So tonight I had sex with a guy. Nothing special maybe, I mean it isn't a first. It was okay really, he was a nice lad, okay looking, and he tried his best. He did it exactly how I liked it. Still I thought it was kind of boring, it was kind of awkward at times. I had the hardest time getting to finish. He even said things like 'This is taking forever' and 'Not gonna happen is it?' it did eventually but still. Afterwards I felt gross, regretted it, started asking myself whether I really enjoyed it and whether I really am as gay I thought. I've felt like it was boring the last few times I had sex and meh. I know it feels better when you do it with someone you like/love, I mean I've experienced that... but even then it started to bore me after a while. Funny coincidence is that, today, I got into contact with a girl I liked for a long time a few years ago, we were both in love, but we never really dated. I never made a move on her in fear I wouldn't be able to perform or hurt her more than I already did. So back to today, we decided that we should see each other soon. Immediately I thought of kissing her again, and of the feelings I once had for her. Her lips are just so attracting. I wondered why I never kissed her and thought, right, I was confused about my sexuality. I only ever kissed one girl and I liked that, it turned me on a bit. She was special though, she actually turned me on, and not many girls can do that. I talked to a (gay) friend about this and he said well I'm sure you're gay. Sex can be boring sometimes. Then later, after some discussion, he said well maybe you're bi after all. It's just so frustrating because I really thought I had it figured out this time. Heck, I wrote an autobiography as a college assignment and in it, I wrote I was totally convinced I was gay now. WHY am I confused again. Ugh. My friend asked me whether the thought of having sex with girls turned me on. I answered not really, although it has happened before. The crushes I've had on girls are the same I have on guys. There's this guy I've had a crush on for a while, he's great and good looking, still the thought of having sex with him doesn't excite me. My feelings for him have been fading lately... But then there's my ex who I truly loved, and the thought of having sex with him did turn me on. Emotionally it kind of felt like something was missing though, like, something was off. He turned out to be "straight" so maybe that was it. Still I feel like emotionally, I like girls better. Ever since I started identifying as gay, which is several months now, I still noticed girls, but thought 'Lol I would so do that if I were straight' but what if it's like, just a mask I wear? What if I should think outside of the box? I just feel like there should be more to it. I should be more into the sex I have, it should feel better when I am in a relationship. What if it feels better with girls? Well I think you get my point. I'm just rambling now. Should I just like drop the whole label stuff for a while and see where it leads me? I've tried that before but deep down I knew I wasn't straight. Nor bi. But if I'm 100% gay, and have accepted that, I shouldn't feel confused anymore right? It's like, something has lead me to follow the road towards being/identifying as gay, the way just felt right, I'd be sure to love it once I had reached my destination. But it's like: after having been here for a while, it doesn't seem to pay off as much. I want to go back. I think I could compare it to trying a milkshake in a different flavour than you normally have, it tasted good and all, but really you wish you had ordered your regular flavour. Maybe this is a weird comparison but it makes sense in my head. Maybe my sexuality is fluid? I've been going through this questioning phase multiple times. It's driving me nuts. Thoughts?
Of course! Girls have often a well-rounded personality, something that most men lack. Men are too often emotional cripples. When I am in a gay bar I often regret that I am in a gay bar because the most interesting persons in the room are women - who want to meet women. In the gay world you become sooner or later an expert in frustration tolerance. Men and women are so similar and so different! You can't simply choose a man as lover and expect that you are still in the female world. Being together with men is like traveling in your home country, being together with a women is like traveling abroad. Both sexes have their USPs, unfortunately you can't have them in one person. I like boyish girls, by the way. And warm-hearted men who are not hardened egoists. You made the discovery that the contemporary popular dichotomy 'gay/straight' is an oversimplification. Congratulations! Please update your autobiography. And read a few books about the history of sexuality. Like George Chauncey's 'Gay New York: Gender, Urban Culture, and the Making of the Gay Male World, 1890-1940'.
