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So here goes

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by lewlew84, May 10, 2013.

  1. lewlew84

    Regular Member

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    So I wrote a post onto the introduction post Yesterday and they said it might be a good idea to start a post in this section.

    So here goes....

    I am 28 years of age. I am in a straight relationship. I have a child from a previous relationship.

    Since I was around 14 I noticed I was kind of attracted to guys. This was something that scared me because it was not what I was thought to be normal. During this time at school there was this guy at school who I knew who wasn't gay but I had a major crush on him. This really made me angry with myself. These feelings were always there and they were very frustrating and very annoying because I felt like there was something wrong with me. There was also another guy at school who was bullied so bad because he was thought to be gay ( He has come out now since leaving school ). Since I have left school I have these feelings have never gone away. I feel like I have tried to make them go away if that makes sense. Dated lots of girls even though no relationship ever felt right. I have tried to come across as this super great guy and have had this focus on being a husband have kids be a family man and this has been a major mind burden for so many years. On the way it has brought failed relationships. Including that with the mother of my Son. As the years have gone the kind of urges and mental crap this has put on myself has been extremely hard going. I haven't exactly had the most stable life anyway but that's another story. So this brings me to now. I am with someone. Actually engaged. She is a great girl and if I am completely honest I am not attracted to her as such. This is the confusing thing now because I think I am in love with her as a person but not in a attraction way. I understand that probably doesn't make sense.

    I am attracted to guys and numb about women I feel like I have trained myself to think women are the right way and I know that might come across as offensive and I really don't mean it too. This is all extremely confusing to me because on one side I feel like I know I am gay but the other side looks back at things I have been through and I have no idea what I am going to do. I feel like just writing this post is already a dishonest strike against my fiance.

    I guess I just want to know I am not the only person that has ever gone through this because I am having the hardest time ever right now and I have had many hard time but this is just really screwing with me! :bang:
     
  2. wrhla

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    You are definitely not the only person to go through this. Many of us have. It sounds to me like you are most likely gay, but a big part of you doesn't want to let go of the identity you have been so invested in since you were 14 or longer. It gets to be very confusing when your self-image is at odds with your inner reality.

    Try a thought experiment: Spend a few days imagining that you're gay. Let yourself see men as if they were potential lovers or partners. Don't worry about your response to women. See whether that makes any difference for you,
     
  3. Stray

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    I'd recommend you be honest with your fiance about this, regardless. Odds are, if you've felt attracted to men for more than a decade, that's not going to stop. And attempting to hide this from her would only foster distrust between you two, which is recipe for a failed marriage.

    I'd also say that you seem pretty clearly gay, so why have you resisted it for so long? Are you just anxious about the implications?