So here's the gist of what's going on in my mind, I'd just like to get it off my chest to someone and see if anyone can relate. ^_^ I'm 14 and coming close to the end of 8th grade. I've been questioning my sexual orientation since I was 13 and in 7th grade. At first I thought I wasn't lesbian because I thought I would have known by 7th grade, obviously I was wrong though and sexuality is a life long process, and I didn't actually even have my first crush on anyone until 7th grade. I was also pretty depressed in 7th grade, looking back this may have been my "denial" stage, and I also had some suppressed memories of some sexual harassment I had gone through when I was really young (nothing major, as far as I remember it was very mild but obviously still upsetting to remember.) My friends and I constantly seem to make jokes that poke at each others sexuality (or gender, I'm the most masculine of us girls in the group XD and then things like "flirting" with each other just for laughs) but all of them think I'm straight. But much of 7th I was trying to figure out of I was straight or bi. Now in 8th grade the only thing I've figured out is I'm not straight. My current confusion is whether I am bisexual or a lesbian. Maybe I just haven't met the right person or maybe 'm not old enough but I've always found the idea of having sex with a guy gross while I have no problem thinking about women in that way. The idea of being with a woman seems more and more natural to me the more I think about it. The only guys I'e ever found attractive are all very slender and feminine and I am not attracted at all to muscly guys. (that could just be personal preference I suppose) The more I think about the crushes I've had on guys the more forced they seem, like I thought I liked them because they were nice and others considered them cute and it was expected of me to like them like that. Personality wise though its a whole other story. For the most part I get along better with guys than girls. Now I have more female friends though, but none of them are very girly. I don't really think about my male friends as potential boyfriends I usually feel like "one of the guys" around them. I've told my friends I have a crush on one of them but I think that may just be me hiding deep in the closet. He's super kind, cute, intelligent but humble, etc. basically the ideal type for me but there is just like little to no attraction, no butter flies on my stomach or a fast heartbeat when I'm talking to him. I haven't had that feeling in quite some time and the last I felt it was when I was around a girl I don't get to see much anymore. As far as getting along with girls I don't get along with a ton but when I do get along with a girl its usually a really really good strong friendship. I don't know, now that I'm putting it down in words I'm starting to lean more towards the idea that I'm a lesbian and only thought I was bi for so long due the little bits of denial I didn't even really consciously realize I had and because the ignorance of society has us growing up believing a relationship should consist two people of opposite genders. Thanks for listening to me and sorry I rant on quite a bit!
Yeah, I'm right here in the same boat as you. I can remember times where I've "liked" boys, but it always felt empty and weird. I just sort of... wanted someone to like me, if you know what I mean. And I can definitely relate to you on the bit about muscular guys vs. the pretty feminine ones. I feel like this is a spot where a lot of queer ladies get stuck - I've seen quite a few posts like this just in the little bit of time I've been hanging around. It's hard to tell what's aesthetic attraction, what's sexual attraction, and what's just plain old denial when it comes to the opposite gender. You're definitely not alone!
Don't worry about ranting. Everyone does it on here, and it's healthy to let your feelings out. ^_^ but anyway, I can definitely relate. I started questioning my sexuality about two years ago. It took me a few weeks to come out to mostly everyone as bi. But throughout these two years, I've had two major boyfriends, and throughout those relationships, every so often, I would yearn for a woman. And the last few weeks, I've been rethinking my sexuality and wondering if I'm a lesbian. I'm still with my boyfriend, but secretly trying to figure it out. Since I came out as bi, I've noticed I've always been waay more attracted to girls. And the guys I like are usually feminine. I hate those muscular guys as well. Also, I kind of hate the way a lot of guys are, majorly flirting with girls just to do sexual things. I hate being treated like a piece of meat. And within the last month, I don't really find any guys attractive at all, except my boyfriend. And I think I'm even less attracted to him now. And I remember when I first started questioning being a lesbian, I totally freaked out and started bawling. So it makes me wonder even more if I am, because the immense attraction to women and the fact that I got really scared and started crying. It makes me wonder if I'm just clinging to my boyfriend so much because I'm in denial and hoping that I can just stay bi, in hopes of having a somewhat more normal life. So I definitely know how you feel. Sorry, I kinda ranted about myself, when I meant to post to help you. Anyway, you're not alone in this. I just wish I could help you more with this.
I think the best idea is to stop thinking in terms of being this or that. Just think about what you want, who you want to be with, and follow that. I'm a writer, and one of the things they tell young would-be writers is stop thinking about "being a writer." Just write.
