mtf struggle

i couldnt get in on friday in time to get my evaluation for hrt. im beyond nervous about it but besides things have been pretty hard. i do actually get sleep but still have trouble eating enough, today i had 2 meals! lol idk when i ate two meals in a day last... im not anorexic or anything im just trying to push every last penny i have, i should probably apply for food stamps.

still living in the middle of nowhere struggling to be myself. i hate going out in my small town to be honest i still catch myself looking guyish during the day to run and grab cigs unless i drive the 7miles extra to a dif town lol which i do quite a lot. dont get out at all idk im just super lonely and being that my attraction to women and other tg i just want someone so bad to be close with i need some serious hide under the blankets and be loved time :tears: and i dont mean that sexually at all..

and my face is beyond razor burnt lol like i can hide it with makeup but idk what to do cuz its like one step at a a time i know theres like lazer removal and stuff but how can i afford it.. :eek:

i just feel like everythings so high up on the shelves i can see but cant reach it, im alone, in the wrong place, and just down still, im not AS depressed as i was but still down. i wish this forum was a room full of people i could walk into for a night. (&&&)

o lastly been working on my fear of public, nope still there lol, first guy to flirt with me tonight tho, drive thru at taco bell he was leaning out the window so much he almost fell out lol

 

the two closest ppl to me really been deep with me lately, my best friend and my ex, my ex was crying seeing what im going through shes like i dont want to lose and im trying to be strong but i still have my home, still have my internet, like when i lose it all idk what im gonna do. its so much at once in a short time i have to stop and breathe and then i dont get anything done cuz my minds cloudy