This past month I have been questioning my sexual orientation and it has led me to be extremely depressed. I haven't eaten I want to sleep all day and this is all because I feel I might be bisexual or gay. Little background information. I had my first crush when I was 6 on a girl, I touched my teachers boob when I was 8 and I was amazing. When I was 11 I had this friend who I would skateboard with, now he used to play with his dick in front of me all the time and it freaked me out. Until one day he got me to play with min with him. We did this for a while till he started touching me and I started touching him and it was different i was 11 so I didn't really feel anything we stopped hanging out randomly and I wasn't sad or missed him. Fast forwarding I feel in love with this girl at first sight when I was 12 we had sex and I took her virginity at 13. We broke up I was sad but I continued to date other girls. Having lots of fun thinking I fell in love things like that I dated 5 girls for about a year each and had amazing sex life with all of them. Then I found gay porn and jerked off to it and felt disgusted with myself. But every once in a while I found myself going back to it and found myself just as digested the first Time. Maybe I would watch once ever Few months. I remember being intrigued by the fact That gay sex turned me on but I never even ONCE questioned if I was bi or gay. Until recently. Now when dealing with women I can just grab my girlfriends ass and get hard we can cuddle and ill get hard. But ever since I questioned my sexuality I feel like I don't get as hard as easy with her. We still have sex and I get Solid and finish at a good pace and all that. I have dreams of only women. And if I see a hot woman in real life I can easily get hard imagining fucking her. But I can't shake this idea I might be gay or bisexual and it is literally killing me. I haven't eaten In days or even left my room cause of it. I sleep all day and look up stuff online to see If I can relate to any of this hocd stuff. I watch gay porn and it gets me kinda hard but I think it's gross. I watch regular porn and feel so much anxiety "what if I don't get Hard" that I get hard but it's almost as same as gay porn. When I lay down and imagine gay sex it turns me on and when I picture Hetero sex it's the same thing. I get So worried I won't get a boner that I don't. Back before i questioned my sexuality me and my gf wouldnt have sex that often because I was very stressed with my new job and school. I would rather masterbate very late when she was asleep and I got all my stuff down. I usually watched straight porn or BBW or weird fetish stuff. I cannot picture myself with a man since I don't believe I can build a connection with them romantically. I personally just think I love taboo topics and a porn addict. I used to watch normal porn then i needed something weirder and weirder to get me going. I signed up for therapy and have to wait a few days. But I'm so depressed because of this I can't wait I honestly feel like hurting myself if I was to turn out bi or gay. Now I have nothing against gay people at all but I've always been straight with weird porn fetishes now the anxiety of it is literally making me to crazy. Please help
Why are you questioning your sexual orientation? Simply because of gay porn? Have you ever fantasized about men while masturbating without porn? I can't tell how old you are, but I was once in your place. I was absolutely certain I was straight and couldn't figure out why I sometimes fantasized about guys. When I got to college, I started to buy gay porn that I kept hidden in my apartment, but I also looked at straight porn and dated women. I was guilt-ridden and disgusted by the gay porn. I'd throw it out and say I'd never look at it again. But then I'd go out and get more. Pretty soon I found ways to rationalize it that just ruled out the possibility that I might be gay. All I can say is that I tried very hard for a very long time to hold on to a self-image in which I was straight. It is extremely hard to let go of a self-image you have had nearly your whole life. And it can seem like nothing makes any sense, because you're experiencing a kind of cognitive dissonance. You "know" your straight, but keep wondering if you're gay. As for being bi, well it turns out to be more complicated than you imagine at first. You wonder if you're more straight than gay or the other way around or whatever. This is a very good way to go crazy, if that's your goal. It's not something you can control, nor is it something that can be measured like the amount of liquid in a measuring cup. I think you will find therapy helpful, but you may have to accept some things you'll fight against. If you come to believe you are bi, you'll have to decide what, if anything, you want to do about it. Explore it? Let it ride? Whatever. If you end up discovering that you're gay, you may have a very hard time accepting it. I did. But now that I have I look back and wonder what I was so worried about. The world of 2013 is one where it's possible to be gay and lead an open, happy life. (Depending on where you live.) I have suffered from serious depression in my life. I can tell you that I'd rather be gay than depressed. Best of luck.
