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constant questioning

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by triaudi, May 7, 2013.

  1. triaudi

    triaudi Guest

    I am a 30 year old male and recently started to have some doubts about my sexual orientation.

    Some background: I have always considered myself as straight.
    Around the age of 13-14 I did some experimenting with another guy. We even went as far as kissing, but no physical thing. At the time, it didn't particularly please me (nor did it I feel very bad about it) but I categorized it as "sexual experimentation".

    Later on I never really thought about this anymore and moved on with a straight life. I have had numerous crushes on girls. Some of them were really hard, stomach-twisting crushes and I have felt deeply in love and attracted to those girls. I wanted to have sex with them, I wanted to start a life-long relationship with them and imagined what it would be like to live together.
    I have been in a relationship with a girl for about 4 years. I ended that because I had a crush on another girl. That eventually didn't work out and I was single for about 4 years. During those 4 years I had two other crushes on girls and had some one-night stands. All very much to my satisfaction.

    Nowhere in that period of time (so between the age of 14 and 29) have I had any fantasies about males or had crushes on one of my friends (and still don't). I have never looked at gay porn, but have to admit I don't watch a lot of porn in general.

    About 6 months ago I met this girl and we ended up dating. She is really great, she has everything I look for in a girl, both physically and emotionally.
    On our first date I was in a nearly constant "state of arousal" and we ended up having great sex that night. The start of great relationship...

    Now, a few weeks ago I started questioning if I really loved her. I started having fears it really wasn't the case (anymore). Because she's such a perfect girl for me I started thinking it might be because I'm just not capable of loving girls. It occurred to my I might be gay.
    This also brought back the memory of a year ago when I met two guys at a bar while going out. They were absolutely convinced I was gay and said I was just in denial. I didn't know them and they didn't know me. I didn't pay a lot of attention to it back then, but ever since, when I meet people I ask myself if they would see I am gay. As if they would see trough my "straight act", which I'm still not sure I have.

    So the thought settled in my mind and was constantly there. I started thinking back of my experiments when I was younger, I started thinking back of my best friends. I started thinking that maybe I subconsciously I had a crush on them but never allowed that to come out. There is no real evidence to prove that, but still, the thought is there. I also started checking out men and trying to imagine if I could fall in love with them, have a relationship, have sex etc.
    While I don't see myself with a man, the thought doesn't repulse me either. I don't see it as something "dirty" or wrong, but something I just don't pursue.

    But then I started asking myself, maybe you tell yourself you don't pursue this because you don't want to admit it. Maybe I am aroused by guys but just don't allow myself to see/feel it. Since I was checking out all these men as a test, I obviously saw some goodlooking guys, and think that might be proof I am actually in denial.
    Whenever, I pass by this gay bar close to my home, I get this strange feeling like "they are already out, and I am not". Although there is no logical evidence I need to come out.

    As a side note: where I live, coming out is not such a big thing. Most people are very open about it and I'm pretty sure that if I were to come out, there wouldn't be a huge impact on my life.

    This is all just so confusing and I just can't stop these circular thoughts (yes-no-indenial) in my head. I even have told my girlfriend and she's being very positive about it and wants to give all the time I need. I just don't want to end up being 45 with 2 kids and realising I have been lying to myself all this time.

    Sorry for the rant, hope it makes a little sense.
    Any thoughts on this are much appreciated!

    ps: sorry if this seems a double post but something seems to have gone wrong while posting my first thread. Feel free to delete the first one.
     
  2. myheartincheck

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    It is natural to experiment when we're younger. You likely didn't have a crush on them but just enjoyed the stimulation. Love in straight as well as LGBTQ couples wane everyday! The heart is a fickle organ! As for seeing other good looking guys, even I know when a man is attractive, but it doesn't mean I'm attracted to them. Those other men in the bar probably were just teasing you or think all men have some interest in other men, but that's just not true.

    In my opinion, you are straight. Quite straight in fact. I wouldn't stress about it. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Musician

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    It's possible you are bi. I also thought I was "completely straight, with a few same-sex experimentations". I was like this until I met my current girlfriend. I went through a whole thing where I mentioned things like you have (maybe I'm gay/don't know it, experimentation, not masturbating to gay things, don't want to be 45 and realizing it, "these people are out, I'm not"). These days, I'm also not as aroused by my hot girlfriend as I'd like to be. But I'm also realizing, so I think, that my attractions to men and women are not that far apart. That I'm bisexual. At first, it seemed like I was totally gay. But being into women can never really go away if you had it before, since like me, you had attraction. That's what I think.

    For me, I think I need to jumpstart my relationship with my lady and make it more sexy. Because I am beginning to find I am still quite attracted to women! The high of a newfound bisexuality is beginning to wear off a little. But, I know I am fully bisexual. No worries there. I think I can still have a straight relationship and have fun with it.

    Maybe this is a phase of discovery for you, even if you wind up to be a Kinsey 1 or Kinsey 2 (I think I'm more Kinsey 3, if you are familiar with the scale that might help some people determine their level of same-sex/opposite-sex attractions). This is what happened to me. K1 and K2 can still definitely be considered bisexual, in my opinion. Over time, if you are open with yourself enough, and allow your attractions to go where they naturally go (and they can definitely shift around here and there, especially if bisexuality is new to you and you're opening up to yourself), then I think you can begin to find peace with who you are. Anyway, allow yourself to explore this. It might be possible you are turning gay, but I HIGHLY HIGHLY doubt it (like 0.00000001% chance), with your history of opposite sex attraction. I thought I was completely turning gay, and this is not the case, and I thought I was an extreme case. I think you will be fine, and however you turn out, you will be fine. I tell you this, because this is how it was in my experience, and I think that other bisexuals might attest to the same, on this site and on other bisexual forums (make sure to ask them for their point of view too!).

    If it helps at all, I think the vast majority of us are bisexual to one degree or another (Kinsey, the famed sexologist, estimated that only 5-10% of us are completely straight or gay). So, maybe this experience will help you be just a little more grounded in your experience of life. Never a bad thing, in my opinion.

    Don't know how clear I have been, but I hope it helps! Any questions, please ask. Cheers!
     
  4. triaudi

    triaudi Guest

    Thanks for your replies. I also considered being bi, but given I didn't feel attracted to guys seems to make that as difficult as being gay.

    Yesterday I talked about it with my best friend. At first, he said "Wow, I didn't see that one coming" and he was all compassionate about it. But then I started telling the same story I told in this post (and some more details from my past) and he seemed to conclude it's more about anxiety than true feelings for guys.

    Anyway, on the way home I passed by this gay club again and suddenly felt an urge to go in there and check it out. Eventually I didn't, but it made me click. Suddenly, I told myself: "I'm gay, learn to live with it". Don't know why. Especially after that long talk with my friend and his conclusion. I went to bed, just woke up and "the click" is gone. I am now feeling as confused as ever.

    I'm still together with my girlfriend but my sex drive is very low at the moment and I'm even wondering if I still lover her. But then again, that might all be caused by the constant thoughts in my head that I can't seem to stop...
     
  5. unknown17050

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    What I may say may not be of much help, but I feel exactly very similar ot what you're going through, it seems as though no matter what you do you cannot answer yourself if you are gay or straight or even bi for that matter, I too also have feelings for this woman I know on the internet, but enough of my life. What I'm going to say is this and it did help me in my state of confusion. Let the chips fall where they may, you could be gay/bi or not you may not be gay/bi and you can spend the rest of your life wondering if you are or not at this point, and all it will do is interfere with your life with such constant questioning. Thoughts do not make someone gay, getting arousal down below or south of the border does, and even in my state of confusion right now I know that is the case. I think what it is, is your going exactly what I am going through except you had the courage to go to your crushes unlike myself. So do what I do, let the chips fall where they may and go on with your life without any questioning. You owe it to yourself and to your loved one to do it. Best wishes to you and your current love.
     
  6. triaudi

    triaudi Guest

    Thank you for your reply. It's good to know I'm not the only one in this situation.
    I would love to just let the chips fall, but at this moment it's having such an impact on my life I just can't seem to ignore it.

    Is there anyone else here that recognizes himself in this situation and eventually came to a conclusion?

    Btw, I have planned an appointment with a therapist. Hope that will help clear my mind.
     
  7. Stray

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    Consulting a therapist is always a good move. Alright, so I'd agree with your friend that you aren't gay. However, I'd say your subconscious halfway wishes you were gay. Let me explain.

    Gays that are out to the extent that they go to gay bars are some of the most self-assured and happy people out there. And so, when you drive by the gay bar in your town, you're reminded of that self-assurance they all seem to have, and want it.

    You said that your girlfriend should be perfect for you, but the magic seems to have gone from the relationship. And since you can't unequivocally rule out that latent homosexual attraction wasn't the reason, your mind has started to become fixated on that. So, it seems what your mind is really trying to do is create an excuse to end the current relationship you're in. But that's no reason to fret, sometimes it just doesn't work out; even with someone who, on the surface, is perfect for us.

    Now I could be wrong (I only know what you posted here, obviously), but you said that you only became questioning AFTER you established that something was wrong in your current relationship. I have never felt any deep connection with a woman, so I think if you were gay or bi, you'd have a stronger clue.

    As for the gay guys in the bar telling you that you're gay, we think everyone's gayer than they actually are (because so often the whole macho thing is an act); so I'd take that with a grain of salt.

    Ultimately, the therapist will probably be of more help than any of us, but you sound straight to me.
     
  8. triaudi

    triaudi Guest

    Well, the thing is I *think* I started questioning after having doubts about my relationship. I'm now in a phase where I think it might actually be the other way around.

    I'm now thinking I might have known all along. That I have always felt sympathetic to gay people, knowing I would have to come out one day. For the record, that's one of my thoughts, not a fact. Because it's still in contradiction with how I've led my life up until now.
    Just the day before yesterday I tried fantasizing about sex with a man. I eventually came and felt guilty about it. Seeing it as another sign.
    However, yesterday, I was with my girlfriend again and suddenly felt enormously attracted to her again.
    But then, today, I crossed a random guy in the street and thought he was good looking.

    So you see, I'm constantly thrown from one side to the other, not knowing what to make of either feeling. I just cannot seem to find even one thought I can hold on to without considering the exact opposite.

    Sorry if I this all seems a little dramatic and exagerated, but it's just so hard and has an impact on all aspects of my life. Even more so since I have been extremely busy at work, so it's really hard to cope with it all.
     
  9. triaudi

    triaudi Guest

    Whilst I'm still working on this with my therapist I still have few questions. As I don't have any gay friends who I can talk to (I know some but I don't trust them enough to talk about this with them), I'm looking for people who "went through it all" and can maybe relate to what I'm feeling/doing.

    What it basically comes down to (in this phase, I still go back and forth between labels) is that I think that there are other factors (doubts about my relationship, setling down, fear of bonding with one girl for the rest of my life, etc.) that have put me into this questioning phase.

    So here it goes:

    a/ I feel like I don't have any spontaneous fantasies about men. I have never looked at gay porn before, nor did I feel the urge to do so (still don't). When I look at it, it's more of a "meh"-feeling. I don't get turned on, but it doesn't repulse me either.
    But the thing is, when I do - consciously - put such a fantasy in my head (e.g. giving a hj to another man) it does turn me on. But maybe that's because I can relate to that feeling (having received a hj before from girls)?

    b/ Last week I was with a friend of mine (female) and after some drinks we started cuddling, holding hands etc. and it turned me on massively. Eventually nothing happened but it kind of convinced me that my attraction to girls is still very strong.

    c/ I do see attractive men a lot of the time but whilst I recognize their attractiveness I don't feel a need to touch them, get close or talk to them. But as I recognize it, it makes me nervous when talking to them. Also, as I see them I don't feel as if I want to have sex (or anything intimate for that matter) with them. I only ask myself *why* I'm looking at them although I don't "feel" anything.

    Anyone who can relate to all of the above? Is this the denial talking?
    I know there is no such thing as a definitive "gay checklist" but your thoughts on the above might help me come to my true self.
     
  10. Hello2357

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    I think your straight.... Can you imagine yourself getting oral etc from a guy? Can you see yourself in a relationship with a guy? Could you at your age now kiss a guy? So you think about men all the time or on and off or never? For me it's more of one week sexual thoughts about guys, then the next week women. Then sometimes it's with both..... It's most likely anxiety man, it makes you crazy, you might have HOCD.