Greetings, This is a little differen't from other posts I do but if you have time please read and voice your opinions. I don't really care what I am but my mind won't settle on that because for some reason it has to know. I'm currently labeling myself as bi asexual dimisexual (I think that is the term for needing to have a connection with someone before sex) and I have felt more at peace with this then in the last 4 months when this all started. I'm male in my early 20s and have always considered myself straight. I could ramble on the reasons why I think I am or should be straight but short version: Have only liked women and felt it natural and never had a crush on a man. Sounds simple right? However due to an unforseen evil voice (the voice evil not the sexuality) in my head that said I was gay I have been unable to focus and pretty much have had a 24/7 debate in my head. So why am I going over this when I'll probably get the same answers like self discovery? Well I seem differen't even from people on these forms and makes me think about the whole sexuality situation I'm in and others. If you would like to continue reading I ask that in the end of this you tell me your opinions of what I am and my ideas about anxiety in relation to ocd and I will love to hear if some of you think I'm in the closet. First off, who am I? Well for all my years of life I have liked women (to my knowledge) and can remember all the way back to kindergarten to my 1st crush. From there I have had dozens of crushes on other girls (some even spanning into years). However I have low self esteem and lack of push to get a girlfriend. I can't talk to ones I think are pretty or ask them to dance and I always feel like an idiot around them. I have always loved the female body especially boobs but vaginas have never really done it for me sometimes even being a turn off. I get aroused fooling around with girls and have gone off before anything major happend if ya know what I mean. There was once when I didn't really enjoy it but I was smashed when it happened. I have friends that are girls (yes friends) who I find annoy me more then douchey guys so Id have to say I prefer hanging with dudes over girls. When it comes to current masturbation I always found girl on guy porn boring so I enjoyed group, gang bang, lesbian, lesbian strap on, and i have a bj fetish (idk if this is relavent but I seem to read people surpressing it look at the guy I don't find myself doing that as alot of times guys have ruined scenes for me) Now the questioning began about 4 months ago and it didn't happen because I was finding myself attracted to guys (or at least I didn't realize it at the time). It started when I began questioning my viriginity and why I had a lack of sex drive and my head just kept saying I was gay. Long story short fear>anxiety>paranoia>depression. I had symptoms ranging from getting paranoia of arousal by close male friends I have know for years to the loss of virtually all interest in women :eek: . Slowly I looked at my past and there were definite signs that I'm not completely straight but not enough to convince me I was gay. The examples being first wet dream was a gay one and wanted to jack it to gay porn at least twice but stopped myself because it didn't seem right. There were even times when I said I was straight and it didn't feel right. They say also when your yonger you confuse admiration with affection, well I don't believe this but I guess there may have been 1 or 2 guys I wanted to be friends with in the past that I admired you know popular cool kids (I'm friends with 1 of them but have no attraction to him.) Also I don't know if this can be considered gay but a prime male body is hot yet still never felt any real sexual attraction to it but desired one for myself because I'm kind of out of shape... Where I am now. After awhile I just broke down and was getting ready to come out that I was gay to everyone because I had lost virtually all attraction/interest in girls and that guys were now somehow able to turn me on (or at least I thought this). However I found my arousal in women returned about a few weeks ago but the attraction to guys was still there. I decided to watch lesbian and gay porn. Both turned me on with the lesbian porn not as exciting as it use to be but the gay porn (my 1st time) was arousing but I didn't enjoy watching it and regreted doing (1st time ever regretting masturbating). Since then I have completely given up internet porn but will look at nude photos of each sex. I have gay thoughts constatnly and I find them more annoying then pleasurable and can get gay thoughts around guys I have no desire to be with. Thoughts about women are much more rare but far more arousing and can even get me fully erected where thoughts of men never get me fully erected. I find that certain guy friends trigger some form of arousal and I constantly think that I'm in love or want to have sex with them. This especially happens around my best friend (male) even though I find his body rather repulsive and the idea of dating him just flat out wrong but my head still fights me. So I guess I still have never had a crush on a guy. What I have learned. I know I'm not 100% straight but I know I sure as heck don't want to be with a guy. I really don't care what people think of me and I'm sure most of my friends and parents would accept me but I can't accept myself. I have no desire to explore this other half of me. The only reason I look at photos of nude men is to test if I can still get aroused to them, same for women but am depressed if I can't get it up. I also seem to be completely out of wack when it comes to what it attracts me now. I use to not be big into vaginas but this last week they were all I could think of and was easy to get aroused by but days like today nothing. The 'hot' male body thing is also running its course and I'm finding that its not so arousing anymore. I have developed a fear that Ill never get it up or that it won't work sexually with a women when all the signs from the past and current few weeks have proven that false but I can't shake it. I also feel I could go my whole life w/o having sexual intercourse with a man. I also find I look at women more in public and that I desire brotherhood with men not love or intimacy. Now there is a little something else I should add. Obviously there is a little denial there. I could have sex with a man I'm sure I could, just as I'm sure I could run over a raccoon with my car but wouldn't if I didn't have to. I'm almost entirely sure I have ocd as I have multiple fears, such as this, so I have questioned myself questioning if the attraction to men is real or not. I find that the so called 'arousals' around men that I have seems to be triggered because of anxiety (I feel). Example: The tv show Louie has the main title character I have no sexual attraction and find him rather repulsive (search him up) but in episode 3 he gets ready to take his shirt off and i remember before it happend that I was getting nervous that I was going to get aroused by it and slowly I thought I felt the arousal coming before it happend. Sure enough when it did I had a partial erection. Yet I still felt no sexual attraction nor now when I think of when that scene happened as anything attractive at all about it. This has happened alot, in fact I think this has happened everytime when I see random guys who arouse me that before I see them I worry that I will become aroused and I do (this does not count gay porn). Another example Vegeta from dragon ball z, I loved this show as a kid but now when I watch it I fear everytime I see vegeta, even before I see him, that I'm going to get aroused by him for no real reason and I do. Its like I can trigger it before it happens and after its over I have no idea why I got aroused to them. In the end I'm still lost. Somedays guys turn me on more, somedays girls. Sometimes all I can think about is vaginas, sometimes they repulse me. Sometimes I can't get turned on by either sex. I know what I want but that doesn't nescessarily mean what is right. I truly doubt I will ever have sex with a man but am so scared that I won't like it with a women (even though I have envisioned it 1000s of times) that I can't bring myself to get out there anymore. I wanted to go back to college this fall but am to nervous to even leave my own house anymore. I use to have dreams of traveling the world but for some reason I can't find joy in that anymore. I also find it ironic as I always thought one of my best friends was in the closet and yet here I am questioning myself... Anyways thank you everyone who read through all this and somehow had the patience. Please post comments!
What is your porn viewing history like? When did you start, how much of it did you watch, did the genres you watched change over time, etc.
Lol now there is a challenge...lets see...started off at around 14 but i remember looking/getting excited for boobs long before that. 1st time i saw porn was an accidental pop up that started with just plain nude women and from there i had alot of genres basically in this order guy/girl>bj scenes>lesbian>group>gangbang>lesbian strap on. Then id say for the last year or so its been pretty much les or les strap on (also anime les). I did it when ever I had the chance and last year im sure it was like every day. Also didnt really use porn from 16-18 because of hbo and access to the computer was difficult. Definently an addict if thats what your asking. People I know ask "what did you fantasise more about?" And I gotta say never realy fantasised doing it to porn just the stimulation of what i was watched. When fantasising w/o porn it was definently about women although there were times when i had to focus on them doing stuff to my junk if thats gay idk. Guys have honestly ruined more times for me then i care to count and alot of times would wait til a les scene would come on but the bj scenes were enjoyable. So prob more info then you need to know but i have a nac for remembering completely useless stuff. Thanks for taking the time to read!
Very important question, do if you could have sex right now with a hot chick/dude, would you do it? (i know the guy answer, but still checking). The same question goes for relationships (maybe relationships without sex if you prefer so).
Relationships with girls hands down. Never even considered a relationship with a guy before and gotta say the idea doesnt appeal to me. When I hang with guys I want brotherhood not love. Even right now there is 1 girl i know i could date and id do anything for her. I would love to have sex with a hot girl right now but my head keeps saying aint gona happen and tht leads to the fear that ill never get it up for a woman even though literally can get erected thinking about girls at times still. Then there is also the fear that i wont enjoy it... Sex with a man? yea no..idc how hot he is i have never desired sexual intercourse with a man and i certaintly dont now... Ugh this is crap none of these fears or anxieties even existed 4 months ago.
I truly thank you for those questions martjan (kinda nice having someone else ask me instead of me asking myself) Haha thanks veganarchism but its not that simple, my brain just wont shut off the questioning. I Know i dont want to have sex with men but the fear/anxiety with women is so strong that im constantly doubting myself. Again thanks for taking the time to read
Look, if you want an answer right now (in which case i totally get you) i would say that you are definitely hetero romantic, on the sex part i would say that it is not clear yet. I believe you are going through a transition phase, and all your sexual behavior is fucked up (meaning messy, you are not fucked up (*hug*)) so you just gotta give yourself some time, maybe even experiment if you have the chance, even if it's just a kiss or hanging out with either sex, i think it will help you get things straight (no pun intended).
Shit man, all of these negative thought patterns and depression/aniexity i have it all too. you find yourself just playing scenarios in your head for hours on end and it just fucks with you so hard. but coming from what iv'e read i think your straight you just have to get into the mindset. Once you feel confident with yourself everything will come together.
