would love some advice!

Hi there!

On my iPad so typing is limited, but just wanted to point out that being gay doesn't prevent you from having kids or settling down. You'd just be doing it with a husband or partner rather than a wife.

Welcome to EC

Todd

 

If you are experiencing sexual attraction towards both genders, then you are most likely bisexual and not gay. You don't have to commit to a label or limit yourself. Explore a bit. IMO, gay is only a good label when you know that you have no attraction towards the opposite sex and could only find relationships/sex with the same sex as satisfying.

 

Thomas, let me play detective to fully understand your post:

That means you were interested in girls only until puberty.

You had several relationships with girls ...

… but you already knew that you want a man and not a woman.

Why did you want to have a wife when you already knew that you have no sexual interest in women? A wife as a tool for the fulfilment of the the dream of a happy family?

Do you feel an obligation to settle down with wife & children in the future? Pleasing father, mother, grandparents, aunts and uncles and your siblings

How can this kind of life be YOUR dream, if you are not attracted to women in the first place?

Look to China and you will see that you are in a much better situation:
China's gay lovers desperately seeking 'a wife' | World news | The Guardian
Queer Comrades | Mama Rainbow

My impression is that your sex life is not guided by YOUR longing or craving but by your desire to PLEASE OTHERS:

Now let us have a look at your men:

That is crystal clear!

You knew that you were only interested in men but you did NOTHING to find out more about homosexuality:

This is why:

You spent the last six years with a heroic battle to reclaim your straight identity.

For whom did you fight? Not for yourself, because you wanted men. Did you try to please your father, your mother, grandparents, aunts, uncles and siblings?

Because a gay Thomas is unacceptable for them?

You knew that you are not straight.

You knew that you girls don't attract you sexually.

But you were sure that you didn't long for girls. You tried everything, but the diagnoses was always the same: Not bisexual!

Not straight, not bisexual, what is left?

Because that would be the absolute catastrophe. Perhaps not for you, but for your family. And indirectly for you. The one thought you could not allow yourself to think. Because that was the temptation you had to fight.

You knew very well that 'gay' describes your emotional and sexual relations to men and women perfectly.

Why do you think that it is your 'decision' whether you are gay? Okay, 'gay' is a self-identity, so it is up to you whether you use it or not. So let's say 'homosexual' instead. A homosexual desire or an action are not decisions! You are like that! And you should be thankful for that! I began with heterosexuality and loved it, then I found out about homosexuality and loved it. For me it is really strange that people don't enjoy the kind of sexuality they understand and try to exchange it for something they dislike.

But there is an explication, of course:

Bernadette Barton, Pray the Gay Away: The Extraordinary Lives of Bible Belt Gays, New York University Press 2012:

“Again, Misty is still not out to her parents. She explained that her childhood socialization literally prevented her from perceiving and interpreting her same-sex attractions, i. . e. that her fantasies about women might mean she was a lesbian. It was not simply that she was afraid to identify as a lesbian, but that the fear was so big it created a kind of white noise in her head that drowned out all thought.” (93)

“[T]he closet is TOXIC not only because it is a place that encourages secrecy and shame but also because closeting inhibits effective communication with others about oneself, and then this lack of language compromises one's social interactions. We learn in the toxic closet to hold back, to not express ourselves, to accept that we do not deserve the taken-for-granted social courtesies, legal rights, respect, care, and support that heterosexuals enjoy without thought. We deserve better.” (88)

Don't be afraid to say that YOU ARE GAY! Only ignorants tremble from head to foot if they hear that word. Do you tremble now? :icon_wink

You want to hear that YOU ARE GAY! Because you can't say it yourself!

What I really like about Empty Closets is the tolerant way most people here deal with sexual identities, not trying to impose their own identity on other, and cm81990's post is an excellent example.

I come to the conclusion that bisexuality was the incarnation of your HOPE that you are not gay. You knew that you are not straight, you were terrified that you are gay, so bisexuality was the last hope. You are not asexual, correct? :icon_wink

When I read your post for the second time I asked myself why it appears so encrypted. Now that I have encrypted it – in my way – I understand the reason. You are used to hide the truth about yourself, you created the identity vacuum in yourself to make the return of your former straight identity possible.

When you go on posting here you will learn to speak about your inner world, about your desires and your sexual experience.

We talked about homosexuality in an abstract way. It is much more useful to talk about the people that have attracted you in your life. About your CRUSHES! I could endlessly talk about my crushes. Look who your crushes are, and you don't need the abstract words. Because your crushes have names that you mutter again and again.

Thomas, no matter who your crushes are, don't forget to ask yourself what YOU WANT, not what others want you to 'want'. :icon_wink

Feel free to write more the the crushes of your past, writing is often helpful because even if you are confused your text is less confuse than your thoughts. When you see what you have written you can think about your own thoughts and improve them, which is much easier than selecting one thought in your head and analyze it with a second thought. :icon_wink

Wonderful, and you even write the adjective with a capital G!

You struggled with yourself. But the reason for the struggle was outside of yourself. Now you know the basics, that you are gay and that your next step should be the search for a relationship, but you must also focus on the society and the persons that are responsible for years lost with a fruitless struggle against yourself.

 

Hm. I'm so glad to hear you say that. Because reading (and then deconstructing) one relatively short post from a person who lists themselves as questioning and then flat out telling them they are GAY (in caps no less) seems like more than a little bit of an imposition in its own right.

The OP may very well be gay. Or he may be bi. Or one of the many many groups or sub-groups that are in play these days when it comes to orientation. But he needs to be free to explore that question for himself, with support from the folks here if he wishes it, not simply be told what he is (in CAPS no less) after one post and a bunch of 'analysis' that frankly seems to owe as much to imagination as any serious consideration of what was actually said from what I can tell.

If you're such a fan of tolerance and not imposing ones own identity on others, it would seem a good thing to therefore practice that, nu?

Todd

 

I'm with Todd on this one.

 

Heh. Thanks to the wonders of surrogacy, you can do that to if you wish.

As far as wanting to date a woman, I'm 100% gay so I have a hard time relating to that. But what I can relate to is beside the point. What you can relate to is what's important

There are a number of categories of 'not straight' out there these days and what you're describing may fall into one of them (I'm not up on them I'm afraid, but some folks in EC are). Or not. It may be too early to tell yet and the best thing to do might be to just keep posting here and talking to folks and getting various viewpoints on it and seeing what speaks to you.

Hope this helps,

Todd

 

You should go with what you are feeling in the present time. If you're not feeling it for girls, you can't force it and would be better off letting that go. Trust your instincts! If you are feeling it for some girls, then explore it. The bottom line is not to force anything. It needs to come naturally. Believe me, I did at one time tried bisexuality as the last resort before accepting the truth. I think Cougar was right on that one. Your description sounds very similar to my life.

 

Damn COUGAR, your really GOOD love the dectiative work (yeah i cant spell for shit)

Cougar summed it up pretty well...