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I should not be this confused; would appreciate any feedback

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by cerulean, Apr 21, 2013.

  1. cerulean

    Regular Member

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    I'm really too old (nearly 30) to be so confused regarding my sexual orientation, but I know it's the result of many factors. If you would be willing to read through the details below, could you then give me your insights on what you think might be the best course of action?

    The Details
    - I actually "came out" to my mom when I was 16 because I was convinced I was gay
    - When I got older, I decided I did not want to be gay and spent five years trying to be straight. Part of this stems from the fact that I became a Christian.
    - I have sex dreams, and they are more frequently about men. But they are faceless men and it's only sex. The times I have sex dreams about women they are much more intimate, though sometimes also unnatural (i.e. I manage to penetrate the girl I am with).
    - I find women significantly more attractive than men, particularly regarding their legs and breasts. However some men are really good looking, specifically smooth-chested guys or well-dressed elegant older men.
    - I absolutely would not could not will not ever give a man oral sex. If it weren't for this, I think I could probably be straight enough to get married and have a nice little heteronormal life.
    - I've never dated (neither a man nor a woman) and I've never had sex with nor kissed a woman. I have issues with some of my physical characteristics and have consequently shied away from "exploring" too significantly in any direction.
    - I wonder sometimes if I am not craving closer emotional and physical relationships with women (due to whatever issues I may or may not have) and am consequently latching on too much to the idea of wanting to be with them rather than with men. This thought combined with the apparent attempts of my subconscious to shape things as heteronormative (i.e. even when I'm having a sex dream about a woman, it's usually somehow "straight sex") might mean I've internalized feelings that aren't mine, or it could also mean that I really am not gay but am finding sentiments that could be construed as such surfacing for some reason.
    - Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I do not want to be gay. If it's a matter of (self-)acceptance it might just be easier for me to learn to accept giving guys a blow job (okay maybe not). But the decision to "come out" remains kind of a last-resort option for me.

    So...am I attracted to women's personalities and looks more than anything? Could or should I consider giving in and pursuing a sexual relationship with women? Are there men out there who would be fine entering a relationship with a woman who will not satisfy him orally and will probably always check out other women (on the sly)? I am not looking to label myself; in fact I abhor labels. But I am also growing frustrated with my confusion, particularly given my increasing age. In short, I don't want to waste my life waiting for it to figure itself out...but I really need some helpful insights here. :confused: Thank you very much in advance.
     
  2. hiddenxrainbows

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    First of all, that is not too old to figure it out! Some people don't know their true sexuality til they're fifty, or older.

    Maybe you are more attracted to women, tho it doesn't necessarily mean you're gay. I am WAAY more attracted to women, but I like some guys too. I'm even dating a guy. Heck, I even find a lot of guys disgusting, personality wise as well as appearance. I don't really find a lot of guys physically attractive, especially the ones that most girls are into. The ones I like the most are the feminine ones. And I hate how a lot of guys will just concern themselves with getting into girls pants, and be complete vulgar and gross. But disregarding that, I am in fact dating a guy.

    Sorry, I kinda ranted there. But as for the oral thing, people saying that guys freaking LOVE oral is a myth. Yes, a lot of them like it. But my boyfriend doesn't try forcing me to do it, and he doesn't ask for it that much. And I know two other guys that don't even really like oral. The one said he can't even get off with that. So oral isn't EVERYTHING to guys. And if you find a guy that tries convincing you to do it all the time and gets pissed if you don't, he isn't worth it. Your partner should respect your feelings, and should be willing to find other things to do in bed that both of you are willing to do and can enjoy.

    Also, if you want to check out girls while you're dating a guy, I can't see that as a major problem. As long as you're not going to cheat on him, it doesn't matter. Nearly everyone checks out others, even when they're already in a relationship. Plus, most guys think lesbians are hot anyway, so they prolly won't care if their girl checks out other girls. They might even be like my boyfriend and like that you check out other girls. Cuz I do, in front of him even. We'll talk about girls we look at and find attractive.

    And I know being a christian can make being lgbt difficult. But some christians are really accepting of lgbt people. Just because you believe in god doesn't mean you have to hate yourself if you're not straight. I believe god loves everyone, even lgbt people.
     
  3. Sinopaa

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    Out to everyone
    Ok, what I'm getting out what you wrote might be somewhat surprising. What you wrote points to you being happiest with a woman (such as finding women significantly more attractive then men, disgust with giving a man oral), but your Christian upbringing has indoctrinated you that "being gay is a sin". You felt that in order to be happy you had to be with a guy. Hating apart of yourself, openly or subconsciously, tends to give low self-esteem as you feel somewhat busted. That could be part of the reason why you shy away from wanting to date women. However, I feel that you are not a lesbian. There are a few key things you stated that makes me think you might be dealing with a Transgender issue. When you look at a guy that catches your eye, do you feel some sense of envy? I look at women and sometimes confuse wanting to be with them with wanting to have something physically about them on myself. Finding someone attractive and being envious of a person are very close feelings to each other, so they are easy to confuse.

    In your dreams with men they are all faceless and it's only sex, nothing intimate. As a trans* person I can relate with these kind of dreams. My brain is wired as a woman, so I have that society ingrained notion that women should sexually be with men. However, as a lesbian I also know that a guy would never satisfy me, so the feeling was completely empty when I would have dreams about having sex as a woman with a guy. In the dreams you are in with women you say you penetrate them. The experience is more intimate, yet you feel awkward penetrating them. Your subconscious is telling you that you're not a woman with another woman, but that you are the man having hetero sex with a woman. You feel it is natural, yet your outside image is holding you back from understanding why it's natural. Do you have dreams where you are sexual as a woman to another woman? If so, do these dreams bring about an intimate feeling, or just mindless sex like when you are with a man? If you feel nothing as a woman with another woman then this is a very strong sign of being transgendered.

    Next is that you have never dated and feel there are problems with your physical anatomy to the point that you shy away from exploring. This could be because you don't feel comfortable entering a relationship with a woman as a woman. Tell me, have you ever wanted to be the guy in a relationship? When you're with a guy do you have any sort of thoughts like "I envy him" or "I wish I was a guy.". Those are more Trans* related self given questions; Lesbians typically do not have those thoughts. If you are attracted to women but clearly do not wish to identify as a lesbian, feel the most natural penetrating women, and have no interest in men outside of a certain appearance then I seriously think you may want to look into if you are a Transgender man in a womans body.

    When I was dating straight girls I was struggling with trying to find my place in the relationship. I was clearly attracted to women, yet I felt uncomfortable being told how handsome or rugged I looked. I wasn't interested in gaining muscle mass and regularly dieted to keep a slim figure, which often confused my girlfriends. And I refused to have anything done to my penis. Just the thought of penetrating a girl or having one give me oral sent shivers down my spine. When I had sexual dreams my most intimate experiences was being a woman with another woman. I went through 9 disastrous relationships with straight girls until I finally blurted out "This would be so much easier if I was a girl!". Then it all hit me like a ton of brinks. I did research and found my feelings were natural for a girl born in a mans body. When I finally did came out as being a Trans* woman it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Everything that was confusing about myself just clicked then.

    I strongly encourage that you do research on Transgender Female to Male. It may hold answers to questions about your body and subconscious that make little sense right now.