Hi all, this is my first post here. I will go and introduce myself in the Welcome thread tomorrow, but I just wanted to post something now. [Edit: it's late, I vented, I hope I also made sense.] Basically, I'm a guy, I'm 19 and I feel like I'm stuck between being gay and christianity. Ultimately, I believe in living a life of love, kindness and forgiveness and that's it. No need for church, no need to read the Bible 7 times a year, no need to be straight... But the thing is that I have the most paralyzing fear inside my heart and thoughts like 'Deep down, you know you're wrong' and I have no idea whatsover how to deal with that... Can I really know that I'm gay if I haven't had any experience with either guys or girls so far (think no first kiss yet)? Because ever since... puberty, I guess, I've mostly fantasized about guys (in a sexual way), but I also viewed it as something that would go away, or that would be fixed, so I always fantasized about being with girls in the future... although they were rarely sexual, I mostly fantasized about marrying someone and having a kid and all the lovey-dovey stuff you see PG 13 rated romance movies. I think one of my biggest fears right now is that whenever I'll like a guy who, through some cosmic alignment of the planets, will like me back, I will be too afraid to enjoy it. Also, back to religion for just a bit: I don't really think I need confirmation from the Bible or anything... I think there are more than enough arguments for and against anything (being gay, is there a God, afterlife) and ultimately they all just scare me, because there's no way of knowing for sure. And I don't think we should be that concerned with what the big fat universal TRUTH is, that can be applied to every single individual on the planet... Like I said, I think it's about love, kindness and forgiveness and if applying those values in your life could be realized by being a Christian, an atheist, a Buddhist or whatever - then be that. But then again, whenever you say something like that, people will 'tzz tzz' at you, they'll come with quotes and elaborate, convincing arguments for the truth that works for them, they'll get inside your head, they'll guilt you into believing and doing things, they'll make you feel unworthy and not good enough and perhaps throw in an overdose of the fear of hell. I'm looking at the wall of text I've written so far and figure I could go on for hours, but I'll stop. If anyone has any thoughts, I'd appreciate them, cause I'm not in a good place right now. Thanks!
You will be okay. I'm sure one day you'll come to terms with yourself fully, and you'll learn to accept yourself for who you are, despite what some people may say. Many people are unsure as to whether they're gay if they've never done anything with a guy before. Still, though, I think that lots of people don't need to have done anything (a kiss, or something else) with someone to know whether they're gay or straight or something else. You may just like the idea of being in a relationship with a girl, as it's more familiar and expected and stable, and you wouldn't face discrimination and prejudice widely. All the romantic and loving things you talk about can also be achieved with another guy, but honestly speaking, they may not be achievable wherever you live (I don't know). You sound like you have your own idea of religion (very similar to mine, actually), which is great. You don't have to listen to others who try to implant their views onto you. As long as you know what works for you, and it doesn't harm anyone (including yourself), it's perfectly fine. The fear you have deep down is likely just a manifestation of what you've been raised hearing, perhaps (that being gay is wrong and immoral, etc.). There's no real easy way to get over this fear, but... I'll be another voice for you to listen to: being gay is perfectly fine. It may not be as common as being straight is, but there are things that are rarer than being gay, and there are animals like penguins who can also be gay. I guess I'm trying to say that... being gay is normal and fine. You'll be alright =)
Hi. @Luthan: Thanks! ^_^ I think I agree with you that I may just like the idea of being in a relationship with a girl. The whole being in a relationship thing seems to make more sense if I replace the girl with a guy. The whole 'it takes work' thing makes more sense, the fear of rejection, that you won't be good enough - they all seem much more realistic. I used to think 'how can anyone even have such thoughts about relationships?', but if I think about dating guys... I can understand where they're coming from. Thanks for replying!
I am so sorry to hear how you feel torn. I grew up in a strictly religious environment also. I think you have a beautiful understanding of what real spirituality is all about. Your concern about being too stressed to enjoy sex with a man could happen, but it might be more like how you feel when you fantasize about men. There might also be a way to turn it into making it feel more erotic, since sexuality can be intensified when it feels like you are crossing a boundary. I was taught that so many types of sexuality were bad, that it all seems very erotic and exciting to me, so it is possible to have a variety of reactions. I'll try to post more later.
You shouldn’t let people order you how to think or feel. You have a mind of your own. I’m an atheist so that said I never believed in concepts as afterlife, heaven or hell. I don’t accept a single book as guidance in my life of what’s right or wrong. I disagree with a lot of things written in it. After all it was written by people thousands of years ago and people aren’t perfect. But that aside I understand how peer pressure may have an impact in the way you perceive yourself. Learning to accept yourself as you are is the first step to happiness. You don’t have to be with a guy to know you want it. Otherwise you wouldn’t be thinking about it at all. You would’ve had sexual fantasies about women only and you wouldn’t even be having doubts that need voicing out in here. So from my point of view you’re definitely gay and again from my point of view you don’t need to worry about hell, because you live here and now and not after in something that might not even come to being (afterlife I mean). Learn to handle life without thinking of what will happen after you die, because if there really is a God and he is really good, he wouldn’t mind your sexual orientation or who you fall in love with. I hope I make any sense to you. Cause in my head it sounded much more affirmative and absolute than in writing.
God will not turn his back on you for finding love. He is love... I have been with over 30 men so far and am on my 5th partner in the last 28 years and God always answers my prayers. Being a Christian I went through what you are feeling until I realized God had not turned His back on me. Example; I should have died 4 times since last August and have not got a scratch. One being a tornado 20 feet from my house a couple weeks ago while I was on the portch watching in horror. He answers my prayers and blesses me all the time. Just be a devoted servant, do right, pray, read your Bible, repent, and go to church. Then live the life He provided you and you are in. All sin is equal in his eyes but one and that is not same sex unions. After all He made you what you are and He loves you. I hope you can see that and enjoy your life without guilt for being you. June
Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate them! @quan yin: What do you mean by "but it might be more like how you feel when you fantasize about men"? Also, I look forward to more of your thoughts, if you decide to post them . @2dMnB: Yeah, that makes sense. It seems to me that a lot of religious people try to live their life in preparation for the next one, which doesn't seem right to me at all. We're living THIS life right now, why spend it worrying about the next one? Thanks! ---------- Post added 11th Apr 2013 at 07:32 AM ---------- Thanks for sharing your story, June! I agree with the bulk of what you said, all minus the church and reading the Bible part. I know that brings a lot of comfort for most Christians, but honestly that not where I find God. They just... scare me, they really do and I don't think God is that limited as to not show me the way unless I go to the church or read the Bible... but then again, most people tell me otherwise.
Being brought up Southern Baptist, The Bible and church are all part of it. I was'nt saying that was all mandatory, but was the combo that works for me. June
