Came here for answers, the worrying is constant. OCD about sexuality?

Hello,

I have a feeling this might get rambly, disjointed, apologies.

I'm 18, have the most beautiful girlfriend who means the world to me, and I'm pretty damn sure my attraction to her is real, what I want, more than anything in the world, is for it to be truly right that I'm with her, and I feel if I like ANY guy more than her, then it isn't right. For about a year now I have been getting more and more anxious about my sexuality. Now, I'm not at all going to jump the gun on HOCD, I wouldn't be here if I wanted to get to the bottom of this. But for as long as I can remember, I have had OCD, I have not been officially diagnosed, I have never wanted to seek help through fear of potential effects it could have with high profile jobs, and I have very big plans for my future. Though my 2nd Cousin, a psychiatric nurse, was absolutely adamant I had it the first time she had spoken to me in years.

That way of thinking I believe started when I was very young. I would imagine a square on a table in front of me, and place a coaster on the upper right corner of the square, to symbolise up for heaven, and right for the right hand of God. Now, I believed in God as a kid, though my family wasn't really religious at all. Only my Mother had a strong belief, and she hadn't even heard of the book of revelations. I have two gay uncles, my biological one sadly has passed away and it really does go against every ideological bone in my body that I am so worked up about the possibility of being Bisexual. Though really, it is the fear of being gay, more than anything, or preferring guys as logically, as i said, I really, really love girls.

So my first real OCD compulsion like so many was handwashing. For a good half of my life, possibly before hand, I have had the hands of an elderly man, (or Woman, as my girlfriend points out, I have small hands for a boy). This then took many forms through the years. Briefly, when I was about 8 or 9, there was a new kid in school and i swear down the first thought I got was that he was weird looking, kind of like a clown. Anyway, I truly feel there was no real truth behind this one, though I don't really know anything. I obsessively recited the fact that I had a crush on Michelle Tratchenburg (I loved Buffy, yes I was a kickass kid) and not him, over and over again, it was obsessive, it contained compulsions, it felt just the same as my handwashing. I then got similar fears that I fancied the ugliest girl in school, though that wasnt as anxiety ridden.

My second cousin also pointed out it's in the way I talk. I used the term might be or might not be to cover all possible ground in conversation when i was young, constantly, all the time, perhaps from trying to be honest all the time. I really don't want to self diagnose too much. But I do truly believe OCD is just part of me, its in the way I feel the need to cover all points in a conversation, its in the way I over analyse everything. From not knowing what to do when someone sits next to me, regardless of gender, i.e every single part of my body becomes ultra aware - I'm weird. The only person I'm truly physically comfortable with are my girlfriends at the time, even my family, I can hug them, but even then, I fear it will spark an anxious worry. I have had periods of worrying whether I find my mother, my father, hell even my tiny little cousins, I hope to god I'm not that much of a freak.

So that disappeared for a good long while, my obsessions went on to include, off the top of my head, not being able to accept my zipper was all the way up (generally struggling with the concept of zips). Also styling my hair for about 6 hours, (you know the messy emo-ish spiked up at the back look that is meant to be kind of messy, imagine doing that mathematically, that was kind of me, but again, i couldnt stop, i just carried on and on.
One other instance I can remember, there was this guy who looked like Golumn, like hideous, gay or straight, and he also wore the most disgusting and dirty looking underwear and I worried that I found him attractive as I found myself to keep glancing, though I felt nothing that would indicate homosexuality, or maybe I did, who knows, my memory isnt great on that one. I remember coming home and going mum, i did this, but I know I don't find it attractive.

I don't have many intrusive obsessions nowadays, I have a hand washing technique that works, I may repeat it sometimes once or twice but its contained. It genuinely feels like since I have been worrying about my sexuality that the OCD has sort of shifted its focus, regardless if thats true. All I know is the feelings I get, the things I do, they are exactly the same as my obsessive compulsive urges that I have had throughout my life, but does that really mean they aren't true?

It started when I saw a Katy Perry video, a guys naked ass, all alien like, covered in silver paint, and there was no arousal, I just questioned whether I found it attractive or not. Now, I can say this on my most anxiety ridden day, I prefer girls asses, I'm an Ass man. Ass, ass, ass, and I am VERY lucky to have a girl who is just my fantasy. This isn't meant to try to convince anyone either way, but rather to give all information as personally and accurately as possible. I apologize, in conversation I am even more sporadic. So I'm pretty sure I took no notice until an entertainment magazine pointed out the guys ass, if that helps. I then could not get the worries out of my head, and that is the first phrase that comes to my head, the worries, that's what I have always called them. I lay in bed, constantly trying to prove myself wrong, shaking and sweating in absolute agony when I couldn't. Again, no arousal, nothing of the sort, I freeze framed the clip, looking at it over and over again, trying to tell myself I didn't find it attractive. I have done the same with thinking over and over about my mother, did I do something inappropriate when I went near her or something along those lines, either way, its really hard to know what the truth is once this feeling takes hold.

So then it progressed, I got more worries, I couldn't tell myself I didn't find this guy attractive, one guy, it kinda zoomed in an became all obsessive about this one guy. No butterflies in the good sense that I have if any girl is even just nice to me. None of the child-like wonder. But yeah, that happened.

So it got worse and worse, I had a girlfriend the whole time and things sexually were good (I want my current girlfriend to read this so good will be the only adjective, don't take it as, hmm, things can be good but not great or anything like that). That was when my head was clear, when my head was clear I was perfect. When I have cleared my head from whatever I am obsessing about, I feel a certain degree of exstacy, like a huge weight has been lifted, it truly does feel like you are guilty of the worst crime imaginable when you have a looming "worry", whatever that may be. You almost begin to appreciate the wonder in every little thing, as OCD just numbs and puts a dampener on everything. So I kept getting these worries, never actually getting arousal, until I watched gay porn.

For years I watched softcore and solo girls. It wasn't anxiety that stopped me watching straight porn, I used to but I guess I just gradually stopped. I prefer girls in outfits, I have my fetishes when it comes to them and I rarely prefer fully naked girls, though sometimes I do, ala this morning: Boo Yah.

Then I got a crazy erection like I'd took viagra and climaxed straight away, despite the sights I was seeing certainly not looking particularly pleasant, let alone attractive. I then did it again, 10 minutes later, like I'd been drugged, again, not the same though. I know a lot of closeted guys must say the next part, but there was none of that kid in a candy shop mentality, that worship of the body, that amazing light feeling, this was something different and it wasn't pleasant. I've heard that a sudden release of Dopamine could be responsible when I was looking at the very taboo to my unexperienced eyes pornography, but again, I don't want to self diagnose. Something just didn't really feel right the more I did it, and the less the initial excitement effected me. I would sometimes get turned on in the anticipation of going on gay porn but now, if I go on a site, its purely to try and get answers, its business, not pleasure. Now, I can watch a gay porn video and get turned on by it, and its a very strange and unique feeling, certainly not as enjoyable but that doesn't mean its not what I prefer, I know. Alot of the time before that happens though, I will see a gay site and just go, "they're just guys". Guys just in general, they don't appeal to me, I don't like masculinity, there's a joke with my friends that I'm a Lesbian, and I'm happy to oblige. I love the vibe girls give off, it is innately attractive to me and I have never craved something more than a girls ass or legs - you get the picture, or so I'd like to think - see below.

(My idols include Brian Molko, David Bowie, Pete Wentz, Billy Corgan and Marilyn Manson, all have had androgynous images and its something I have always liked to relfect myself.)

So, with that revelation, I went down even more, and I wasn't a good boyfriend, I'd get constant worries and anxiety's and I'd freak out at the slightest bit of excitement after obsessive concentration. Now, this brings me to my current situation.

I started worrying about a certain guy, and it, like everything else has just escalated more and more. There seems to be something about the guys face that I can't say I don't find attractive to myself. Again, this is something I have done with things I know aren't true looking back. But unique to that guy, and when I see that guys face, or any celebrity whose facial features resemble him, I just can't shake this feeling. It makes me feel like I want to die, it drains the happiness out of everything. The OCD feeling is always strong so there are times when my girl looks good enough to eat and I'm just distant ( other times that isn't an issue and its full steam ahead). So I'd ( and did yesterday) constantly look at his pictures, staring at the face I just can't seem to say I don't find attractive. Why would it really matter if I did? I'm perfectly fine with admitting someone is an attractive man but this just went mental. To the point something reminds me and I instantly get this guilty feeling.

So the guy actually spoke to me and it caught me off guard so I stuttered and everything, but it really didn't feel like the awesome butterflies awkwardness I feel when courting a girl. So I'd be sitting with my ex, telling her my worries, when he was right by us, I have always been completely honest with her and with my current (and honestly, a gift from God) girlfriend. So when it isn't happening in the bedroom I will just come out and say what is going on in my head and she says she wouldn't mind if I were bi - but insists I'm not. The odd times I would talk to him, I would get constant anxiety and strange feelings down there (but no arousal), I know this sounds like an excuse, but if your hyper aware of your hand, you will get strange feelings in your hand- try it.

What made me feel horrible, was that when I looked over, compulsively, trying to sort my head out, he would look back in a way that made me feel, without any shed of happiness or even "this is wrong but good", that we were locking eyes, it made me feel sick and sweat and want to die. But hey, still here and congratu-fucking-lations if you are, this is a long post, and I can't stress how much I appreciate it!

Dude, then added me on Facebook, now blocked, I got paranoid he was Gay, though I'm pretty sure he wasn't, this made me fear, if its real on his side, how can it not be on mine. I'd compulsively, again not out of pleasure, masturbate to the thought of him. First few times, I was instantly able to just think "eww, absolutely not" and stop, but then I couldn't disprove it and I'd eventually orgasm. Now I'm at the point where I think about it and can't tell myself I don't find it attractive, getting turned on thinking about being with him and stripping, seeing the penis and that, not to the same degree as with a girl, I don't feel it as much, it isn't a pleasant experience and not something I do by choice, but I get there faster, even though the whole experience isn't a pleasant one and I don't feel connected with the subject material so to speak, like I do with any picture of a girl, something just kind of feels off. My mind kind of warps the image of this guy in my head too, it makes him more feminine and kind of takes away the things that I identify as masculine and unnattractive. When I think about the strange butterflies feeling, not a good one, I get turned on more, still not as enjoyable or as fulfilling (which seems like a good word to describe the disparity) as with girls.

Now, this obsession has been going since last September, I have obsessively looked at pictures, and at first they a lot of the time make me feel better, bring me back to reality possibly? But the more I stare, the more I obsess, the more I worry and feel gay. I have had gay dreams, where I have been in a relationship with guys and even this guy, and whilst I have been able to kiss them and stuff, it always just felt wrong, it just felt like it wasn't what I wanted and I had this weird indescribable feeling.

I am re-watching Arrested Development with my girlfriend and Buster and Lucille 2's relationship made me feel the same way, I put myself in Busters shoes and it gave me that exact same feeling that its just not what I want.

But back in the waking world, I'm screwed more than ever, there are worries I get about aesthetic attraction versus sexual attraction. Sometimes it seems guys are better because they are more physically impressive where as with girls, attractive is much more subjective, to me anyway, I have certain kinks, turn ons and a whole, well established straight sexuality. The gay thoughts are nowhere near this level of complexity and often only cause anxiety and not arousal, I have said everything, some things many times, but I thought writing as honestly and personally, a stream of thoughts as possible the best policy.

I've never been afraid of having gay tendencies, I take pride in styling my girlfriend (I get to enjoy it later, (i like outfits) and I have an encyclopedic knowledge of TV that would make Abed Nadir proud.

Other things I missed out

- I lost my virginity at 14, was in love and in a loving relationship for 3 years after that.

- When dumped, I was suicidal, could barely breath for months, not proud of that part of my life.

-Sometimes hit myself in the head, have broken down crying out of the frustration, second one probably kind of obvious.

- Been with my girlfriend and the person who I want to spend the rest of my life with, writing that and the thought of her puts a smile on my face, since Febuary '12, she is everything I could ever want in a girl. She already dresses in my fantasy way and we are VERY adventurous. Well, for two too-awkward-to-dance types anyway!

Finally, I have a strong interest in gay rights, I read a post from someone who was fully out that they did too, but I'm just covering all bases, I can derive logically that some people can just find this an interesting topic. I am a political person, socially liberal to the nth degree but I also don't want to make up excuses.

I hope someone has some wise words or questions for me, whatever they may be, thank you so much, despite my slightly chirpy tone at times, I'm at my wits end.

 

Hello,

Thank you very much for the reply, what you said about OCD could definitely really help, regardless of if there's truth to them or not. Everything really is good with my girl other than when I have these thoughts, it's kind of like it blocks and numbs down everything, but then there are other times when it's fantastic and I always know what I'm looking at is incredible and it's like, come on, look at what's right in front of you! Girls are these wondrous, amazing entities, guys are just, guys Also, about the gay porn thing, I'm not even sure if I like it, I mean it got me off the first few times but after the novelty wore off I really didn't enjoy it at all and now have absolutely no urge to look at it, despite getting the urge to look at solo girl porn at least once a day. I can easily get turned on by it, though its not fulfilling and I know what I'm looking at isn't a very nice sight, also I never get there always these feelings missing that are there with a girl, opinions?

Indeed the thoughts obviously bother me, though this goes against everything I believe in, which makes me feel like a bad person. But I hate the thought of being a straight guy in denial and I think I obsess over that amongst may other things, at the moment it seems like this obsession is one in a long line of manifestations.

Nontheless, thank you so much, I came here for proper opinions and answers, not reinforcement from people who are in denial!

 

Thanks for the replies, I already replied to the first post but it didnt show up I don't think, thank you so much for the replies and opinions. I don't really watch gay porn, and never get the urge to do so, when I do it is part of a compulsion. But also when I do I get these strange feelings sometimes, other the times it's just not attractive at all, other times I get a strange feeling, might be because its taboo, might not, but there is something missing compared to when I think about girls, and when I look at girls I just want to. I know for a fact I'm not gay, but I could be bi. Again, I can't stress enough how much it goes against everything I believe in, this anxiety over my sexuality, and I am just as anxious at the thought of being closeted, more so in fact. I must say though that I really can't see myself being with a guy, I can get turned on by gay porn yes and get that strange feeling but it's very one dimensional and I don't like the thought of kissing a guy and I have never got any romantic feelings or the good butterflies feeling I get with every single girl that's even nice to me. When I think of guys, they are just guys, girls are this mysterious wondrous entity. I'm trying to be as honest as possible, I really am, I posted here so that I wouldn't be met with responses of people trying to lie to themselves so I really appreciate your honesty!

 

So would you guys say these feelings were definitely real, despite the fact I only ever think of guys obsessively and not for my own enjoyment?

 

No problem, thanks for reading and responding, as many opinions possible is best because I really want to be truthful about myself. There is debate here about HOCD existing and I know a lot of that stems from people getting it spontaneously without prior OCD symptoms. If it does exist, I am a prime candidate for it having had OCD for as long as I remember but there still could be something truthful to whatever I am obsessing about. I think, either way, that one has to be comfortable with these thoughts anyway, just like I have to become comfortable with general non-physical interaction with people who aren't my girlfriend. I know I have an amazing person in my life who brings me so much happiness in every way (including sexually) regardless, and nothing can change that!

 

It certainly is interesting, and though I have became aroused I can say I have never really enjoyed it and there is something missing compared to with girls. Maybe that means I have HOCD and I'm a little bit bi, maybe not, I think the best thing to do would be to try and become comfortable with that reality regardless, would you agree?

 

Thanks a lot for all the replies, my worries really fluctuate and I can feel like I have no doubts in my head and I know I'm just straight (I have an answer) and that's what stops me from seeking professional help, clearing my head is always round the corner, but it's not a good way to live.

 

A fascinating thread, I must say. The idea of a specific category of HOCD is news to me.

My advice above all to get yourself into therapy. And don't self-diagnose on the basis of something your second cousin said. I'm sure she's smart, and she may very well be right, but she's not someone who is seeing you in a clinical situation. That makes a difference.

 

Thanks for reading and responding. I forgot to mention that my second cousin is a psychiatric nurse with 25 years of experience, but I wasn't just basing my assumption on that anyway, my hands are red raw and have been for a decade now, etc etc. But I see your point, its still not a clinical situation.

May I ask what you mean by a specific category?

 

Hey, sorry, but could you clarify what you mean by it not seeming that way from my post? I get very paranoid about everything in my life and I can never let anything go, regardless of the truth, I genuinely can't cope with being unsure. Could you tell me what you mean? I love my girl so much and it scares me that it might not be right that I'm with her, I honestly think that's what I'm afraid of more than anything, I want to be with her forever and our sex life is great and very fulfilling but I'm just in this depressive state a lot and it numbs me sexually, as I said I never get urges to do it to guys. Only to try and clear my head, to get an answer.

I feel kind of sick right now because I tried searching for answers and I just tried and some of the images actually repulsed me but then when I do it I can get there, I don't enjoy it at all but sometimes I get this really weird unique feeling only to guys, its still not as good as like girls but I get worries that means something? I'm a confused, anxious mess right now, anyone?

 

Thank you for your very honest and to the point reply, I do think that posting here and seeing the differences in the responses my post has generated compared to other people that are confused does show I really do need help. Even now I feel the need to point out the fact I have other obsessions and compulsions but I know that's not your point. To everyone who saw my last post, I apologize, I was in a moment of doom and was sort of crying out for help. Besides, my problems possibly aren't even suitable for this forum. My thought process now is analyzing everything the posts say, for example by putting "curing" YOU, does that guy think I'm gay? This gives me a feeling of doom, every single time, its irrational, its ridiculous and its damn right insulting to all you awesome people who are gay or bi which there is absolutely nothing wrong with being. I know that and yet I still drive myself crazy. Apologies for the train wreck of a thread, and thank you to all of you, sincerely. I think I will take that help my family have asked me to so many times. My brother was and still is effected by a major mental illness, my other brother and especially my father live with constant depression, because I'd had OCD from such a young age I thought I was immune to needing help, that I could beat it on my own because OCD is just a part of my make up. I was wrong, I really do need help, I see that now. Thank you, all of you.

 

Thanks man, I really do appreciate it! If I do turn out to be bi or even gay (which would be a whole other story as I've never, through any of this lost my attraction to girls), I will certainly try and help others who are in similar situations, as in that scenario I'd have a whole lot of insight. Thank you to everyone once again, this has helped me a lot in the way that it truly has been the push I need to seek help. Perhaps I will see this site again, perhaps not!