In serious relationship with a man...but really a lesbian?

It does sound like you are a lesbian or bisexual who predominately fancies women. I know 7 years is a long time to be in a relationship and you both probably do not want to let go of this but I honestly think you need to for both his and your sake. While, we cannot tell you what your sexuality is because it is something only you know, you have already felt a longing, craving for women, and being with your man is not enough. You went to get a lapdance, that is the evidence that I do not think you are TRULY happy in the relatioship. You deserve someone who will make you feel whole, who you are attracted to and desire in other ways than just emotionally, as does your partner. I do not doubt that you love each other, but to me, it comes across as platonic and you will both start to resent one another if you continue on with this relationship. The reason why it took you so long to realize is... a lot of things.. denial ( you grew up in a religious family) so you subconsciously blocked away feelings, sometimes knowingly as well as you pointed out. There are a lot of other reasons to why we do not realize until later or struggle to accept our sexuality, but what matters is that you have come to terms with who you are now. Please talk to me or anyone else here, use us as support.

---------- Post added 6th May 2013 at 08:35 PM ----------

Also, can we please have an admin change this forum to sexuality issues please?

 

Ask, and ye shall receive! Hopefully it helps in getting better answers!

 

Thanks Filip for quick reply and fixing the problem, I hope this will help get her more answers also )

 

You should be aware that there are different types of attraction. Aesthetic, romantic, and sexual attraction are different from each other. Can't tell you what to identify as though.

 

No one can really answer that question but you.... but yes it seems likely that you're a lesbian. Is therapy an option for you? It sounds like you probably have some other unresolved issues to work through and a good therapist can be a great asset.

How hard would it be for you to move out? Not talking about ending things with your boyfriend, but about you having your own apartment while you figure it out. That kind of independence is important in finding who you are and what you want out of life, and it sounds like you've never really had a chance to do that. (*hug*)

 

*Hugs*

I was in a serious relationship with a man for about 6 months. Like you, I always felt like something wasn`t really there. The sex part didn`t work, and since we weren`t really very compatible we couldn`t be friends either. Those 6 months were a mistake. At least you can be friendly with your boyfriend now even if the sex isn`t okay, but you need to ask yourself; for how long? If you are really a lesbian, or a bisexual, how long do you think you`ll be able to stay in a relationship that`s unfulfilling for you without the growing frustration affecting your friendship? If you were an asexual, it probably wouldn`t have mattered (I am no expert on asexuality), but considering you do have sexual urges and you are feeling the frustration already, it might be time to reconsider your relationship. And you shouldn`t feel guilty. We can`t control whether or not we`re attracted to someone sexually. There`s no magic wand you can wave to fix the problem, and it`s not your fault.

It sounds like you may be a lesbian, but only you can know/find out for sure. And it is hard to do that without giving it a try. Which you won`t be able to do if still in a relationship, unless you cheat on him, which I am guessing is not something you really want to do either. So, I cannot tell you whether or not you are a lesbian, but it seems clear that you are not happy with your relationship and you need to figure out your sexuality. Your guy deserves the truth, and you deserve to be with someone who can make you happy, also sexually. I think you might want to tell him, that you are questioning your sexuality.

Some people discover their sexuality early, some late. That`s just the way it is, for various reasons. You are only 25. I was 21 when I finally got it. Not that much younger than you. Being raised in a religious environment often is the case when people discover their sexuality late. Whether or not it is a phase is hard to say, but not likely. Not if you have always felt this way, if the sexual attraction to men has never been there. There`s no plan that can guarantee your boyfriend stays in your life if you decide to try and figure out your sexuality. However, explaining to him that you think you really might be a lesbian, and that you`ve spent a long time trying to make sense of things might help him realize that you`re not breaking it off because there`s something wrong with him, and letting him know how much you valuate your relationship and how much he means to you will show him that you don`t want to lose him as a friend.

Regardless of what you choose to do, keep in mind that you deserve happiness like the rest of us. And sacrificing your self-discovery and sexual needs to keep a relationship with someone who cannot fully make you happy won`t be the best for either of you in the long run. You don`t have to come out as anything until you feel sure about your sexuality. But you can be open about questioning it, whatever is comfortable for you!

We`re here for you.

 

Congratulations on your realization and acceptance, and so glad you have the support of your ex-fiance. So happy for you. I hope your life is wonderful from here on out! (And here's hoping you meet a great gal ;D)

 

I'm really glad to hear things are going so well for you! It sounds like you've been very brave.