Sorry for this. Very confused. I would also like to say I am not proud of my actions and don't condone the way I acted. So all my life I've thought I was straight. When I was 14 I 'pretended' to be bisexual, because thats what everyone else was doing, but knew I didn't like women and when I talked about hot girls it felt forced. I've always had insanely low self-esteem and thought I was ugly and constantly compared myself to other women. When I was 13/14 I discovered online fanfics and erotica. I devoured all my mom's chicklit books and got turned on by the graphic m/f sex scenes. I read both f/f and m/m erotica and got turned on by both. I didn't really care about what turned me on - I felt very comfortable and secure. Sex was sex as far as I was concerned. My first kiss was with a girl at a party. Everyone was very drunk, and I was mortified I'd never kissed anyone before (even lied and said I had!) but I remember kissing her and feeling absolutely nothing. I remember thinking how weird it was feeling her boobs pressed up against me. I then got with my first boyfriend who I was head over heels for. Kissing him also felt mechanical - but we did other stuff and I was very turned on and active in our sex life. I loved giving oral sex. We then broke up and I was devasted. My low self-esteem meant I sought validation from every man I was romantically involved with. After that I was quite shy and didn't want to let myself get hurt again. I eventually met someone else who I fell irrevocably in love with and lost my virginity to. I had a very high libido, and really loved sex. I could only really get off on penetrative sex and loved looking at his body. I always thought it was weird when my straight female friends would say they hated the sight of a penis - i always felt super turned on when I saw my boyfriend hard. He dumped me and broke my heart. That was over 4 years ago and I havent been in a serious relationship since. I had one night stands with other men but it didn't do anything, I could come but I felt so turned off, not by the way they looked, but by who they were. I then dated somebody - who ended up raping me. For a while I was terrified of men, I wouldn't let them touch me, I wouldn't speak to strange men. I developed crushes and got butterflies with certain men but would literally run away from them if they tried to engage me in chat once i realised they were interested. Around the time I started remembering my rape, I also felt quite confused. Due to my expression people have often assumed I am gay or bisexual. For years it was a joke, and a way of getting creepy men away from me in bars. But my fear of men, and absence of men in my life for so long led me to think - maybe I was secretly gay and had been lying to myself for all these years? I have surrounded myself with women, both gay and straight, and my only male contact is from gay men. My fantasies are almost exclusively with men - I don't count dreams because I have had the most BIZARRE sex dreams. But lately my libido has dropped off the face of the earth. I'm terrified of men. But I'm very lonely and long for a relationship. I want a man to look after me and cuddle me. But I also keep unintentionally leading some ladies on. I'll think they're really cool and want to hang out and think theyre super interesting - and then it'll turn out they thought it was a date. Also - recently at a party (horrible night) there was a group of women making out in a room. It made me feel insanely uncomfortable - but also tingly down there. I don't know. I'm very confused. What freaks me out most is how secure I was before the 'Bad Thing' happened. Is it only my trauma that has caused me to feel like this?
I'm not experienced in issues of trauma but it sounds like the incident caused you a lot on confusion. Have you seen anyone about it? Someone to help you? Just know that you're not alone, someone will give you advice shortly.
