I know I am gay, but I am not okay with it! Okay, here it goes.. i guess... I only recently realized that I was a lesbian, and there is no question about that anymore, but I am not okay with it. I feel like every aspect of my being has changed - even though the rational side of me knows that is not true - and that the life I have pictured in my mind for the last 20 years is completely shattered and I feel so abnormal. I don´t really know what to write to express exactly what I feel, because I don´t know what it is that I am feeling. I feel physically ill whenever I think about it, and the idea of coming out scares me, NOT because I think my family and friends won´t be okay with it, it´s just the idea of admitting to everyone, and to myself, that the A4-picket fence life idea is gone! I know that non of my feelings come from a homophobic place, I have always been fine with having gay friends, and it has never been an issue and I have never thought of them as my "gay" friends - they´ve just been my friends, plain and simple, and I have NEVER thought of them as being abnormal - but upon realizing that I AM GAY I feel abnormal and scared, mostly scared I guess... also it has nothing to do with religion or faith I am an atheist through and through. The worst part is that I can´t even say it out-loud to myself, i think that would make it all real. And to be completely honest I don´t even know why I am writing this, I guess I just need to air my feelings and I would love to know that I´ll eventually become okay with it, I just can´t picture that happening.... Looking back I realize how much of a choice being straight was for me, the idea of being a lesbian has very much always been consciously out of my mind, and the way I looked at homosexuality was completely incorrect: every one I met who was out in high school were this privileged, annoying, loud kids who just was so okay with who they where and NOW I feel weird for not being one of them, for not realizing who I was at the age of sixteen - I have never felt right being with guys, but I just figured I wasn´t one of those butterflies and jitters girls. This post is a complete mess, but so am I, and I don´t really know what to write. I just need advice and confirmation that everything will be okay! Because I don´t know where to go from here, and I don´t know what to do, other than cry and try to rationalize it. Anything that anyone can say to help would be awesome! thanks in advance.
Re: I know I am gay, but I am not okay with it! It's ok to cry. Seriously, let it out. When you've been holding something in, for so hard, for so long, it hurts like hell when it finally busts out. I cried everyday for at least a week. Like you I don't have a single homophobic bone in my body. It hurts, it hurts and it's scary. But I'm starting to think that's just birthing pains. Because when we come out to ourselves it's like being reborn. We get through this hard adjustment, but then we get to live and feel and experience that we never even imagine before. We may be losing that image we had of what our lives would be like, but in it's place we get the chance to actually live and feel and love. Go google "internalized homophobia." That's what you're feeling. It's something that can be dealt with and healed. Look for a LGBT friendly therapist, they can help you work through this. And keep posting here. There are people here who understand and going through the same things you are. (*hug*)
I understand exactly what you're saying because it's what I'm going through right now. It's like the one thing that has been certain my whole life (my sexuality) is now changing. My sexuality has been the one thing that has been consistent in my life since as long as I can remember. And now realizing that I will never marry a man, have kids with that man is c a shock to my system. My whole life I had an idea of what my life was supposed to end up like. marriage, kids, picket fence etc. and now that it's changed I'm kind of scared. I feel like if I were to be with a man I would just be going through the motions. We will get through it. I think the important thing to remember is that at the end of the day it's your life and you have to do what makes you happy. You have to accept and love yourself and that includes accepting your sexuality. Take your time coming out with other people. Get comfortable with yourself first. Stay strong and proudl
Re: I know I am gay, but I am not okay with it! Hey! well, I would say that what you'r feeling is not lets say "crazy" or bad...I think that a lot of gay/bi people including me is afraid at the beginning about the future...It can be hard to imagine being with a women in our case, form a family...Before I couldn't even imagine being with a girl in a relationship but now, I feel that I would even be happier with one It's hard to accept it, to say it out loud like you say...but you don't have to push yourself, it can take some time..but you'll be ok (*hug*) That's what I can say to you (sorry for my enlish by the way...it's not my mother language :lol. I guess others will give you some advices and support too :icon_wink
YES! that´s exactly it that one constant is just GONE. thank you! (even though I am no where near proud!)
You will be okay, just relax and breath. I know it's hard at the moment, but things will get better. I truly never thought that they would, but life for me has never been better. I'm surprised of the progress that I have made and it's only been about a year. So, stick around EC, it's an amazing site to receive support and it's nice knowing you're not the only one going through these emotions. So, please breath and whatever you do, embrace your feelings. Denying them will only make them stronger (*hug*)
I think you're feeling the way you are because we're all raised in a heteronormative society. So even if you've never had a homophobic thought or feeling in your life, you internalize (we all do) that ending up with a person of the opposite sex is the only thing that's really "normal." It's a huge shift in your life, as you've described in your post, to admit to yourself that you're anything other than straight. I realized I was bisexual 3 years ago, but there are still days where I don't feel 100% comfortable with the fact that I am attracted to women as well as men. I think it's particularly difficult for those of us who come out in adulthood to fully make that mind shift from considering ourselves straight to considering ourselves something else. Believe me, there are days when I wish I had never realized my attraction to women. It would make life so much easier, and I'm sure you can probably relate to that on some level. But now that I've discovered that part of myself and am with a woman, I could never go back to just liking men. It's one of those "once you go black, you never go back" type things LOL.
Re: I know I am gay, but I am not okay with it! Hey there. I kinda understand where you're coming from; I've been raised Catholic the majority of my life(I'm not anymore, the magick ways for me!) and I didn't even really know about homosexuality until about two years ago. I always thought that I was just looking at the ladies cuz they were pretty and whatnot, but once I had some lesbian(and straight...>.>) experiences, I too felt that I was abnormal. But then I realized that hey, I accept my gay friends, so why do I have to worry? The world can't tell me what I can and cannot do, that isn't in their power to do so. So I stopped worrying, kinda. It took these past....weeks(?) to truly come out to myself. In fact.... Whoot! Nearly a month of accepting myself as gay! ^^ You can do it! We all haz faith in you~! *hugs for all*
