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Im turning

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by yoggapso, May 5, 2013.

  1. yoggapso

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    I have always identified as straight. Ever since i started watching porn when i was like 10-12 years old, it has always been straight porn. There are both naked men and women in those videos, and never did i focus on the guy, but it was the girl who turned me on. Emotionally, i have never had a crush on a guy, only on girls.


    HOWEVER, throughout my life i have had gay tendencies. An example of this would be when i was like 9 or 10 years old, me and a guy friend realized we got aroused by humping on eachother(we did it until we reached orgasm). But it was a thing that we did like maybe 3-4 times i guess and nothing that evolved. Also when i have been masturbating, the thought if sucking a penis(mine) has struck me sometimes(even if its impossible ofc) but quite quickly did i "think it away", basically what i mean about this is that the thought did not disgusted me wich is the reason i mentioned it as gay tendency.


    Anyways, hell started for me little over a year ago when i met this girl and we tried to have sex and i could not get erection( i had never had sex before). Since then i have been in deep depression because of the fear of being gay.


    Its a very long story and describing all of it would probably make it easier for you guys to judge where i lean sexually. But since that moment, i have been questioning my sexuality every single day(literally) in terms of fantasying about sex with guys just to see if i get aroused(this is very important, i have ONLY been fantasying about men to see if a get aroused or not, and not because i wanted so). This has evolved and i now can get aroused quite easy be fantasying about guys while in the beginning of my depression it was very hard. This has put me in deep depression and i dont know what to do anymore...


    And ALSO, whenever im happy(wich basically means getting it confirmed that im not gay) i lean very much to the straight side and have a very easy time falling for girls both emotionally and physically, while when im depressed i tend to lean to the gay side. You are probably thinking its wishful thinking but im telling the truth.


    What stops me from getting over it is my previous experiences, in other words my gay fantasies where i got aroused. I keep getting flashbacks of them and they completely destroys my day within a second. And i dont even know why im writing this since none of the answers i might get will stop this hell but i still feel i have to talk. I been thinking of contacting a therapist but i feel i will only go deeper down the road if i do so... thats why im considering some kind of memory loss, because thats my problem, i know to much.



    Its hard to describe my situation but as a rule im depressed for about 2 weeks and then happy for about 3-4days(if im lucky) and thats how it has been the last 13-14months.

    and i also fit the statics, i have two older brothers and also bad relationship with my father(well now its good, but most of my life it was bad)

    sorry for the long text
     
  2. BudderMC

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    If you do like and have always liked guys and can't get sexually aroused with girls, you're probably gay.

    Just as an aside, certain emotions (like happiness and anger) cause us to use more cognitive shortcuts - basically thinking less hard about the world around us - in order to maintain our current emotion. Other emotions (like sadness) cause us to to use less cognitive shortcuts. This might explain a bit why you don't feel "gay" when you're happy, because your mind chooses to ignore those thoughts, but when you're sad, your mind can't ignore them as readily.

    A therapist isn't there to make you happier - a therapist is there to help you discuss/work through your issues (leading you to answers), which will hopefully make you happier in the process (if nothing beyond being less stressed out).

    If you've ever heard the phrase "don't bottle up your feelings", that's exactly what therapists are for. They'll sit and listen to your problems like anyone else would, the bonus is that they can probably give you advice on your situation as well.

    Trying to forget/ignore your "gay urges" hasn't been working so far - what makes you think that trying even harder will work even better?
     
  3. yoggapso

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    Where did i mentioned this? i have never liked guys, looking at guy sexually ONLY started after i tried to have sex with that girl.


    Thing is that when i am happy, i can even think about my previous gay experiences(fantasies) wich had put be in very deep depression - without getting affected by it.
     
  4. BudderMC

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    Um, here? I might have broken it down into too simple terms, but you do express some sort of desire for male contact = "liking guys", as I put it.

    You can't get depressed about anything else, ever? It's not the case that happiness exists until something knocks you off of "cloud nine", emotions settle eventually. You don't need to "get depressed" about something to stop being happy.
     
  5. yoggapso

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    Yes, but you make it sound as if im more into guys than girls. Im telling you that throughout my whole life girls interested me emotionally and physically. But while being aroused i have had some gay tendencies before.



    Ofc i get depressed about other things. The biggest reason why being possibly gay make me depressed is because i have already been sticking out in different ways, and sticking out with sexuallity aswell is not something i can handle, in that case life can go to hell. Another reason is because this has never been an issue for me, i have never questioned my sexuality before, not even when i had those tendencies. Its something new for me that im not used to, i am turning, and i dont like the new me.
     
  6. BudderMC

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    Well, there's a few things to consider here. The first is that sexuality doesn't usually "change" drastically over time - so it isn't the case that you woke up one day and was like "oh, I might like guys", it's more likely the case that one day you woke up and your mind let you have that thought, rather than repressing it (due to societal norms or whatever).

    The second is that you might want to stop referring to it as "turning". You're not a zombie, you aren't diseased, this isn't the end of the world (if you end up being not straight), and it certainly doesn't have to be a handicap of any sort. I'm not saying you are or aren't gay/bi/whatever, but starting to adopt the mindset that gay/bi =/= bad is probably beneficial in more aspects of your life than just this.

    If you like girls emotionally but not guys, it could mean quite a few things. Maybe you're heteroromantic (i.e. straight romantically, but not sexually). Maybe it's the case you've repressed the idea of having romantic thoughts for the same sex. There's no real way for any of us to answer that. What we (you, I, and anyone reading this) knows is that you have some degree of sexual attraction (likely) towards guys and it's confusing you.

    This is where a therapist comes in handy - you'll be able to have a much more detailed interaction with them than any of us and can reflect more on both your past and current events. They'll be able to make note of otherwise seemingly insignificant things and differentiate between your sexuality and anything else that may be depressing you. While it might be a scary thought, you have nothing to lose by going to see a therapist.
     
  7. June Cleaver

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    I read these type posts and scratch my head! If you turn out gay or bi what is the big deal? God made you the way you are naturally and that is right for you. I find sex with men extremely pleasing! What's better than that is the relationship with one... I am glad I accepted myself as female no matter what people told me or the reflection in the mirror. The public may not like it, but screw them! I am going to live happily ever after and not worry what people think. Is what others think that really freaks you out? Or is it you must be less of a man? I think the real question is why does this bother you so much? Maybe when you answer that it will help you accept who and what you are. Just a thought! June
     
    #7 June Cleaver, May 5, 2013
    Last edited: May 5, 2013
  8. I do read far too many posts like this and it confuses me how everyone has such a hard time just with one word. You don't need to decide to be gay or to be straight. Instead, just be. Maybe you can make a decision later on in life when it does seem more obvious. For now, go out with who is appealing to you, do what you want sexually.

    I can tell you with 100% confidence that you are not gay. Neither are you straight. There is nobody on this planet that can be defined with such simple terms, so why are you trying to do so? I'm actually quite offended when people assume I'm gay just because I have a boyfriend.