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Felt so wrong.... (slightly tmi)

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by sillyolme, May 5, 2013.

  1. sillyolme

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    Okay, so I just came home from my friend's house and feel terrible.

    Went round his house and once everyone else left, we started making out (We used to go out and more recently were fwb.) That wasn't the issue, I seemed to be fine with kissing him. However, he then started to finger me. At first, it was alright, I guess. But, it then progressed and I started to feel like I didn't want that, that it felt wrong and even a bit guilty. I let it go on, because I felt I didn't have the strength to say no but then pulled away feeling terrible. I felt like crying as I was going home.

    I have no idea what this was all about, but definitely don't want it happening again. It's not the fact that I'm not attracted to him, because I never have been but I enjoyed it before with the fwb lasting for a few weeks that stopped because I felt it would be unfair for him, given my homosexuality?/asexual? (I told him that I am gay. I definitely seem to like girls better than guys, but dont know if it is sexual or not)

    Is it possible to become more gay/asexual once you have realised it/accepted it

    This is seriously stressing me out.
     
  2. FemCasanova

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    *Hugs*

    I am sorry to read that this experience was so difficult for you. The first sexual experiences often are though, and you might simply not have been ready yet. It doesn`t have to mean that you are asexual or a lesbian. However, if you don`t get attracted to guys at all, then it might simply not be the right gender for you. Give it some time, and try not to stress out about it. It might be good for you to avoid similar situations or situations that could lead to sexual activities in the future though, at least until you feel more confident so that you can say no if someone walks over your limits. Sex is never good if we`re not comfortable with what we are doing, regardless of orientation.

    I don`t think you can become more gay/asexual just because you accept it, but it may feel that way if it is suppressed due to the person either denying it or simply not being aware of it on beforehand, and then coming to terms with it, because then you take it all in, instead of pushing it back into the dark corners of your mind. So, it might very well feel that way.

    And sorry for the late reply, don`t be discouraged, we`re here for you!
     
  3. sillyolme

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    Omg, I am so happy someone actually replied to this :slight_smile: Kinda gave up hope that anyone would.

    I dunno, since year 7, I've had to stop myself looking at girls, but never really linked it to attraction, I just thought everyone did it. When I realised that this wasnt the case, I started not making eye contact in the P.E changing rooms (Thankfully, don't have P.E anymore) and I can look at a girl and say how pretty/cute they are, but that never seems to happen with guys and if it did, it felt like I was just pretending to like them.

    In regards to the sexual side, I used to do it all the time with guys (even though, when in relationships, I didn't really deem it as necessary and felt it could be quite detrimental to relationships, possibly because of my history with abuse) and, when I realized that I could be possibly homosexual, kissing with my fwb felt a bit hollow, but at least the sex was still kinda pleasurable. But that day? I dunno, I just felt so horrible and it feels like a switch has been turned on, because looking back, even with sex within a relationship, I was doing it for him, because I thought that it would make him happy, but now I just question, why on earth did I do it?
     
  4. FemCasanova

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    Yeah, I can see that one. When I was in a relationship with a man, the sex could be kind of pleasurable too, sometimes, but mostly in the beginning when it all was new and exciting. It was my first real relationship, and I was more happy about being in a relationship than being with him, which should have been a clear signal, but wasn`t. The sex ended up being something I only did to make him happy and non-complaining, so I can see that one. I wouldn`t put yourself in the asexual box quite yet though, until you`ve tried to have sex with women, and been in a relationship with one, if you haven`t yet. For me, it makes all the difference. Sex with a man gives me nothing. Sex with a woman is something wonderful! So, if your sexual experiences has so far only been with men, you might want to wait until you`ve tried the other thing too. Our sexuality can blossom quite a bit when it`s stimulated the right way. And if it turns out you are asexual, then you`re not alone. Plenty of people out there who are, and who can relate, so it doesn`t have to come in the way of a meaningful relationship. I`m sure that either way you`ll figure it out.

    If you have a history with abuse, it will affect some aspects of how you relate to and are affected by other people, particularly if it was sexual. You don`t have to write anything about it, I just wanted to mention that if you haven`t had any sort of therapy for it, you might want to consider it. Coming from an abusive environment myself, it`s odd how a bit of personal baggage in that regard can affect you and make you think about others and yourself. I did Cognitive Therapy, which I recommend. It helps us analyze how we think and feel, and become aware of bad habits and destructive patterns in our thinking. Just a thought for you to consider :slight_smile: Most of my destructive thinking I wasn`t even aware of until the therapist pointed it out to me.

    In any case, I think you should start going after what could really make you happy, and leave the boys behind. It sounds a bit to me like you`ve been doing the same thing I did for a time, instead of going for the girls, even after I realized I was a lesbian I still had ONS with men and flirted with men, just because going out there and finding girls seemed to difficult and hopeless to me. At least with men I knew how to approach them, and knew they were mostly after one thing. It was always an empty and wasted experience though. If you`ve been liking girls better since you were 7, then that`s a clear indication that you`ll probably have a lot better experiences with women, than with men. It can be a scary step to take, but you can do it. We`re responsible for obtaining our own happiness, and often we`re the only thing standing in our way. So, go for what will make you happy :slight_smile:
     
  5. sillyolme

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    Sorry, forgot about that. Year 7 in England refers to the educational stage which consists of 11-12 year olds. I was probably looking at girls before then, but that's the earliest time I can remember, seen as someone noticed it and decided to announce it to the class :dry:

    In regards to the asexuality, I only really see this as a prospect because, looking all over the internet, people have said how they see sexual attraction as feeling the urge for sex, fantasizing and all that, which I don't get. I have fantasized making out with a girl but that is about it.

    With the therapy, this could be an option. When finally told someone about it, I got so stressed, I lost my appetite, I felt sick and cried pretty much every week as if all of my emotions from when I was abused were stored in a bottle and telling someone opened that bottle. I am fairly sure that I had PTSD or some form of depression. It pissed me off that literally everyone was telling me how much I needed counselling because I really didn't want it (got forced to go to one session by my school). I had no real reason for not wanting it, really. So, apart from talking to one of my best friends and my step-dad (now my dad) about it, I have had no professional help for it. I feel much better about it (kinda? can't tell) and thought that therapy was only for people with people who experienced it recently? I feel as though, I am not sad enough to qualify for therapy, even though it is nice to talk about it every now and then (that sounds terrible) I just wish it wasn't with people who I am close with. I try not to bring it up because I don't want to ruin their mood, or something like that I do feel like, not wanting sex that much or not seeing it as important could be linked to this.

    Or it could be linked to the fact that I have no experience with girls whatsoever. I wish I could, but I seem to get crushes on people who are taken, straight or just wouldn't be interested, so getting a relationship seems near to impossible. I only know 3 Bi/Lesbian girls that go to my school. The rest are either: in the closet to me about it, or they are straight :bang:
     
  6. FemCasanova

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    Oh, I get that therapy can be scary, and off-putting, and that you might think you don`t qualify. It took me a long while to actually make the choice to get some, because I couldn`t stand the thought at first. Thing is, people get therapy for all kinds of reasons. It can be that they are simply struggling with loneliness, or anti-social behavior. It can be because they`re struggling to handle everyday stress. It can be due to having difficulties sleeping, or just small problems relating to how to deal with their partner. There`s no set standard for why people get therapy, and there`s no out of date on emotional baggage. What we experience in life we carry with us for years and years, often shaping how we react to and how we deal with problems. Often the symptoms of emotional events are small, but important, possibly creating problems for us without us really ever knowing why or that it is happening. That`s why getting help to deal with past trauma and emotional baggage can be so important. Of course, it depends on us finding the right type of therapy and therapist, and sometimes it takes a couple of tries. But I can assure you, therapy can make a huge difference for us. But it all depends on how we approach it, what mind-set we approach it with (crap, I have to go VS I really want to work this out/figure this out) and that we find the right type and the right person to go to.

    I think you`ve been thinking too much about other people, and too little about what is good and right for you. A person should simply not have sex if they don`t want to. Having sex is an emotional and highly intimate act that if done unwillingly it can have a very negative effect on a person. Even if it is willingly in act, it can still be harmful if it`s unwillingly emotionally. You might want to have sex to please someone, but if emotionally you don`t actually want to do it, then it`s not good for you. Maybe not noticeable the first time, or the second time, but if you get into a pattern of having sex when you don`t want to, you will firmly, or might have already, associate having sex with something negative. Even if a person was not asexual before, they are bound to start feeling that way eventually if they keep committing to sexual activities with someone they don`t want to have sex with, possibly resulting in this experience you had which was quite bad.

    And you might be right, if you had sex with a girl, you might have a completely different experience. At the same time, your association with sex as something negative could still hamper that experience as well, but it`s hard to know until you`ve tried it. Note, I am not recommending that you do a ONS with the first available girl you see, because I think at this point the best thing for you would probably be that you put sex on a shelf for a little while, completely, and focus on getting to know someone, and falling for that someone, possibly having some therapy in the meantime, and take it slow. Sex is so different when it`s with someone you know and trust, compared to if it is with someone whom you don`t.

    And I know it can be hard to get to know possible dating prospects, particularly if you`re still in school. Do they have any local LGBT organizations where you live? Any youth groups, or clubs? Those are better alternatives than online dating, but if all else fails, online dating can work as well, although you have to be careful. Follow the basic rules of always meeting the first time in a public place, and chat up the person until you feel you know her before meeting for the first time. I met my GF through online dating, and we weren`t even meeting up as a date, she was just going to introduce me to her youth group and I wanted more friends. It kinda just happened :lol:

    Sorry if this post seems a bit messy or unclear, I slept poorly last night so my head feels a bit woozy, lol.
    (*hug*)
     
  7. sillyolme

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    Well, I was completely convinced that there were no LGBT youth groups near where I live.. I was proven wrong :grin: I'm gonna ask my parents, tell them its just an average youth group and that a friend invited me and hopefully they should let me. There is also a counselling service near where I live, which you don't even need to book for. I might visit it some when in the near future.

    Thank you so much for your help! You have helped me better than any other thread that I have posted!!
     
  8. FemCasanova

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    That`s great! There are always more options than we know about until we dig a little :wink: If they ask about what kind of youth group this is, you can simply tell them that it`s for people who wants more friends to discuss things they care about with, like books and such. It`s completely true for most youth clubs I`m aware of. No need to tell them it`s LGBT if you`re not comfortable with it.

    You`re very welcome, glad I could help out a bit *hugs*