Before I start, I'd just like to say that I'm struggling between knowing if I'm gay or bi, and it's just hard to tell. I guess liking guys is so embedded in my brain I don't know if that's how I actually feel, or how I think I'm supposed to. I'll try to tell my story a little, but I don't want to keep it too long. Anyway, about 3 years ago, towards the end of 8th grade, I thought I had feelings for a guy, which persisted for many months. One of my best friends at the time ended up going out with him, and I remember I was really upset. Then, I met this other guy. We went out for a few weeks and then we broke up. About two years ago, at the end of 9th grade, I started to have attraction to the same girl who went out with the guy I had liked before, just around June. I went off to camp that summer, and met a girl who I did start liking, but when I returned home I got over that. 2 months after my initial feelings, I came out to the same girl who I had feelings for. (as being bi) Now when I started school sophomore year, I met a girl. Well, not really met, I had known her in 8th grade, but we really started to become friends. Before I knew it, around the end of September, I knew I had feelings for her. We grew closer and closer, and as our friendship grew, so did my feelings for her. I loved spending time with her, and the way she could make me feel, even with just a smile. No guy has ever made me feel like that. I came out to her as well. Now while this girl made me feel incredibly happy, I also got really sad when I wasn't with her. A few days of the school year she was sick or missed class, and I was miserable. We hung out sometimes outside of school too, so I was always upset when she couldn't. The school year came to a close, and with both of us having busy summers, we didn't get to spend any time together. I also came out to 4 other friends during that school year. So when I started this year, I was unsure how I felt. We didn't have any classes together last semester, so I rarely got to see her. Our friendship had faded, and I knew that the feelings had too. Last October, I told her that I had had strong feelings for her, and she told me that it was ok, and I felt a lot better about it. Around that same time, there were about 3 different girls that I had crushes on. I knew they were all straight, I guess it was just something to occupy my mind. Nothing really lasted. Towards the end of the calendar year, when my high school was performing the winter play, I met another girl. She was really nice and I liked spending time with her, and I grew to like her too. Our show ended, so I thought that was the end of that. But it wasn't. She was on build crew for the musical, and so I got to see her every week. I knew I still had feelings for her, so this is where it gets complicated. When the new semester started, I had 3 classes with the girl who I had liked the year before. We ended up being friends again, and we're still friends now. Back in January I went to a concert where I met a guy, who was really sweet and nice, and he ended up living about 30 minutes from me. He got my number, and we texted everyday for weeks. We went on a date in February, and it went really well. Meanwhile, the musical was going into tech week, which meant spending 3 hours everyday for 2 weeks with the girl I had feelings for. It was undeniable, but yet I didn't break up with the guy. The show came around, and on the 3rd night, my boyfriend came to see it. He asked me to meet him, and I broke up with him. So the musical was over, and so was my relationship. But our band concert had also just taken place, which basically made band a free period. I found myself spending a lot of time with the girl, and I really enjoyed it. The track season was also starting, and I was excited about that. There was a guy on the team who had been in stage crew, so I knew him a little. We talked, and had a lot of fun together. At the beginning of April, he asked me out. I didn't really think I had feelings for him, but I said yes anyway. It was nice to have someone I could cuddle with and kiss, but I never really felt it. Today we broke up. So I'm just really confused about what's going on. I think I still like this other girl, we still talk and we text a lot now too. But I'm just not sure how I feel.
Are you a butterfly, not wasting too much time with individual blossoms? “They do not feel that they know what to do or how to make choices that will be beneficial to themselves and others. Sevens cope with this anxiety in two ways. First, they try to keep their minds busy all of the time. As long as Sevens can keep their minds occupied, especially with projects and positive ideas for the future, they can, to some extent, keep anxiety and negative feelings out of conscious awareness. Likewise, since their thinking is stimulated by activity, Sevens are compelled to stay on the go, moving from one experience to the next, searching for more stimulation. This is not to say that Sevens are "spinning their wheels." They generally enjoy being practical and getting things done. Second, Sevens cope with the loss of Essential guidance by using the “trial and error” method: they try everything to make sure they know what is best. On a very deep level, Sevens do not feel that they can find what they really want in life. They therefore tend to try everything—and ultimately may even resort to anything as a substitute for what they are really looking for. (“If I can’t have what will really satisfy me, I’ll enjoy myself anyway. I’ll have all kinds of experiences—that way I will not feel bad about not getting what I really want.”) We can see this in action even in the most trivial areas of their daily lives. Unable to decide whether he wants vanilla, chocolate, or strawberry ice cream, a Seven will want all three flavors—just to be sure that he does not miss out on the “right” choice. Having two weeks for a vacation and a desire to visit Europe brings a similar quandary. Which countries and cities to visit? Which sites to see? The Seven’s way of dealing with this will be to cram as many different countries, cities, and attractions into his vacation as possible. While they are scrambling after exciting experiences, the real object of their heart’s desire (their personal Rosebud, as it were) may be so deeply buried in their unconscious that they are never really aware of precisely what it is. Furthermore, as Sevens speed up their pursuit of whatever seems to offer freedom and satisfaction, they tend to make worse choices, and they are less able to be satisfied because everything is experienced indirectly, through the dense filter of their fast-paced mental activity. The result is that Sevens end up anxious, frustrated, and enraged, with fewer resources available to them physically, emotionally, or financially. They may end up ruining their health, their relationships, and their finances in their search for happiness.” 7 - Enneagram Type Seven: The Enthusiast I think you are more interested in girls now. The GAY label can help you to reduce your choices and focus on starting a 'serious relationship' with deeper emotional bonds - it seems that you are a bit disconnected from your feelings. Get in touch with them! Then ask yourself what YOU REALLY WANT and go for it, whatever it is. :icon_wink
Yea, I agree with most of what you said. I guess after what happened with the girl last year, I'm just worried about getting my hear broken again.. Plus I've never really been the type of person to express a lot of emotion, it's just not who I am.
