Confused about sexuality and inability to form emotional bonds (big wall of text)

I'm a 19 year old young woman who's very very confused about all of this....stuff.

I've known I'm attracted to females from a fairly young age, 10 or 11. Some of it was probably caused by an early accidental exposure to pornography and realizing that the female physique is FAR more attractive than the opposite sex's, and some of it just...came out of the blue, I guess, but there was also a certain attraction to males. When I stumbled upon the terms bisexuality, homosexuality and heterosexuality, I identified myself as bisexual and felt perfectly comfortable with it.

Anyway, I've had 5 boyfriends and some casual relationships that weren't meaningful with men. I fell deeply in love with my first boyfriend, but he was abusive and coerced naïve, 12-year-old me into sex, when I was NOT ready for it. Things went south after that, but I gradually managed to get over it (somewhat).

This being said, I started seriously questioning my sexuality when I started attending my current University, about three and a half years ago.

I started a relationship with guy in my freshman year and broke up with him because....there was nothing between us. He might have felt something for me but I didn't feel anything for him. There was some sort of sexual attraction, but it was barely there; and the emotional bond was inexistent. Then, I started a casual relationship with another guy. We fooled around but didn't have sex. There was plenty of sexual attraction and chemistry, but 0 emotional attachment. We "broke up" because he was going back to his ex girlfriend. I sort of cared for him, but there wasn't any serious bond there and, akin to other guys, my feelings weren't hurt when it ended. In fact, I was glad it was over. I'd go on about my past relationships, but they've all ended up the same. I get sick of the emptiness in the relationship, grow annoyed, and end it.

This year, I started a relationship with a new guy. At first, there was a lot of attraction (although I'm not sure if it was attraction or admiration of his intellect) and I cared for him, but then things just went downhill and I grew sick of being called his girlfriend and I broke up with him. He's also the first person I came out to. I live in a very homophobic country and, although my mother is extremely open minded, my family is as closed as a nut. My dad is racist (please, no one take this personally, these are NOT my views), and he said he'd rather see me with a black guy than with a woman.

Now, this is the thing: all of these guys have been amazing to me, all of them have been very sweet, caring, and loving, but I can't love them back. I don't know if people exaggerate about feeling butterflies in their stomach when they kiss someone they really like, but I've never felt it with anyone, not even my first boyfriend. When I kiss, there's only physical contact. Nothing more.

Even though I've never been with a woman or kissed one, I think that things would be better with a woman. I constantly fantasize about having a girlfriend to be with (both sexually and emotionally), cuddle with, do things with, and generally enjoy. Women are also very present in my sexual fantasies and, although men are still there, it's not half as much as women are. I feel like things would be different with a woman, like I'd actually make an effort to keep a relationship alive and healthy if I had a girlfriend. But then, I just feel scared and dubious and find myself wondering if I'm just heavily influenced by the social media and people's constant emphasis on homosexuality or if my lack of attraction to men is an actual part of me.

I guess that it all comes down to the fact that I can't form emotional bonds with men but I feel that I could with women. I have felt very very little sexual attraction to men in these past three years, let alone emotional bond. I'm a very expressive woman, whatever I feel is clearly plastered all over my face; I mistreat men terribly, to the point where I have absolutely no patience, no tolerance, no respect, and I will talk down to them and make all sorts of facial and bodily expressions that denote my lack of care.

I don't know what to do.

P.D.: I'm really sorry about the long wall of text. I just felt like I needed to write all of that in order for people to understand where I'm coming from. Here's a funny banana to make up for it. (!)

 

I actually have considered the possibility of being homosexual, but I'm not very sure about it. I guess there's a lot of fear involved, but the more I think about it the more it suits me and my situation more.

I don't know, I guess I'm more scared than anything else, and I have to actually try being with someone my same sex before I even come to terms with whatever my sexual preference is. Maybe I just like the idea of being with a woman and couldn't put up with actually being with one. This might sound silly, but what would that make me? Unable to be in a relationship? Lol, does that even have a name?

 

I don't know if I can be in a romantic relationship with someone, but what you said right now makes lots of sense as far as how I feel for men. I think I've had one of those before, but I forced things into a "relationship" that ended terribly.

Thank you so much.