I'm bisexual, but I feel differently about men and women, and I'm just trying to figure that out right now. Hopefully some of you lovely people can help me. Basically, I feel the way towards women that I would if I were a lesbian or evenly bisexual. I love the hell out of them. I've been in love twice, both times with women, and I've been attracted to women plenty of times. There's also a sort of romantic feeling to how I feel about them, even the ones I'm just fooling around with: sometimes I just look at women and they're so beautiful that it knocks me on my back, and doing anything physical with a woman makes my heart pound. I also feel very protective towards them and tend to be more caring towards women I'm friends with than to men I'm friends with. If I date a man for too long, I start daydreaming about women and feeling frustrated about how long it's been since I've been with one. The way I feel towards men is kind of confusing, though. I'm definitely attracted to them, and I think I slightly prefer sex with men to sex with women when it comes to the actual act (but only slightly, and I think it's just because I like the ability to easily get mutuality while still being face-to-face, since 69ing doesn't involve eye-contact and scissoring is awkward to do). And it's not like I only want them for sex exclusively, because I've dated men before, and I've enjoyed hugging them, cuddling with them, holding hands, etc. The affection is nice, and I've gotten attached to men before and missed them when we broke up. The thing is, I've never loved a man, and I don't feel like I could. When I think about the future with a man I'm dating, my brain goes, "No, silly, you have to be with a woman at the end." I've really, really liked a man, but I've never had one that could instantly bring a smile to my face or that I couldn't get out of my mind. I have trouble feeling close to men, too, in the way that I can with a woman. I feel more like myself with women. When guys do romantic things for me, I love it and it makes me feel affectionate towards them, but when women do them, it makes me feel all swoony and lovestruck. Women I'm dating seem to capture my attention better than men do, and I always feel confident and calm when I'm asking a man out or something, while women that I like can turn me into an awkward puddle of awkward. But have I never loved a man because I'm not able to, or do I feel like I'm not able to love a man because it hasn't happened yet? I can't remember too well how it felt before I fell in love with a woman for the first time to think about being with a woman, because I had never really considered it before then, but I remember thinking back then that I would never fall in love with anyone. Also, if I really can't love a man, why? It makes no sense. It's not that I think there's anything wrong with me being with a woman, but I have specific interests when it comes to a serious partner, and there are so many more straight men than queer women on the planet, so if I met a man who liked women and was everything I wanted in a partner (which is statistically more likely than meeting a woman who likes women and is everything I want), and I could be highly attracted to him, enjoy sex with him, hug and cuddle and kiss him and enjoy that, enjoy his company, admire him as a person, feel attached to him, connect with him over shared values and interests, and love it when he expresses affection and feelings for me, why couldn't I love him? What's missing there? It makes no sense to me why I couldn't just love a man under those circumstances, but even when I try to imagine being with my dream man, my brain just tries to go, "But what about a WOMAN?! I want one of those!" Ugghh, this is confusing as all get-out.
What about what I posted says "demisexual"? I'm pretty sure that doesn't fit. Everyone, I'm not so much looking for a label for my orientation as for answers to the questions in my posts.
