True sexual orientation evolving or just a psychological issue?

I've always had this issue with women, even in childhood. I've always had an issue with my mom touching me, but no issue with my dad being affectionate. I don't know if there's a rhyme or reason behind it, both my parents were/are still wonderful people. On the other hand, I've had little to no issue with my mom's mother touching me.

I have trouble fantasizing about women (though I still do it on the reg, even if there's a guy in the background too, or even taking a dominant role sometimes), but when I see a hot woman (or man too), I feel turned on. I've always had the thought with women, "I'm no good at sex, I'm a terrible person, I'm bad with women", but I've had this before I hit puberty. All my friends were boys, and I felt really stupid around the girls.

When I hit puberty, I was very very very aroused by girls. But I always had this thing on my mind, that "I can't have sex with her, I'm bad". That I can love her, but not the actual sex. I would still fantasize exclusively about girls, no matter what. It was definitely my favorite fantasy - I loved it. Now that I'm having a lot more sex with my girlfriend, I wonder if it wasn't really me being repulsed by my hetero orientation. But really, it was about the actual act of sex. Everything else - oral, whatever - I adored it. Nothing better for me. Women were very yummy to me.

But now that I'm discovering my own bisexuality, I wonder if really there is a psychological issue with me having sex with women, or am I really gay? I think with guys, I don't know yet if I will be turned on more or not (I need to experiment), but I don't think I have the same psychological hang-ups about having sex. That I'm not that scared that I won't please them. That it can be more fun.

So do you think I was really in such deep denial about my orientation that it manifested as those statements I mentioned above? Or was there a psychological issue? I always did love women sexually and emotionally, but now I wonder if because of this either it wouldn't be easier to love men, or if I'm actually gay for real?

 

I also realized upon stepping outside today that yes, I am still very interested in women for sex, haha. It's just that when I kiss my girl I have questions. But being more comfortable on days like today around men in person, it's like I desire them less sexually and more women. I'm very confused. I might need to resolve this. I might just be a confused bisexual. I guess.

Very often, on my own I am thinking men (and women too). I guess being with a girl, I'm desiring men sometimes, but without her, I desire women on and off. So weird.

 

No, I think my girl is awesome in bed. It's weird. I don't think I was ever attracted to guys like that before. I thought women were visually pleasing, so I would always get off to that. And I thought that that was my sexual orientation. And since hooking up with my girlfriend, I get the sense that we had no chemistry. We had everything else. I think the shocker here is that when I look at women, I find them hot, but in bed I'm not turned on the way I expected. And being near guys these days, for the first time in my life, I find my whole body tingling in what I think is enjoyment. I think I actually may be gay. Well, definitely bi to a significant degree. But when I find myself turning away when a girl kisses me or touches me unless I'm not looking (these days), I question my whole sexuality. On that note, I am crying a lot today, and talking my feelings out. I will see how I feel, but I am starting to have serious doubts about my relationship.

On the bright side, my dad has been so super awesome. I was always uncomfortable (for some reason! - wonder why), to talk to him about girls. But today, I opened up to him - for the first time - so much about my relationship and about the fact that I may be gay (not quite ready to admit that though), and he was so loving and kind and supportive, and told me that the most important thing is that I'm happy, whether it's with a guy/girl, whomever, and he doesn't want to see me unhappy. That was so amazing, how he is handling this!!! I feel so bad about all this at times, like it's my fault (it's not). Bad towards my girlfriend, my family, my future would-have-been family (possibly), friends, etc. Whatever. I wish I could just hug my girlfriend, make love to her, and it would all go away, the way I always fantasized about it (sexually) my whole life. But I'm sensing these days it's not meant to be. I just want to rot away right now...

 

Thank you, Laila. You are a lovely person for saying that.

I hope you are right, but I'm having real doubts. I'm letting go of the thoughts, and my attractions/arousals are lying with men now. Like I completely lost everything with women. I hope it's stress. But I'm beginning to think that it's not. I'm dropping the analysis and just going with my feelings. Once I work them out, I will know better. But I just have a feeling already about my sexuality...