I don't think I've ever felt like this before in my life

I've always thought I liked guys, but that I didn't feel comfortable around them because it's highschool, and most of them are in the "all I want is to have sex and be an idiot" phase.

There was this one guy, the only guy I might have ever had something with. A part of me thought he was a nice boy, but I know another part just wanted a boyfriend because I was afraid there was something wrong with me, and I would be alone forever.

That didn't last long. I didn't even go on a date when he asked. We went out as a group once, and he was trying to touch my arm and sort of hold my hand, and I couldn't deal. It was the most uncomfortable time of my life. I felt like it was wrong, and I shouldn't be doing that.

I sort of just forgot about boys. I know it's common for a girl to not have a boyfriend. Here is where I get confused.

A while ago, I went to take a visit to Boston. I laid eyes on the most perfect person I had ever seen. She was an androgynous girl. For like a week straight, I had butterflies around her. Up to this day, I am still questioning 'I couldn't have had a crush on her, right? I'm straight!" (She actually attend the school I'm going too, so I'm kind of excited about that)

I've seen some other 'androgynous/butch' girls, and I've found some of the quite attractive. When I think about it, I've always thought that having a relationship with a guy would be uncomfortable, like they wouldn't understand me. I don't get that feeling about girls. I actually feel like relationships with girls would be the best!

Now, I feel like crap about this. I want to shut these feelings down! I come from a christian background, and I am christian myself (I won't say what denomination, but it's a pretty conservative one, where everything goes by the rules) I'm scared that God is going to shun me away if I do anything. I've been reading a lot of what my religion says about these things. Basically, according to them, it is probably a phase. If it doesn't go away, ignore it. It's better to be alone, than to act on these feelings, and basically throw away everything God and Jesus did for us.

So I'm supposed to be alone for the rest of my life? I don't know what to do. I'm actually moving to Boston in August sort of permanently for college. I don't really have anyone to talk to. I can't talk to my family, because that would crush everyone's heart, even though my mom has asked me several times if I was a lesbian, and she would be okay with it, regardless of religion. All of my friends are very narrow minded, always making jokes and criticizing homosexuals, saying it's "disgusting" and "how could anyone ever want someone of their own sex?"

I have a one friend who is bisexual, who I've known for nearly 7 years. I don't feel comfortable talking to her though. I feel like she would end up telling her girlfriend, and a teacher we are sort of friends with at school.

I'm sorry that I'm rambling and I've actually just written a book. I've been stressing about this for such a long time. I am lost, I don't know what to do, or who I am. As I look back, I sort of realise 'Well wait, I've kind of always enjoyed girls..." I know I have time to "figure it out" but everywhere you look, people say "explore your feelings"

Well how the hell am I supposed to do that?! I'm not having premarital sex with a girl (or with anyone), so what in the world do I do?