Well, maybe in a way I'm not questioning it because to some extent I know that I'm bi, even though I have not been with a woman sexually. This is at least based on my fantasy life and what I know about my personality. This is the only place I've ever talked about all of this. Right now I'm at the beginning stages of my second hetero divorce and I'm in a bit of a depression. I've been through 20 years with sexual withholders after being brought up in a strict religious environment, so I have a lot of sexual scars. I was also sexually abused when very young and have struggled with self-harm issues, mostly when younger, but more recently when pushed to emotional extremes. I'm beyond sad right now in my life, but I don't think anyone has a full comprehension of it except for me and possibly my counselor. My first romantic crush was on a girl. I was only eight and she was reaching puberty in junior high. I had a rather intense girl crush on her, gave her a set of poetry books, thought about her all the time, was mesmerized by her appearance, and wanted to marry her. She was kind of an exhibitionist which would make me feel jealous and more obsessed with her, partly because she liked attention from anyone. She, my sister and I took baths together which were a little bit sexualized. It was at that time in my life that I think my mother told me about how being gay was wrong because I remember telling my best friend in first grade that we couldn't do the "buddy walk" (just having our hands around each others' shoulders) because it was wrong and I'd explain it to her when she was older. I've had two sexual relationships with men, and love sex extremely. I was married in both cases, and it turns out both were sexual withholders for different reasons. I think I would also really enjoy having a sexual relationship with a man, but am also emotionally burnt out and am having increasing trouble thinking of men as sexual creatures (I realize many people will find that incredible), but 20 years of being with withholders can skew a perspective away from reality. Right now I have a crush on one man and two women (all of whom are taken). I realize there is no chance with any of them, but I don't have a problem fantasizing about any of them. My second husband was into various kinks which I was able to go along with even though it was unfamiliar. He ended up feeling guilty about some of the Dom stuff which was one factor in him shutting me out. I am unusually mellow and flexible about sexuality, so I'm pretty sure it would not bother me at all to have sex with a woman if I admired her and felt a meaningful connection. Nothing sexual "grosses" me out like some people talk about. It is bizarre because all my life I have been subjected to some form of sexual oppression or rejection, so I should be really repressed, but instead I'm so mellow and open that my main problem is knowing what I personally desire and enjoy. I've been so beholden to whatever my partner wanted that it is hard for me to form personal preferences. I do have an intense regard for sexuality and right now as I move through my second divorce, I'm longing for intimacy with my entire being. At this point I'm seriously considering looking for a girlfriend, but I don't even know how to go about something like that. Also, I wish there was a way for me to verify that I could be with a woman long-term because the thought of hurting anyone is quite upsetting to me. All I know is that my girl-crushes can be somewhat intense, and I can enjoy having sexual fantasies about women, but I'm not physically turned off by men, I am just a bit emotionally turned off right now.
The girl I have a crush is not attainable, so it is just fantasy for me. The first one is excessively charming and cute and she is a lesbian (I think) and in a relationship, lives on another continent, but is a friend on FB. She has sometimes been really sweet to "like" some of my posts, and she is doing a cute, creative project that I offered to compose a piece for and she responded positively. She wouldn't know I have a crush on her I don't think. The woman I think is her partner is also very beautiful, and they are both musicians. They have a website with beautiful, whimsical pictures together, so it represents a kind of ideal to me. I also have a crush on a friend of mine I almost never see, but she is definitely not gay and just got married. He husband is a neuroscientist, and I've never seen or met him. She has a doctorate in neuroscience and is incredibly beautiful and feminine. It is a new feeling to know that some people would be disturbed by an attraction and so you keep it hidden. I'm glad I've experienced that because it is a different feeling than when a guy finds you unattractive. My third crush is on a guy who just got into a relationship with a girl I find to be rather bratty. He is extremely laid back and nice, so he will probably tolerate it all and never leave her. She is really dumb and conceited. I must sound like a terrible person, but I'm not often that turned off by a person, but she just seems really judgmental and I'm just really repulsed by her. I'm extremely introverted and have virtually no idea how to met people except at work. I met my husband online on a forum, and I visited a couple of times, then moved in with him. I absolutely love him and we are great friends. I might not even be questioning my sexuality if he hadn't hurt me so badly. He knew my first husband withheld sex from me, hurt me, and so I left. Then he goes and does the SAME thing. My husband would rarely have sex with me and then I found out he has been masturbating to porn a few times a week all along. I would have been more than happy to watch the porn with him and help him get off any way, but he shut me out. That's the part that broke my heart completely. I can't have sex with him now without feeling an anxiety attack. I'm a little older now - considered middle aged, but I've always been "pretty". People generally think I look like I'm in my early 30's. I have extremely low self-esteem about my appearance because it has been so difficult for me to seduce my partners. I have a ton of lingerie, and lots of sexy lounging around the house clothes, and I think I have some seductive ability, so I don't understand why I've been so rejected. I just hope the universe will have some compassion on me.
I just found the blog feature, and so will repost this there and continue. I look forward to starting to read everyone else's struggles and journey.
