I'm a 20 year male who's really not sure of his sexuality anymore. From the age of 5 or 6,I remember being attracted to women. I never recall having any attraction to the same sex. Obviously,this was long before I knew about labels and societal stereotypes. I saw pornographic content for the first time when I was 10 or 11 years old.I loved it. I loved the whole concept of the female anatomy.At this point of time,I was in the US.It was a Playboy magazine. Also, at this point of time, I remember falling for a girl.It was my first major crush. And my "infatuation" ( because I'm not so sure anymore,in light of what's been happening for the past year or so) with this girl continued till I turned 17. I returned to my native country that year (after spending nearly 6 years in the US) and enrolled into a school. Had a couple of crushes.But ,remained very introvert towards the opposite sex. All was going ok till I reached the 9th grade. In the 9th grade,I began learning about sex. I reacted warmly towards most of it. But, the part on "periods" really freaked me out. I couldn't get a boner for months,following this. This is when I began to question my sexuality. Also,at this point of time,I began to watch porn,though not on a daily basis. After a couple of months, the doubt went away. For the next 3 years, I had hardly any doubts about my sexuality. I had these occasional phases of same-sex attraction. Phases,that's what I termed them as.I watched quite a bit of heterosexual porn. And , I thought I liked it. However, I found myself more attracted to a woman's breasts than her vagina. I found it vaguely repulsive. I was still introvert in the company of women but enjoyed their company(or atleast I thought so). 2 years ago,I asked a girl out for the first time. She rejected me and it was downright depressing. I recall feeling sad for months on end. But, my sexual attraction towards women didn't stand affected. In the meanwhile,I also read about HOCD. I thought it partially explained my paranoia about my fear of being homosexual. I had these "rituals",for example,playing in my head 24/7.I would threaten myself to do fulfil these rituals or be turned a homosexual. And this was just the tip of the iceberg. A year ago, my panic attacks started again. I couldn't think.My sexuality was all that I could think about. My drive towards women has been progressively decreasing since. My doubts have become all the more profound now. Since,I've masturbated to gay fantasies. And,frankly..I'm not sure of what I am anymore. Am I bisexual,bicurious,straight? Or,am I a woman stuck in a man's body? Growing up,I never thought I was a woman. I always identified myself as a man. In the past few months, I've had serious doubts about it. My sense of direction (spatial awareness) sucks and I have a 1:1 ish finger digit ratio. I'm the older of 2 siblings, ambi-dextrous. Yes,I've been scouring the internet for answers. Am I over-reacting to loose sterotypes or is there some substance to these theories? And,worst part is I can't talk to anyone about this. I can't seek counselling. I live in a conservative society that will disown me if I even have a doubt about my sexuality. A note: please don't go hard on me. I'm no homophobe. I've grown liberal,with age. I'm just trying to figure myself out.I see a major dichotomy and I want to know why. I want to put an end to this once and for all. It's a miracle I've been able to do well in my academics all these years, even with all this trauma playing in my head.
It's possible that you are bi, it's also possible that you are gay. As far as possibly being Trans/MtF, I'll leave that to someone else, I've no knowledge on that. You shouldn't try to hurry to put a label on this, else you might not be content with it. Just take your time to understand and accept yourself. What attracts you to a female body? a male body? Do you find yourself looking at both woman and men or just one of the 2 (and which) when you're in public places? What gets the job done best: straight porn, gay porn or both? If you don't mind me asking, what country do you live in? Normally I'd say it's a good idea to try and experiment, but if the consequences are so dire it would be best to become independent as soon as possible to at least leave those restraints behind. You could also try to contact an LGBT organizations in your country if there's one, perhaps they could provide some information or help (in complete privacy) that may better reflect your country's situation.
To me it sounds like you might be straight possibly bi. You can always try experimenting with a man to see if it feels right. If it doesn't feel right, than I'd say you probably favor women more so. Remember, sexuality can be fluid at times, so you don't need to slap on a label and only go by what that label says. Just be yourself, and if you're attracted to women great, if you like men or even both that's fine too. But like what Hefiel said, don't do it, depending on what your country is. As for being a MtF, I doubt it, just going of off whatever you said above. If you're comfortable with your body and your genitalia than you are most likely not going to be a woman in a man's body. You're probably just paranoid, but don't be. If you're confident that you are a man, and always been a man then you have nothing to worry about.
