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Confused and depressed.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by james1, Apr 20, 2013.

  1. james1

    Regular Member

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    I am in the closet about being gay. The thing is I am pretty sure, I am gay but, i really don't want to be. I really hate even thinking that i could be.I have developed a little bit of homophobia because, I always have been scared of being gay. I was always a little attracted to guys but, it was more like, i wished i looked like him.Plus always ,attracted to girls until around 18 and its just gone away. I don't feel anything toward them at all.I also never been in any relationship with girl, never developed feelings for girls .Its just now that i think i am gay, it has added even more stress to my life. I mean with high school ending and in the process of trying to move and managing a job. Now this is haunting me.Then their is also family, and my family is completely homophobic.So if they even thought i was contemplating this or that i could possibly be gay.They would probably disown me.I am just really depressed and it just feel like i am dragging through life. Its just that if i am gay my whole future feels like its going to change.That scares me. I just don't understand why i am all of sudden attracted to guys.Its like my mind telling me one thing but my body telling me another and i just hate it. . I feel lost and terrified and i just feel like i have let everyone in my family down because of this.. I feel like a mistake. i feel worthless and wish i could just change everything about me because i am not good enough. i just don't know what to do. i feel so stressed out about my whole life right now and nothing seems to be happening the way i thought it would.
     
  2. AKTodd

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    Hi there,

    I'm very sorry to hear that this is causing you so much stress (*hug*)

    I know exactly what you mean about wishing you looked like some guy or other. I went through that for a good chunk of HS and freshman year in college. Still do somewhat:slight_smile:

    Never had any interest in girls, never had any relationships with girls. Didn't think anything of it at the time or else just thought that I either had no time for silly little things like relationships (with anyone) or that I'd get around to feeling something eventually. Didn't much care honestly, had other issues. I never did the homophobia thing, due to a combo of upbringing (very liberal family life) and the whole concept homosexuality just having almost no impact on my day to day life growing up. Basically didn't even think about it as being of any relevance to me until a guy hit on me in college. Then it suddenly became very relevant.

    Regarding not wanting to be gay. If you are you are. It's just a part of you, as much as your eye color or hair color or that your favorite food is <insert name of favorite food here>.

    As far as it adding stress to your life along with leaving HS and moving and jobs and such: Take a deep breath. Let it out slowly. Try to relax. And remember that this particular issue is one that can probably keep for a bit while you focus on other things like finishing HS, moving, and a job, all of which probably have elements whose timing is much less in your control. Not saying to just try and suppress the gay stuff but maybe try to let it back burner for a while. A person's sex life generally takes up only a tiny portion of their total life and you gotta eat and have a place to sleep before you can really start thinking of who you might be doing those things with.