Hey all, I am new to this site and just wanted to say hello to everyone. While I have visited this site before seeking peace, this is the first time that I have actually become a member. Now, to the part where I seek guidance. WARNING: this will be quite a long post, as I would really like to receive some clarity and I feel I can only do so by being very precise. But please, I put a lot of effort into this, so stay with me. I am a 22 year old male that has been struggling with confusion regarding my sexual orientation for approximately two years now. And honestly, when I say confusion, it is a recurrent, but only periodic unsettling feeling that I am gay. To offer some personal history to give perspective, my earliest sexual memories are that of women. Both my earliest grade-school crushes and fantasies entailed women. It wasn't until about the age of twelve that I realized my attraction for men. At first, this was a very unsettling feeling for me and one that I initially struggled with. However, my attraction for women was always equally strong, and thus I was always able to minimize the impact of these thoughts on my psyche. As, I hit high-school age, I had definitely come to terms with my same sex attraction, but again, my strong sexual interest in women remained and thus, I could continue to push homosexual thoughts into the back of my mind. When I would masturbate, it was almost always to same sex scenes, whether it be gay or lesbian. Again, this proved reassuring as I never doubted my attraction for the opposite sex and felt I could always inhibit my homosexual desires. Anyways, it was never really hard for me as I truly identified as nothing but straight, and never actually had a crush on a male. While there were certainly ones in my grades that I was attracted to, my attraction to them would diminish drastically upon my getting to know them. This is a characteristic that remains even to this day. Further, being straight was definitely an identity I was more comfortable identifying with as I truly am a stereotypical male. I was high school athlete, love sports, all my friends are males, have no fashion sense lol, etc. When I was in the 9th grade I had what I would call my only actual homosexual encounter. A friend of mine was over for a sleepover and at one point he teasingly grabbed at my midsection. It was very arousing to me and so I played back. Ultimately, I ended up feeling on him for a bit but that was all, and nothing more ever became of it. We remained friends with no further 'incidents', until later in high school when we just kind of fell apart, like many friends do. Further, when I was 17 I got my first 'real' girlfriend. It was to her that I lost my virginity. I don't really remember what I thought about it now, but I know that in the initial stages of our relationship, we had sex very often. I would end up dating this same girl for 1.5 years, into the beginning of my sophomore year of college. Throughout our relationship we would have sex, but I do remember eventually not enjoying it as much as I thought I should. Most often I blamed her, as she was not a very sexual person, and not a very active participant. In many cases, I felt she was only having sex with me because I wanted it, and because I had initiated it, a fact that I eventually came to loath. I also eventually came to loath her in many ways. Though we would almost never fight, I kept a lot of things that she did that bothered me bottled in so as not to 'rock the boat' so to speak. There were many times when I would think very bad thoughts about her, especially in instances when she didn't keep her appearance. Anyways, we broke up mostly because I had grown tired of her, and she had grown tired of my lack of emotional support (In addition to our problems, it was a long distance relationship). From that point on, I lived a typical straight college male life. I went out with friends frequently, got extremely drunk, and tried to land just about any girl that I could. Sometimes these attempts were successful, but most of the time not at all. It was at this time that I placed nearly all of my happiness in these successful nights. When I got laid, I felt validated, good-looking, charming, etc. When I didn't, I felt like a loser. All the while, I masturbated frequently still mostly to same sex porn (lesbian or gay). This lifestyle continued until one strange day. I had smoked weed with a friend and while very high, I was suddenly overcome with a conviction that I was exclusively gay. The whole time that I was high I could not shake this conviction, and thoughts kept coming to me that reassured this notion. Since that day, I have never been able to wholly shake this conviction. It has been the source of countless days of depression. In retrospect, the day was most entirely brought on by the fact that by this point, masturbation had definitely become a habit, and in the months leading up to this day, I did almost exclusively to gay porn. For about the next year after that unsettling day, my womanizing became even more desperate. Only now, it was mostly to convince myself that I still could have sex with women. And I did, with many. And in many instances, an incredible number of times in one night (I think seven times was the record). To this day, its hard to say how much I enjoyed it though. My anxiety over my sexuality unquestionably clouds my judgement, and in my bouts of depression, I become convinced I never did, and that it was only part of an attempt to trick myself. But still, with the exception of only one or two drunken incidents, I never had a problem getting aroused and finishing the job. In addition, many of these girls ironically would boast to me how they had never gotten it like that (especially the seven times in one night girl lol). Still, the periodic depression, and homosexual urges never ceased. At times I questioned my sanity and pondered suicide (though these thoughts were never close to being actualized). In this time, I never felt anything for these girls emotionally. But quite honestly, I never really tried to either. Most of these girls had definitely been around the block and I took them for what they were. However, all of this changed when I met the girl who I am currently with. We started as friends and became good friends, hanging out regularly for a couple months. In this time, there were days when I definitely felt like I liked her like I had never liked any girl. She made me laugh, she was smart, and she was beautiful. I remember thinking to myself that liking this girl feels so selfless. I still dunno why I thought that, but I like it. Still, the bouts of depression over my sexuality had not ceased, and would periodically lead me again to thoughts that completely invalidated how I felt about her. But one night, after months of being friends me and this girl embraced in a long-coming kiss. I remember being very aroused by her, but I did not dare make a move because I did not want to move too fast. From that time (last October) until now we have been dating. Today, I can say with certainty that this is the first girl that I ever loved. But in the initial stages of our relationship the bouts of depression continued. Only now, they would often be even more intense, as her presence complicated the matter. Most notably in a couple of incidences where my anxiety would prevent me from achieving erection. In these times I would ask myself, if I am feeling this way even while being with this wonderful girl who I truly care so much about, how can they not be true? At times these thoughts would bring me to the brink of panic attacks. The only thing that ultimately got me through these periods was my love for her. Its kind of funny, because my anxiety was almost exclusively brought on by fears that I was not attracted to her and could not perform with her. But I never questioned my love and care for her, and it was these feelings that would normally bring me out of these funks. When I felt good we would have great sex. The best and most passionate that I have ever had. Still, throughout the relationship I have continued to masturbate to gay porn, though not exclusively. It definitely turns me on greatly. This brings me to where I am today. I am still in a relationship with this girl, however it is definitely not the same as it was. Its weird because in these past couple of months, the bouts of depression have seriously diminished, even though our relationship has begun to suffer. Now, we fight and we fight often. I have been very mean to her and at times project negative thoughts on her like I did with my old girlfriend. I feel I have begun to loath her too. But she too can be very mean, and has said some very bad and hateful things to me. I don't feel like I love her any more, which brings me to my current dilemma: These thoughts lead me to invalidate everything that we have had, and makes me feel like I have truly been gay all along. Though our sex life has not suffered whatsoever (on the contrary it has definitely improved) I continue to masturbate quite frequently to gay porn (again not exclusively), and it remains to turn me on a whole lot. This fact brings on much guilt, and in periods of anxiety it brings me to think that I invent problems with our relationship simply because I am gay. I blame the collapse of the relationship solely on my homosexual desire and at this point I am beginning to fear that I cannot maintain a healthy relationship with any girl because of it. Though I still do not feel any real romantic attraction to men, my strong sexual attraction is undeniable. The fear that I am gay is an incessant. It is the bane of my life, and the one thing in my life that can bring me to depression. I want to thank you so much if you have made it this far. Please offer your help for me to resolve this constant struggle from within. Any advice, thoughts, etc. is most greatly appreciated. Help me free my mind, bring me peace, and I will be eternally grateful. Much love to everyone, Needpeace50
I find your comment about weed really interesting. One of the things I point to when I discuss the factors that led me to call myself gay, I always mention that when I got high, I had extremely strong homosexual desires. It just relaxed me, brought down the defenses, and allowed me to accept my homosexuality. There was a period when smoking a little weed and masturbating to gay porn became a pretty standard evening for me. And yet I managed to deny for years that I was gay, and I'd remind myself of girlfriends I had liked and other women I had slept with as well as one I eventually married. My feelings for them were genuine, and I liked the sex by and large, but it never matched my homosexual fantasies, whether with or without porn. And it has taken a long time to acknowledge that the weed was telling the truth. I'd say stop worrying about being gay and just BE GAY, because that's what I think you are. Don't get depressed, lot's of us are gay and leading pretty happy lives. It may not be who you thought you were, but life is full of mysteries and surprises. Seriously, I think that if you stop fighting it, look in the mirror and say "I'm gay," you'll be starting down the road to recovery. Cheers.
Thank you very much for reading and offering your advice. While I am not sure I am at that point just yet, it is still comforting to hear your perspective. Thanks again.
Hello needpeace50! I can definitely related to your fears and anxieties, as well as trying to push a part of myself as far back into my mind as possible. Its a horrible feeling and I am sorry that you're going through this. My only advice is to not fear being gay or bi. There really is nothing to fear in being yourself. In fact, its way scarier to live a lie or in a state of uncertainty. Also, you have no reason to feel guilty for any feelings that you have. You haven't done anything wrong. Some people are heteroromantic bisexual; you don't have a romantic attraction to men, but you have a sexual attraction to them. Maybe taking a break from your relationship for a bit would help give you time to work on these feelings without worrying that you are sabotaging the relationship (which I personally doubt is the case) or feeling like you need to choose between exploring this part of you and making someone else happy. This is just a suggestion; only you know what's the right thing to do in this case. I look forward to hearing how things go for you. Thank you for feeling comfortable sharing your story.
Thank you for your reply, Nikom. At this point the relationship is certainly on the rocks. As it was getting to this point, I attributed my frustrations to the fact that I am taken for granted, and the fact that she refuses to communicate with me on certain issues and instead says hateful things. However, at this very moment, and what brings me to this site is I again find that I am in a period of questioning my orientation and am feeling guilt for my strong same sex attraction. This leads me to invalidate my old justifications for the relationship's demise and instead, I lay the blame on myself and the possibility that I could be gay. You mentioned the prospect of heteroromantic bisexuality, and this is a term I have never heard. I dunno if this is what I am, but it seems a possibility. As mentioned in the original post, I would say that I have never once had a crush on a male. Now, I don't know if this is because I repress these thoughts, because I am caught up in a straight identity, or because I genuinely cannot be attracted to a man in that way. Further, the thought of actually being with a man romantically is a theoretical odyssey to me, and I feel the tug-of-war in my mind at once telling me there's no way I would ever feel comfortable in a same-sex relationship, and in other instances telling me I only feel this way because I have never really considered it a possibility. Anyways, thanks again for your reply.
Hi, and welcome. First, I'm going to advise you strongly to avoid getting stuck up in terms like "heteroromantic bisexuality" because for the most part, and for most people, all they do is further complicate coming to a complete understanding about yourself. (This, by the way, is my personal opinion, based on practical knowledge from working with a lot of people with confusion. It's not the "politically correct" response.) As others have said, he most important piece to get a handle on first is to separate your fears from the reality. Easier said than done, obviously. Without that, we can't tell if the behaviors you've had with your girlfriends are genuine sexual attraction, or a desperate attempt, both at the conscious and unconscious level to prove to yourself that you aren't gay. So what it boils down to... and this may not be easy to tease out, given the fears and the possibility of behaviors to convince yourself... is where do your real, honest, authentic attractions lie. One of the ways that one of our other advisors suggests approaching this is to pick a day, and for that day (and maybe the next day or two) just pretend that you've accepted that you're gay. Go out and look at guys on the street, at the beach, at the mall, or wherever. See what you notice, what you appreciate (or don't). Watch some gay porn and try masturbating to it (and don't cheat by watching porn of 70 year old guys or something unless you happen to be into that... lol...) Masturbate without porn, and let yourself fantasize about being with a guy and see what it's like. Then, at the end of a day or two doing that, switch it up, and do exactly the same thing thinking about girls... go out and make a conscious effort to notice them, see where your eyes go when looking at them, what sort of attraction you feel. Watch some lesbian porn (95% of lesbian porn is made for straight men)... that way you can't fool yourself by watching straight porn and paying attention to the guys. Masturbate to the porn... and then do the same without porn. For most people, once they go through that exercise, the answer is usually pretty clear. There's usually one or the other that creates a much, much stronger sense of arousal. Keep in mind that you may feel revulsion and disgust at the gay porn; usually, but not always, this is part of the unconscious fear you might be gay coming up. But if you are aroused by it, even if there's revulsion... then you have attraction to guys. Most straight guys have a mild sense of "ew" but not a strong revulsion, it's more like "Meh, this is boring and doesn't do anything for me." The real challenge is looking honestly at what happens when you do this experiment, so that, if you find attraction to guys, you don't try to rationalize or justify to prove to yourself there's some explanation why the seeming gay tendencies aren't real. And of course, you could be somewhere in the middle with genuine attraction to guys and girls. But my guess is, when the dust settles, you'll more likely find yourself leaning toward one end of the spectrum or the other. IF you want to try the above and then talk about what happens for you, we may be able to shed more light on it.
Thank you for your response, Chip. While I do appreciate what you are saying, I feel that using masturbation as a means to discover my true attraction would not be helpful in my case at all. To explain, I can already tell you that I certainly do possess a genuine attraction for both genders in the realm of masturbation. It really depends on the mood that I am in, but when I am relaxed and not anxious, I can easily masturbate to both lesbian and gay porn alike. And while it is true that gay porn probably turns me on on a more consistent basis, my moods definitely fluctuate and their are certainly times that I crave watching lesbian porn. I very rarely watch straight porn, but when I do, the woman is always the focal point of my attention. Honestly, my concern is the days when I feel like I can't be turned on at all by a woman. These are the unfortunate depressive days when I try to force feed myself straight porn, thoughts, etc. due to my anxieties about being exclusively gay. The same is true in instances where I've slept with women. There have certainly been times when I am am so wrapped up in my anxieties that the sex becomes a means of proving to myself that I am not gay. However, there have also been many times when these thoughts are a million miles away and I am to focus my full attention on the woman I am with. The latter are the enjoyable times. Again, I would say my biggest issue is coping with myself on the days when I feel virtually no attraction to women. My dilemma here is that I am unable to clarify to myself whether these days are result of me being gay, which leads to the anxiety or the fact that I get very anxious about the thought, and thus lose all attraction for women because my mind is consumed.
