So, I thought I'd try to gather my thoughts enough to make a post here, because I really feel like I need to get all these things out that have been on my mind lately. I'm a 22 year-old girl and I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years. Before starting to date him I identified as bisexual/gay, although I guess I was never too sure about my sexuality and I've never been with another girl, although I would like to. I started fantasizing about girls when I was around 14. I guess before that I didn't really even think it was possible for two people of the same gender to be with each other, but after coming across people who were gay or bi on the internet I started questioning my own sexuality. I do remember thinking girls were pretty etc before that too, but felt kind of guilty about it. It was so exciting to realize that it was ok and normal to like other girls, and I started watching a lot of lesbian films and reading books and stories and so on (I can get very obsessive about things) At first I thought I was bi, but then I started identifying as a lesbian at some point. I think that was mostly because I kind of felt a need to be either gay or straight - I didn't just want to be stuck somewhere in the middle, silly as I know it sounds... I kind of came out to a few people too, since at 16 I moved to a bigger city where people where more open-minded. However, when I was 18 I met my boyfriend. When he asked me out I didn't quite know how to react at first but I figured it'd do no harm to go with him just for coffee. I had kind of low self-esteem (still do to some extent) and was quite surprised and flattered that anyone would ask me out. And we ended up having a really fun time and got on very well and decided to go for a second date etc.. So, we've been together for 4 years now, and during most of this time I haven't really been too bothered about my sexuality - i figured there was no need to label myself as anything or think about it too much since I was with him anyway. However, I have had my doubts about the relationship and lately these thoughts have occupied my mind a lot. As much as it scares me I have been thinking about breaking up with him. The thing is, I don't really think I'm attracted to him. We have fun together cooking and watching movies etc (we live together now) and he's the most kind and gentle and wonderful guy there is, but while I do sometimes enjoy having sex with him I don't find myself all that attracted to him. Of course if he touches me in the right places I get turned on, but I don't really feel like having sex with him unless he initiates it most of the time and I don't really find his body all that attractive. I don't really think I'm a lesbian though - I think I could be attracted to some other guy, and I do enjoy sex with guys (well, with my boyfriend anyway, from time to time, never been with anyone else). But lately I've been thinking a lot about girls again, and I think I'd really prefer to date another girl. I like the female body (don't really find men's bodies attractive at all although I can be attracted to some particular guy) and I get turned on by the though of kissing and touching other women, I'd like to have sex with and could easily imagine myself in a relationship with another woman. So I guess I could identify as bisexual then (perhaps with a slight preference to women). But I get kind of obsessive thoughts about my sexuality and this disturbs me. It's like on some level I don't fully believe I could be bisexual and feel like I need to "prove" to myself that I am. Insane as it sounds I worry that I'm actually straight, although at the moment I don't really want a relationship with a man at all? It's like I'm afraid I'm just deluding myself or something... And then I get so confused and don't even know how I feel about anything anymore. I guess I just tend to overthink things waay too much. And although I try to tell myself that there's no need to label myself as anything at all I kind of feel the need to do that! It also really scares me to end this relationship although it's something I've though about for such a long time and deep down I know it's the right thing to do. But after four years our lives are so intertwined, and he's not just my boyfriend but also my best friend at the same time and I don't want to loose him completely. I also really hate the thought of hurting him, because I know he loves me so much. Any help or advice would be appreciated, so thanks to anyone who managed to get through this long rambling post!
You could be a biromantic lesbian, or however that label goes. Sexuality can be complicated (I know I repeat that a lot, which in a way proves the point) and often people fall outside of the boxes they know, and have to find other labels, or make their own. But yeah, you could be a bisexual, with a preference towards women. It`s hard to say, and something you need to figure out with some time and experience. When it comes down to it, the label doesn`t matter, all you need is to figure out what will make you happy, what would make you content with a partner and a relationship. It definitely does not sound like this one is making you feel content, even if it has it`s positives, but I can understand your worry about losing a good friend in the process. Being completely honest with him about your sexuality could help a lot. That you`ve been questioning, and now you are experiencing a need he cannot due to biology fulfil. It should be an easier thing to accept than if you had left him for another guy, for example. Being honest with him now is going to hurt him a lot less than staying in an unhappy relationship, because those turn sour and people change. The earlier he knows about how you feel, the lesser the damage, especially since if you cling to him, despite truly wanting to be with someone of the other gender, it`s a slippery slope towards unfaithfulness, which would hurt him a lot more. Making big changes is tough, but sometimes we have to just step right into it. It`s better for both parties, in my opinion, because or else we can end up bitter and regretful. Better to do today what you know you`ll have to do tomorrow, because it will be harder if you drag it out. If you`ve never had a relationship with a woman, that could explain why you sometimes feel doubt now. It`s easier to know what shoes fit after we`ve tried them on. And that`s the last stupid analogy I`ll make in this post, promise! In any case, if you feel stuck in this questioning phase, trying on the other pair (that`s a reference to a previous analogy, it doesn`t count!) can help you know for sure, and I think it`s going to be hard for you to settle in a relationship with any guy while you`re still experiencing this insecurity. So regardless, it might be the wisest choice, for you. *big hug!*
