to watch pictures of man and woman and gays and lesbian...and checking gronial response. It was so strange! I even watched gay porn (I don't like porn so much..it doesn't arouse me, maybe some lesbian) and checked gronial response and I felt something (but i don't have erection) After a few months after this I had fear from diseases (AIDS, cancer, etc.) and I avoided "dangerous" places - trainstations, public WC. When I touched something on WC I had to wash my hands (hot water and long time). I was afraid of bacteries on food packs. When I unpack some food I had to avoid contact between food and pack. Some day I read an article about cancer. I was sure that I had cancer. I went to hospital and when doctors said "you don't have cancer" I was still convinced that I have really bad type of cancer. So I went to a psychiatrist and he said I have anxiety disorder and I was in psychiatric hospital for a month. So I taked pills (some antidepressants) for almost one year. I was fine. After another year I found a girl. I was aroused everytime she touched me and kiss me (I had erection with pre ejaculate). But sex wasn't too good (I had the first sex day after first kiss). I has no experience and I was afraid so I didnt enjoy it so much. I broke up with her because she removed. After a few weeks I found another girl. I loved her, I was aroused everythime she touch me and kiss me. I had erection and I was embarrassed (again pre ejaculate and I had really big pain in my groin from arousal when I came home) . We broke up cause she wanted another boy. And finally I found the girl I really love. Again same situation..erection everywhere (again pre ejaculate, again pain in groin)..I was embarrassed, but I knew she is so hot for me. I SWEAR IT WERE THE BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE!! I WAS SO HAPPY WITH HER. SO AROUSED... When she started with some "sexy moves" on me I keeped on my mind that I must have erection and I was scared when erection disappeared. But still during kissing I have erection..It was same when she touched me..First masturbation from her was disaster because I had no erection.. (does it mean im gay???). I wanted to kill myself. I was so stressed before it because I wanted to be the best... After week ago we try it again and it will good. First sex with her was amazing. But still I have gay thoughts. I started checking gay porn, pictures, thoughts and etc. I have better day, when Im aroused when she kiss me and bad days when I feel nothing (even when she kiss me). This is connected with ROCD...everytime I see her I ask myself if Im not gay. Everytime when I see a guy I ask myself "is he attractive for me??" and I started imagine sex with him and etc (doesnt matter if it's old man or teenager, handsome or ugly). I check gronial response...It's terrible...I don't know who I'm. Sorry for my bad English.. Thanks for your opinions.
