Something's missing....

Hi, I'm brand spankin new here. I've wanted to badly to be able to talk about this, but didn't know what to say, and definitely didn't have anyone to talk to. I've gone through life feeling something is missing. I remember feeling this way as a teen, too. I didn't even date till well out of high school. I've always felt attracted to women, but not sexually. More emotionally, the closeness, the understanding, cuddling, holding hands...whatever. Sex, at this time, doesn't interest me.

I am married for a dozen years, and my husband and I have drifted apart some, we get along just fine, but the closeness, the romance, is gone. I have found myself clinging closer to a dear friend of mine. She is single, no kids, and we have been friends for a lifetime.

Is it wrong that we cuddle? Is it wrong that I want to? I desire the closeness, not from a man, but from a woman. I have walked through the park holding the hand of a dear same-sex friend, I quite recently have had my closest friend over for movies, where I often end up resting my head in her lap, with her hand on my shoulder or playing in my hair. I love it. More than anything. But I feel so wrong.

It's not a sexual thing, I don't desire anyone that way. Not now, anyway. But the closeness of a woman, that I desire as much as air. Hugs, touches, pecks on the cheek, I want it all. I'm such a cuddler by nature anyway, but don't have the desire with a man. I had one friend who we kissed each other on the lips. Just pecks, nothing passionate. I love it.

I've felt like this since high school. And, not dating through high school, I was asked if I was gay. I wasn't offended by the remark, but I denyed it also.

Why is it I desire the affection, closeness, energy of another woman, but not sex? Is this more common than I think?

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to ask this question.

Liz

 

I really had hoped for more replies. Perhaps I'm in the wrong area? Seriously.... I'm pretty mixed up.

 

I am not turned off by sex in the least (with men). I enjoy it...yes. But don't look for it. So, I guess I'd have to say I can be sexually attracted to men, yes. (I've never had anything else). I like sex. Do I picture myself having sex with a woman? No. Would I kiss a woman? Definitely. Have I had the urge with my friend? Sure. When I was younger, I had a close female friend, we pecked each other on the lips without thinking about it...all the time. Hello, goodbye, whatever. Loved it. Heck, my own husband doesn't kiss me anymore. Agonizingnose and Priiide, I would love for you to read the post I put up today in the "chit chat" section. Titled something like "Sexuality and Christianity". There's more info there. If it's ok to do so, I'm glad to copy and post the post here as well.

Thanks for your insight...and questions. I'm not looking for a label. I'm looking to understand my feelings....I guess if that means a label for myself, so be it. But am sure hoping there are others feeling the same way I do.

Ugh. I am really putting myself out there now....(too late for an annonymous post? LOL). When we are close....cuddling or whatever, I physically get turned on, if ya know what I mean. I can't help it...it just happens. But do I desire sex at the time? No. So really, just that physical response to having her close tells me something is not what it seems on the outside. Right? That definitely doesn't happen with a man.

Liz

---------- Post added 3rd May 2013 at 01:17 PM ----------

Here's the post I wrote this morning...in the chit chat section.

My dearest friend is deeply religious. I have known her for a very long time, and she's always been single. Many people through the years were quite sure she was gay. It was the talk of the town for years. She's 50 years old, never married, no kids. She's content in her life. My inner feelings are starting to get stronger, both for her, and for the questioning of my sexuality. We are quite close friends, we have no problem holding hands, cuddling, or, if on a trip out of town for the weekend, no problem sleeping in the same bed. I know she likes cuddling, but at the same time is uneasy about it... saying things like "if you tell anyone I'll have to kill ya." I know how I feel about her, and I feel like she feels the same way about me, but neither of us will say it.

There have been times she's gone overboard in talking about how wrong the gay lifestyle is in relation to her religion, her God, the Bible, whatever. She's brought it up often enough that it makes me feel like perhaps she's doing the same thing I am....questioning a straight lifestyle. She's overcompensating her beliefs....trying to talk herself out of it. That's what I think. Wondering if anyone else agrees. I mean, I've always kissed my dear friends on the cheek. She even overcompensates by saying she will never kiss a woman, period. It's as if she's trying to be straight when she really might not be.

My love for her is strong, and I'm so happy when I'm with her. If she really feels the same way I do, I wish one of us had the nerve to say it to the other. But I don't mind just continuing our close friendship....close emotionally, and at times physically too. Definitely NOTHING sexual, heck, like I said, she won't even kiss me on the cheek. She never ever has. I kiss her cheek often, though, but I've been that way with friends anyway. So when I say close physically, I simply mean lots of hugs, holding hands, cuddling....

I am just curious if anyone else gets the same vibe. The anti gay/religion talk that gets obsessive, and the fact that she absolutely will NOT kiss a woman ever, even on the cheek. Feels like she's fighting herself. I know I'm fighting myself too....

 

As well as my original post, I'd love feedback on my friend.... I feel like some signals are there...but at the same time I never want to overstep my boundaries...whatever those are.