May 5th 2013 I am noticing that I am increasingly agitated around my girlfriend. I do get aroused when i see her naked and enjoy having sex with her. Sometimes I think sex is the only thing we have that keeps our relationship going. I know I have a good time with her when I'm drunk but i feel like the relationship is kind of superficial. This last week I have been increasingly worried about my sexual orientation. I have noticed that I am attracted to males in certain situations. Coming home from school I was in a severe state of panic and anxiety. I pulled over to masturbate because I wanted to prove that I couldn't get aroused by gay porn. I ended up being very aroused by it and that sent me into a state of further panic. Anytime thoughts of homosexuality come into my life I start to panic and become increasingly anxious. These thoughts push their way in between my girlfriend and I. I can feel them actually making me anxious and uneasy around my girlfriend. However, sometimes I believe that the reason I can't feel any feelings of love towards my girlfriend are because I am actually gay. One memory I have as a young child is being at camp and feeling attracted to a boy one night when we were on a camping trip. We were in a tent and I had the strange urge to kiss him. I can't remember having any attraction to males / male body parts from that day forth. Only to girls. Throughout middle school I didn't have these thoughts and throughout most of high school they didn't bother me either. I did however explore many different porn fetishes. Then in high school after I had broken up with my girlfriend (whom I had had sex with and been very attracted to the entire time I was with her) the thoughts about being gay started to pop into my head. I would try to anally stimulate myself and watch gay porn. It definitely turned me on but I wrote it off as nothing, an itch to scratch or just another fetish I was into. It started to worry me a little bit though and I started to be afraid that I was gay so I got back together with my girlfriend half to prove that I wasn't and the other half was to have the sex back. My fears about being gay were gone after my girlfriend and I got back together. I never felt like I loved or cared about her though. I did however really like having sex with her. Moving into college I broke up with my girlfriend and started to have reoccurring thoughts about being gay. I would never really let it get to me though because I would still hook up with girls and would enjoy it. I just thought my gay thoughts / fantasies were because I was into weird fetishes. On breaks I would meet up with my ex and we would have sex and I would love it. Then one day I found cuckold porn where a wife / girlfriend would have sex with another guy and make her bf watch. That was a huge turn on. It would also be really hot when she would make the boyfriend eat the other guys cum out of her once he had finished, or when the gf asked the guy she was having sex with to have gay sex with her boyfriend or make her bf perform oral on the guy. So obviously you guys are thinking that I am probably gay. I think I might be and sometimes I think I'm just in denial. However, I have never had any fantasies about guys that I know. My guy friends have never been attractive to me and I never felt a crush on any of them. I don't check guys out and I never have. Girls have always been who I chase after. They have always been who I want to hook up with when I'm drunk, so I am inclined to think that I am either bi-sexual or have homosexual OCD. I don't know what to do because sometimes I literally have bad anxiety attacks about how I am gay. I have to admit right now that I am AFRAID to be gay. I live in a frat house that is very homophobic and my parents would never be happy about it. I am scared to come out if I am in fact gay so that leads me to believe that this extreme anxiety is actually about my fear of coming out. How can I know?
