I’ve been confused about my sexuality lately, and I don’t know if it’s due to finals or because I need a deeper connection other than what I’ve experienced. Out of the 4 partners with whom I’ve had sex, three of them were at least between ten to thirty years older than me. I used to avidly cruise on the site *********, but I don’t anymore because on an emotional level, there is a sense of shame which still lingers about these experiences. I feel like my confusion comes from different circumstances throughout my life, which sometimes feels like a lucrative task to understand; even when I try deductive reasoning, I feel like these events should all come into place and consciously make sense. In an attempt to maybe figure some of these problems out, here’s a bit of my background to gain some context. From about five to eight, I experienced a lot of verbal abuse and other trauma as a kid in Catholic school. After leaving there and going to public school thirteen-fourteen years ago, I can’t remember all of what happened, as most of my memories of school during that time recall blackouts. I do remember taking emotional refuge in things that made me feel protected, such as anything deemed acceptable by society, such anything deemed “masculine”, like putting others before yourself, etc. Furthermore, feeling so vulnerable, I eventually gained much weight and kept it on until I was 16. When I transferred public school when I was eight or nine, I felt more ashamed of myself being fat when I noticed everyone else was thin; I had a difficult time ‘fitting in’ as a kid. For a long time, I unconsciously blamed myself for these circumstances because not only was I overweight, but had been through traumatic experiences in which I could see that these kids did not, so being overweight as well as troubled and confused in morals and identity, not being “athletic” or “good-looking”, which I associate as being “care-free” and “happy”, I wanted to conform to these standards, but that didn’t work trying to be “popular”; I really carried a lot of burden, guilt, shame, and confusion as a kid and I always felt alone. As a result, I found that feeling of security in those who were authoritarian figures, like parents, teachers, or any adults as a kid. Therefore, for a long time I placed myself below to please others, I believe as a way to emotionally survive as well attempt to belong and not be alone. And, all that I could see was that those who weren’t alone and looked as if they belonged were those who were the opposite of me. Yet, I couldn’t fit into people my age because I used my unfortunate circumstances to place myself above them in terms of experience, which only alienates myself from others by mentally “prerequisiting” my concepts of someone, whether (potential) friends or (potential!!) partners. These feelings were especially prevalent when I was hooking-up and looking for guys who might meet these desires. The first guy out of the three was ten years older than me and was a really nice guy, and I physically enjoyed. However, there wasn’t that sort of authoritarian “wisdom” I was looking for because he was still in the closet, and still internalized the notion that his sexuality was something a struggle and a sin. Having several months prior experienced the “wisdom” of being called “evil” by my own father, I was automatically turned off and had a difficult time getting it up. The second guy was the worst, and I can’t bring myself to discuss the manner of how I finally got into his room (we were at a hotel) :bang:. Anyway, it was this once athletic guy who, of course, did not look like his picture and let himself go. Overall, he was disgusting in the way he treated me like an object and I left when I realized he didn’t have a condom and was inside me. :dry: Even as I type this, it depresses me! The third guy was much older than me and was nice, but everything felt so artificial, especially after the second guy. So after we were done, I had to leave. I desire to find someone who respects me and doesn’t take advantage of me because I’m so affectively attuned degrading myself by comparing my intellect, physicality, etc. to someone else’s attributes; yet, this really dark part of me feels like I deserve someone to degrade me because I’m not doing that enough already. The deeply insecure part of me feels like that nothing will change or that I’m doomed to be alone. Luckily, through deconstructing my thoughts, this part of me has reduced greatly. It did last night I as I drove out to an abandoned field to burn a prayer book given to me for Christmas because I’m so sick of being hyperbolically affected to “obey” authorities and me impeccably trying to perfectly comply with such standards for acceptance. It fucks with my head. Overall, I have made so much progress by being myself, but there’s a part of me that is just disappointed. Yet, I’m trying and wanting to trust more people in terms of interpersonal relationships, and everything else about me sexually is on the back-burner. Yet, I’m sexually confused, despite the fact I know I’m gay. Yet, I think this confusion still stems from a sense of inner guilt. From a kid to saying “forget it!” to these hook-ups, I’d place myself below the guys whom I felt adhered to those outrageous hyper-masculine stereotypes because I’ve indoctrinated these idealizations as a kid and thought that was the only way to live life. This is, of course, deceptive to myself and arguably arrogant in terms of internally judging others whom I internally deemed lesser than me due to the way they looked (primarily these people would remind the part of me for whom I’m ashamed), but within myself, I do understand that this is just an insecure part of me, still having a deep-pitted desire to fit in. The truth of the matter is that I’m having a hard time trying to get past what used to be my perceived attractions and figuring out what it is I’m attracted to. Even so, I can’t even masturbate anymore, therefore I can’t figure out if the reason is due to underlying feelings or that I’m disappointed right now.
