For years I've been in the whole cycle of ignorance and denial. Dating women and holding onto relationships with no hope of a future that in the end just made me miserable. I think even my girlfriends realised my sexuality where I didn't, the breakup was always the same "I don't think this is really a relationship", "it's like you don't really wanna be with me and you're just hiding something and my favourite "It's like we are just friends that fuck and you're not into that anyway". I guess I have just always been in this cycle. There has been times obviously where I realised it but always discounted it as "just a phase", even the lack of interest in sex, lack of enjoyment and other sexual problems I put down to something medical but never went to see what it was. It was like I knew it was an excuse and I didn't wanna find myself out... It's finally gotten to the point where I know it, I can say it. I'm gay, I'm attracted to men. I can finally see the difference between attraction and a recognition of beauty. My biggest problem is accepting this, I know it. But I don't really accept who I am, fear of how some members of my family will react is probably a big part. I know I need to do it to be happy, I don't wanna hide anymore. I'm feeling guilty, like I've been wasting the time of my girlfriends in the past. I know I shouldn't but I just can't escape it. I guess in the end this is just a long winded way of asking a simple question, how can I accept who I am?
Self-acceptance is an on-going process. The more you get used to your homosexuality without feeling guilt or shame, the more confidant you'll become and the more you'll come to accept yourself. As far as wanting to tell your family, test the water first to see what they think of homosexuality. Should tell you who you can trust to tell and who you should probably wait before telling.
I guess acceptance comes from just that, accepting that living a lie is an untenable situation, the guilt of past failed (and failing) relationships haunts me, the regret and puzzlement over the advances from beautiful women that I've turned down, it's too much of a burden to bear. Acceptance is first and foremost the shedding of illusion, and that is something to grieve, but then something strange happens, the future beckons, suddenly what seemed unthinkable is finally possible...it's a dawning ray of hope and happiness that, like happiness itself, is quite unexpected!
Well I think I tried pushing things a bit, sort of disappeared back into trying to be straight. Now back at the point where I don't know what I want or more importantly who I am. I feel attracted to women and find myself pursuing them but only halfheartedly. Not sure whether it is attraction or just trying to act 'normal'. I live in a town that is known to be homophobic and there are some people in my family who are, just unsure whether fear of being judged is effecting how I feel or how I let myself feel. I wish there was an easy way of finding out and coming to grips with it but there isn't. I guess what I am asking is does anyone have any advice on how to 'find out'.
Well I have no prob with self-acceptance so I'm not sure if I can relate to you in this case . I have to say that you're the only one who can help yourself out . You can't live your life trying to please everyone out there . As long as it affects nobody in bad way and it makes you feel happy . Go with it ! If you can't accept yourself , how others can accept you ? Love yourself , dude . Don't waste your life doing the sh!t people want you to do .
Thanks, it's not so much that I really care what other people think. I know the ones that matter will be there regardless. Did anyone else going through phases of almost reaching full acceptance then dropping back into complete denial?
I dont think i went back and forth, but i do feel that learning who we are is an ongoing process and that you shouldn't pressure yourself into any orientation or out status. If you are in a grey area thats okay - rather take your time to figure out what works for you as thats more important than doing what works for others (like family, girlfriends you are trying with etc). We all have some good qualities. Figure out what yours are and let the acceptance start there with the core of whats good in you and it can then move outwards as you learn more about yourself
yea, I have never felt assured in my self-acceptance. I did the same you did many times with breakups not really being breakups because the relationship was never really a relationship. I guess my problem was the idea of having a family and wife. That always controlled my identity because I wanted a family, but I know I don't want a wife. The other thing is recognizing love vs. care. I always told myself that I was sexually attracted to men but that I cared about women. This was not doing justice to the girls I pursued or who pursued me. I cared about them, but I knew I could never love them the way they wanted to be loved. And I guess now I just sit in the middle somewhere. I'm not looking for a relationship, but I am looking for peace to come to terms with who I am. I hope some of this helps...It's like floodgates open in my mind and words just come rambling out!
Thanks yeah that sort of hit the nail on the head, I did really care for them all but was still missing something. I guess it's just a matter of being who you are not who people think you should be, trying to label something as complex as sex and sexuality is damn near impossible.
I have come to find that the second guessing never ends. It's all a choice to act. The ball is in your court, but the game is never over (sorry for the sports metaphor!). And I guess I needed to hear what I am saying to: wake up every day knowing it is a new day and that anything can happen. You are who you make your self to be. If that changes everyday then so be it, but only if it is what you want.
My advice is to look within. I can identify with the merry go round of trying to relate with women. Ask yourself if this is the life you choose for yourself. While the haunting feeling is that the turmoil will last forever. Actually in my experience gay men were able to reach out to me when I showed an appreciative identification with them. If you are having sex without compassion that may feel like mutual masturbation. Some people are into that, but it has always left me empty like I am avoiding an issue. Finding the right partnerships isn't easy, but soon you will discover that there is even a type of gay man who you choose to be with. When you do you can come out to him until your sex life is steaming. I think gay men have a lot of feelings that they just can't share with women, since they need to do so in an intimate setting that is gay.
I like the idea of waking up knowing it's a new day and anything can happen, today was the first day I really woke up happy in a while. After living for a while in denial I had almost forgotten what happiness was in a way. I was happy but compared to that I feel damn near euphoric today just for waking up... I've actually been shying away from sexual relations for a while because of that. I was taking no satisfaction away. Just frustration and anger. I guess in the end it's a lot easier to find someone when I can leave the closet.
Well I guess this is the best place to post a bit of an update. Been a few months of pointedly being single, had a lot to deal with in my family. Lately been yearning for companionship. Although I used to have inklings towards my own homosexuality I used to be a bit put off by the thoughts of intimacy(not sexual but more emotional) the idea of kissing or cuddling did make me a little uncomfortable. Over the last few weeks I find myself wanting to wake up next to another male, just wanting to cuddle which is a feeling I hadn't had in a while. I guess I have one question I could use a little bit of help with (mainly for the people that realised later), how did you first start to integrate, I don't want to jump straight into a dating situation but where I am there isn't much of a chance to meet guys.
