I've felt attracted to girls and guys alike. I feel really awkward and shy around girls because I feel like they always expect something from me and I don't have what they want. I don't want to act like someone that I'm not to get to a girl. I love sex and started to masturbate to straight porn when I was a kid and women would turn me on. I experimented when I was a kid too and would have sex with my friends when i was around 6 to 9. I then had my first girlfriend when I was 17 for a while but we didn't do much because I was so shy and I didn't get close to her because I didn't know what she wanted from me. I've had crushes on girls before that but I've never acted on them because I was too shy, nervous or scared to ask them for anything. After she broke up with me I started to question my sexuality alot. I started to think gay thoughts and thought relationships and sex were easier to get to. I started watching gay porn and visiting gay sites. I had sex with around 30 guys from craigslist and I was always a top. I never liked the idea of being controlled or handled by another man. The thing is though, is that most of the times that I had sex, my mind was elsewhere. I was thinking about girls to make me cum. Sometimes I would cum but it was only for the feeling of sex not for the person. Sometimes I would cum for the feminine energy coming from a man but if it didn't feel genuine, it would be a turn off. I didn't understand why this would happen. I still get aroused around girls too but since I've had sex with guys more, I'm just confused. I've had dreams about sex with guys and girls but I had a wet dream about sex with a guy once after having sex with guys. Now, I think that I might be gay or bisexual but I'm not sure because I don't find men attractive on the street as I would with a woman on the street. I've thought back on having sex with men but it's more of the feeling than the actual body of a man. If they have feminine features, it would be a turn on. I just like the idea of having sex be it whatever but I had sex with mostly men because they offered it. I think that if it were women who offered me sex, I would've done it with them because I would've never turned down a woman if she was serious. I'm really scared of being rejected my women though. I've told my friends about being with men and I've distanced myself from them because of depression of going through this and my parents found out what I've done too. So I want to get a girlfriend and see if it works but I don't think I can knowing what I've done in my past and telling her this. I wouldn't turn down the chance of being with a woman. I might be scared, nervous or shy but if I felt safe around her, I could be there for her in every way. But there's always a "what if" in my head. I'm really confused and I need help to sort somethings out.
From my point of view everything is clear. You are shy and not demanding and try to give your girlfriend everything she wants, but you don't know exactly what it is and whether you can give it to her. Men were much easier for you, because they took the initiative to meet you even if you were the top. For me everyone who doesn't say otherwise is bisexual; most find that out only if something happens that makes heterosexuality problematic, as in your case. So you can label yourself as either STRAIGHT or BISEXUAL. STRAIGHT: There is no doubt that you want sex with women. So you are not gay. You should learn that you are not a service provider for women but someone who has equal rights, and COMMUNICATION is the method to learn what your girlfriend thinks, feels and wants. Don't put yourself under pressure, what you offer to your potential girlfriends is your PERSONALITY and your body, not the personality and the body of someone else. Be proud to be what you are, because that is how you want to be. If you want to change something, please do so. It is your choice. I don't see problem with the women, they will love to have such an amiable boyfriend. No, you really can't call yourself gay, see above! BISEXUAL: Craigslist isn't exactly the place for romantic encounters, so it is possible that you enjoy homosexuality much more if you act on crushes. You can study the male option in more detail, if you find that thrilling. I don't see any problem there, you have already experience and when you have fixed your problems with women the aspect of men as replacement for women disappears so that you can concentrate on men. The only question that I see is: If you imagine that you have the girlfriend you are looking for, do you think that the situation will be perfect and nothing missing, or will there be something in the back of your head that say: "Please, don't forget the wonderful homosexuality. I don't need it every day, but from time to time." :icon_wink In the end you decide which way you follow how far, and if you have a girlfriend she will perhaps not accept that you have sex with men or even male crushes. And in the end your label will reflect your actions, not your potential actions. It is possible that you will call yourself STRAIGHT in the future. Or BISEXUAL. Or even GAY should homosexuality outrank the other options. Up to you what you choose! If you look for a long-term relationship that is relatively traditional the heterosexual option will be the easier one, I think.
