Pretty sure I'm gay

... I'd just like a second opinion.

I've been trying my damndest to live and act straight for better than half my life but the last couple of months seem to have been a perfect storm of personal experiences, social media, and news events that have made me finally be able to admit to myself and accept something I've repressed and denied for a damn long time. Namely, that I'm gay and always have been. I feel like I've almost come all the way toward finally coming out to my closest friends but I still have these little splinters of doubt and am having a hard time taking the plunge and actually telling anybody in real life. There are times, which are getting longer and clearer everyday, that I'm absolutely sure that I'm gay and am actually happy and relieved that I can even say it to myself, and then there are times where I'm terrified that I'm wrong and that everything will be alright if I could just find the 'right' woman.

Anyway, a little background: I grew up in the shiny buckle of the bible belt, rural Georgia, in a very conservative family and community. We didn't really go to church all that often and nobody really talked politics openly, there was and is a definite undercurrent of homophobia, racism, and general bigotry. But as far as my memories go as relates to the topic at hand, a quick summary is as follows: my parents always subscribed to National Geographic and I remember at an early age (maybe 8-10?) looking through each months issue to see if there were any pictures of naked men or boys. At the time, I didn't know anything beyond the fact that I liked looking at those pictures more than any others. The stereotypical bare-breasted native women never did anything for me, by the way. In sixth grade, a classmate told me how he and another boy saw two guys "doing it in the butt" while out playing in the woods. This lead to one of my first sexual fantasies, what it might feel like to have another boy's penis in me. As best as I can recall now, most other early masturbatory fantasies were pretty vague and didn't have much to do with anything beyond the physical sensations of the act. Fast forward to 9th grade lit class: I remember reading the first part of Lord of the Flies and feeling pretty strong arousal with the description of Ralph skinny dipping. At one point in 10th grade I was walking to class and passed a male upperclassmen who was in the marching band with me and had the clear and unbidden thought pop into my head, "I wouldn't mind having sex with him." Which scared me to death since by that point I had resolved to either ignore, repress, or simply lie about who I was really attracted to due to the extreme social stigma associated with being gay. I even went out on a few dates with a couple of girls I thought were attractive and even made-out a few times (once was actually quite passionate and I thought afterward that I could have sex with her if I wanted, which, in retrospect wasn't especially appealing, but more of an observation). Fast forward to college and I befriended a girl in a couple of my classes and we ended up, well, more hanging out than dating. Very cool person, but I had no real interest in a relationship. After college, another female friend (again, had been in some of the same classes I was in and who was, by all accounts, extremely attracted to me) went on a couple of dates including one where we made-out and another where we ended up back in my bedroom where I just froze up and couldn't do anything but make small talk until she decided to leave. A few years later I moved to Alaska and ended up sharing a house with a couple of young women and a good male friend that I knew from Georgia. We hung out as a group often and had nearly always had a great time. After a while of that and of just being housemates and friends, and at the urging of the previously mentioned male friend, I took one of the housemates on a couple of dates and ended up sleeping with her. I might have had a lot to drink that night, but I didn't have any trouble 'rising to the occasion'. I did, however, fail to achieve orgasm. Over the last couple of years since then, I've been single and not at all interested in dating.

Throughout all of this (and for that matter since I've had a computer with an internet connection and any kind of privacy) I've always looked at images of boys or men and (as the internet connections got faster) actual gay porn for visual stimulation. Honestly, I think the female form is beautiful, but its just never done anything for me as far as sexual attraction. For the longest time I thought that I could 'learn' to like women if I fantasized about them enough, but my fantasies always came back to guys in one form or another.

And now to the last couple of months and how I've gotten to the point I am now: Back in January of this year, I started chatting with an old female friend on facebook and found myself thinking about maybe trying to pursue a relationship with her. I couldn't stop thinking, however, that in all my previous attempts at relationships with women and despite my best efforts and desires, I just wasn't able to bring myself to be attracted to them and that I couldn't do that again. Then the 'Dad's note to his gay son' showed up on facebook and I had the distinct feeling that I wish I could've been in a similarly accepting and understanding familial and social situation at that age. Then the Prop 8 and DOMA stuff hit the news and for the first time, a majority of Americans support same-sex marriage and I had hopes that I might not, after all, be lynched if I acted on what I felt.

Though I'd been in denial since 8th grade, in the last two weeks I've gone through anger (over the fact that I didn't grow up where I felt like I had a chance at being accepted; I probably would've been sent to a camp to 'pray away the gay'), grief (loss of my straight identity and having a family with children since I'm an only child and only grandchild), bargaining (for a while I thought I could just be bisexual and still be able to have a relationship with a woman and even get married), to finally acceptance (if, for now, only to myself). I was actually driving about 10 or 12 days ago when the clear and distinct thought formed in my mind and I said to myself for the first time, "I'm gay" and knew in my gut that it was true. Since then, I've allowed myself to feel real attraction to men and not immediately dismiss the feelings as wrong and shameful and, now that I'm open to a relationship with another man, I find the prospect of dating and a relationship almost exciting for the first time in my life.

I'm actually flying down to Georgia in a few weeks to visit with some friends (brothers more like it, we've all known each other since high school) and plan on using the opportunity to come out to them. There's just those nagging little doubts that crop up every time I think about actually going through with it.

I think my issue is that I've been doubting and questioning and repressing and denying this part of me for so long, I'm having a hard time not questioning this new paradigm. I mean, from rereading this, I'm pretty damn sure I'm gay, its just I wish I could be sure of it all the time. It feels like once I 'come out' there'll be no going back. Of course, why would I want to keep up the lies I've been telling myself and everybody else for 17 years?

Input? Feedback? Questions?