Hi, I'm writing for 2 primary purposes. (1)To put some of what I've been feeling into words, seeing how it feels and how I respond to them. (2) To get any advice or thoughts/opinions on my sexual orientation. First of all, I know there is no black/white gay or straight, but rather a continuum. I feel conflicted, because on one hand, I've only ever had crushes on girls, and am dating a girl now. On the other hand, here's the really strange (to me) part: The idea of being gay turns me on incredibly. This has been building for 3-4 years now. Yet, I've never met a real live man that has made me fall in love or lust with him. I tend to think this is just an obscure fetish (I also have the submissive fetish, and others), but my arousal when thinking of actual sexual acts with men can be MUCH higher than when I think about having sex with a woman. In fact, sometimes I'll go into public aways from home and act very gay. (yes, I know-it's possible I'm not pretending!! lol). Cross-dressing turns me on as well, but I've never done this in public. I honestly believe that I'm bisexual AT LEAST, trending gay naturally, as I think the male genitals turn me on more than female ones. Maybe society has conditioned me to only get crushes on girls? Where would you guess I belong on the continuum, if 0 is straight and 10 is gay?
I'm new to this so take my advice in stride. On the scale of 0-10 i say 6. My friend, who helped me solve some of the problems with my sexuality and I'm still questioning, but this helped answer some of my questions. Would you have sex with a girl? Would you have sex with a guy? Would you have a romantic relationship with a girl? Would you have a romantic relationship with a guy? With what gender do you see yourself having a relationship with for the long term (like getting married)? When you say "I've never met a real live man that has made me fall in love or lust with him." if you had the chance to, would you be looking into a long term relationship like you are having one with your girlfriend? Like you, I could see myself having a relationship with a girl, but having sexual urges for men. My friend asked me if i could love a guy. I said yes. He asked if i would have sex with a girl, and I said probably not. That pretty much well gave me a general answer.
The line between fetishism and orientation is a very blurry one. At the end of the day aren't our orientations really just a composite of hundreds of smaller turnons working together? I ran into a similar problem a few years ago when I started thinking of myself as bisexual rather than a "really open minded straight guy who was totally fine with getting fucked". The attraction to men isn't quite the same as it is for women. To use a food analogy, it has a different taste to it. Women strike me as sweet, while men strike me as savory, sort of. Not sure if that helps.
