Hello everyone! I am a seventeen year old female who is currently in a state of extreme confusion. I have been raised in a very accepting community, being told from a young age that I will be loved and accepted, no matter what my sexual orientation may be. I'm saying this because some people's confusion seems to stem from denial of who you really are, which is not my case. I have never thought much about the subject of my sexual orientation, feeling like whatever happens, happens, and it's not like I could do anything about it anyway. However, I have always been very sure that I am hetero. Even when I was too young to even understand those kinds of feelings, I always just kind of knew, if that makes sense. I have also always been very confident with my sexuality, being very close with my friends, "acting lesbian" and never having been ashamed of my straight-girl crush on Hayley Williams. It's just always been me, and life has been good and easy, until suddenly, recently something started to slowly creep forward in my mind, and I sat in my bed, thinking "Oh, shit." After all those years of confidence and easiness, everything crumbled and turned into a big ball of confusion. But turning back in time: So, I think I was only like 13 when the first girl seriously hit on me, asking about my sexual orientation. I have never really been particularily attractive, and thus I knew that there must've been some other reason to why that stranger would ask me that question. From that point on, I kept getting those random question about my sexual orientation. People would just jump to the conclusion that I was lesbian and after some time I started to think about it a lot. What was it that made them think that by just looking at me? Is it possible for someone to determine the sexuality of a person by just a glance? So many people must have a point, since other people wouldn't experience this. This didn't really mean much to me, though, since, as stated earlier, I was confident in myself and some of them could have just gotten the wrong idea from my affectionate behaviour with my friends. When I started watching porn I would watch straight porn, or sometimes even gay guys which I guess makes sense, since guy was what I was attracted to. It worked well, but then I realized that I found lesbian porn equally as hot, and I had to really sit down and think about that too. By this point perhaps I should start considering the possibility of being bisexual, but I didn't, not at all, actually. Girls outside of the videos were nothing more than very platonic relationships and strangers on the streets. Coming to the conclusion that porn was porn and porn is hot, that's that, I left that behind me... Until the dreams came. When I had my first sex dream, it was about a girl. I woke up feeling really weirded out and shaken, but the set-up was a lot like a porno, and I guessed that that was the reason. After that one I had normal dreams, which were just normal days, but I was gay. It was never mentioned, or even thought of in the dream, but I knew it and everyone else knew it. I make most of my decisions unconciously. I have a deep trust that it knows way more about me than the concious part of my brain and know that if I give it enough time, it can usually bring the information forth to my conciousness. Since dreaming basically is just the unconcious being let free and going crazy while the sane part is resting, I thought: "Is this my unconciousness' way of telling me that I'm gay?" It made sense, so I thought that it might be the case, although it was locked somewhere in the unconciousness, since I still did not feel any attraction towards girls. I decided to once again move on and leave it behind me, aware of that I was still young and did not feel a lot lf sexual attraction towards anyone. I would probably figure it out later. I stopped thinking about it almost completely, stopped thinking any thought of romance I might had had before... And then recently came the boom. A girl. I don't think I have ever felt so attracted to someone in my entire life. I don't even know her very well, but she just gives me this feeling of.... Depressing joy. It is impossible to explain, I mean, I don't even know if it's sexual attraction! She has literally turned everything upside down and I am so lost. This feels like a LOT of information but I just need to get it off my chest. If someone would answer it would mean a lot to me. The problem is that I don't know how I feel. After I seemingly fell for this girl, my preferences seems to have been changing every day. One day I feel like girls are the best thing in the world and I end up thinking about the girl at random situations, something I have never done before, and consider telling my friends that I'm gay, and other days I am walking down the street and think "Oh, boy. I am straight, deeefinitely straight." That I am in fact bisexual feels like the obvious answer, but it's not like that. I have never been attracted to both genders at the same time, it's like my brain can't make up it's mind which way it wants to go. Rather than taking a middle road, it's standing on the edge of the sidewalk, not sure which route it wants to take.
Relax, it is not as complicated as you think. That was a premature judgment because you had no experience with homosexuality (and heterosexuality?). They helped you to discover your homosexuality! A very wise decision! Why not … … nobody expects that from you! You don't write about males, only about your former straight identity. Now you are fascinated by females. Call yourself LESBIAN AND STRAIGHT for some time if that helps you. Strictly speaking that is nonsense, of course, because these labels are exclusive. But then you can switch between them from day to day. You know very well that the technical term is BISEXUALITY. Perhaps both sexes are too much for you in the moment? Then try LESBIAN! :icon_wink Don't think too much, don't confuse yourself until you are totally paralysed, don't look for a pretext for inaction! Be courageous and explore the females now. The males can wait!
I'm going to say the opposite and I think you are on the heterosexual end of the spectrum, have you heard about the Kinsey Scale, you should check it out, might help you relax and be at peace in your mind a little if i was to put a number i think youre about 2/3. But only YOU can know what your sexuality is deep down, look within. We can help a little but at the end of the day, you know the answer, you just need to clear your mind of clutter. You haven't mentioned much about attraction or desire to women or men. Have you worked yourself up to possibly thinking you're attracted to women, do you think? Because you've been thinking so much about it? I could be so so wrong, but i think you've obsessed so much over it that you cannot clarify the extent of your feelings for men or women anymore. You need to step back, accept feelings for men and women, and just really let yourself go day by day. Maybe note down your attractions.. Who you have strong connections with, if you have a desire to be with someone, who you check out down the street, or fantasize in the bedroom. Don't use porn as an indicator, people react to porn no matter what it is and no matter what sexuality they are, especially girls, lots of EC users who are lesbian can still get off to gay porn simply because sometimes it is more realistic than lesbian porn. I think once you stop over thinking and let yourself be and jot down the clues,you will start to notice the accurate pattern or real attraction. Remember though, there is a difference between finding someone "attractive" and just appreciating them in an aesthetic way (eg. "oh, he's cute, I like his hairstyle, OR she's beautiful, her body is perfect.") Unless you're asexual, sexual attraction is the DESIRE and URGE to be with someone, to want to kiss them, to touch them, to be near them and get to know them, look at them over and over again.. I hope this helps , let us know how you go!(&&&)
