Hey guys, I've accepted that I'm gay, so that's pretty much it for that. But I keep having these feelings of I don't know what, but I think it would be best described as mild internalized homophobia. I don't even know if I should be calling it that, because I'm comfortable being gay, and I'm comfortable around other gay guys, and I openly support LGBT causes. Here's the gist of it: when people ask where I think I'll be in 20 years, my external answer is usually something work-related, but my internal answer to myself is "married to a guy that I can grow old with". And yet subconsciously, my brain is telling me that getting married to a guy is inherently unnatural. I completely understand that there's no truth to that, but I can't help but to be haunted by that thought. Does anyone else feel this way? Anyone have any advice for me? I'm kinda lost here and I feel like :bang: to get this out of my head
I'm new here...and have to admit I don't know a lot... But my thoughts.... if you know you're gay, and comfortable with that fact, great. If you are having trouble with the "marriage" part....well, why plan for marriage? Some people live perfectly wonderful lives together without getting married at all. Some are just terrified of the M word. I guess I'm the type of person who takes one day at a time, and don't plan too far into the future. I have dreams, sure. But if the marriage issue isn't comfortable for you yet, then, in 20 years, I'd just plan on BEING with someone who you plan to grow old with. Not necessarily marriage. Take it from someone who just joined this site last night, who's married (to a man), but have forever been questioning myself. I always felt it was women I wanted to be close with, but for all of my adult life just went with what was...well, right, in my mind, based on how I was raised, blah blah blah. I've learned that until we're true with ourselves, we'll always feel like a piece of us is missing. I'm missing something.... and maybe you are too, in a way. If marriage doesn't sit well with you right now, just go with the flow, take things one day at a time, and know you want to spend the rest of your life with a special someone. Marriage can come if it's meant to.
Oh yeah, I've totally been there. The other day at work, my coworker asked me if when I was having kids. I just simply answered "I don't know." However, inside my brain was going through all these scenarios of how can I tell them I'm a lesbian and having kids will be a bit hard, yet still attainable thing to do. How can I tell them that I might not have my own biological kids and will adopt with my partner? Should I go into the part that adoption is hard for gay couples? What will they say? I probably shouldn't tell them. After all these questions and thoughts stop, I ask myself why I'm so reluctant to tell them all of these. And the simple answer is I'm scared of how they will react to me. I don't want them to treat me any differently. Heteronormativity is not only the norm in the straight world, but it sometimes sneaks itself in the LGBT community. As a lesbian, I'm forced to come out every single day and each time it's scary because you just never know how people will react to you. The way I deal with it is I just tell myself that I should not be afraid or ashamed of this part of myself. That there is no such thing as normal or abnormal. That the part that society tells me is wrong is the part that loves, so I shouldn't hide it. I hope this helps.
Give it time. Just keep telling yourself there's nothing wrong with marrying a guy, and thinking it over, and it'll stop seeming strange to you. Somewhat related example - I once worked with a disabled kid with a very odd facial appearance. At first, whenever I caught sight of his face, I had a visceral reaction of 'faces are not supposed to look like that!' But as I got to know him better and got used to him, it just became 'the way X looks' and I didn't think he looked strange at all.
It was the image of myself in love with a man and sharing my life with him, just that thought that brought me out of the closet to myself. It's important to imagine the smallest possible detail of what it will be like to be in a long-term relationship with some special other man...if you can do that, you will have something in your mind that you can get used to, until the real guy shows up!
