What a kerfuffle...

Hi. Im a 23 year old female, who I guess is just a bit confuzzled by the whole sexuality thing

All through school I have felt different, like i just wasnt interested in sex or boys or talking about penises and all that jazz. It really pissed me off talking about it, it seemed about as interesting as cleaning your car or putting out the washing. Wasnt really feeling it. Trying to imagine some sort of sexuality was a bit like trying to squint through the fog at it, cant quite make out where it is.

I suppose i should say that i was molested by an older man when i was quite young, and have a bit of a mood disorder. I do fear that these things are sort of quashing any sexuality I may have, like biting down on it and numbing it.

Skip forward a few years, and I dont feel all that much has changed. I still feel very distant to sexuality, quite frankly it does make me nervous. I do see a psychologist, who when I brought up my worries about not really being sure which way i swing, was very quick to ask if i had ever been with a boy and deemed me straight.

I have had one boyfriend, when i was quite young, start of junior year, but nothing since. I had a one night stand a few years ago with a guy i met in a bit of a "grit your teeth and do it" moment, which left me feeling grossed out and more lost. not exactly the response i wanted haha.

Ive always wanted to be one of the boys, but ive never wanted to to have sex with them.
Ive never been able to sit down with girls and gossip about how good looking a boy is, or understood why girls seem to get all fey eyed over ryan gosling. I can understand hes an above average good looking man, but theres no attraction.

As far as crushed go, id have to say ive had equal amounts of crushes on girls and guys, bare in mind theyre all pretty faint, nothing big enough to act on. Strangely enough, every guy ive ever had a crush on has turned out to be gay Just recently, Ive realised i feel quite strongly about a girl im quite close with at uni. I think shes beautiful, but im scared to think about it any more, because i dont want my mind to wander down that path.

That said, while i think the female body is much more attractive than the male body, women annoy me, theyre just bitchy and rude. I feel much more emotionally attracted to men, but i worry about a relationship with them that would lead to sex and feeling so revolted by it.

I wish I knew what was going on, not so much because I want to prove anything, but more that people seem to get so much out of relationships, good and bad, i know, so hey, sounds like something that could be ok i feel like im 23, maybe by now i should have figured out what gets me going haha

Maybe I am just thinking way too much about this, ce sera sera, what ever will be, will be. It is so much simpler just not thinking about it. But THANKYOU for your consideration, sometimes its just nice to have a little ramble sorry about the MOUNTAIN of text

---------- Post added 9th May 2013 at 02:15 AM ----------

Ive wondered for a while if i may be bi sexual, but i suppose i dont really know what that is, or if i 'qualify', for lack of a better term. Lack of interest in men doesnt necessarily mean i am a lesbian and vice versa...