Sorry if the title comes off homophobic. I am just really angry, and I stand by my question. I think I have mental issues as far as sexuality is concerned. God, I'm really really freaking angry right now. Ok, I keep getting aroused by men. No problem. Both emotionally and physically. I don't get so aroused by women. When I do, I repress it and drift away, back to men. Like I don't deserve women. I think I have issues with that. So I go to look at gay porn, and it feels/looks great. But not that much. After a few minutes, it begins to be lame. Women turn me on less though. I can't look at them. Don't like them. So I'm scrolling through pics of women's genitals only, no faces, and guess what! That gets me off like nothing else. Definitely more sexually arousing on its own than of a penis. God, I love pussy by itself, without the woman. So then, I feel like my good old self, the way I always felt when I was a kid. So I can't look at women themselves, my bi side definitely comes out, but the actually pussy gets me off, because I find it the hottest thing in the world. I'm apparently a gay man who likes pussy. I failed at being gay. I've always loved pussy. Please, please kick me out of the gay community. I don't deserve you guys. And I definitely don't deserve a girl. When I'm with a woman, I always have these intrusive images of penis, which I try to accept with all my heart. I really do. And it gets me off. But I feel empty inside, like I wasted an ejaculation on something not that hot. I want to feel like the hetero man I always felt like. But I can't, and I know I'm gay or bi leaning to gay, in spite of me getting off much more to pussy, since I like men more, and I'm more aroused by them (not their genitals, but by the person. But sexually, I want pussy, just without the woman. Or maybe I'm lying now. I don't even know. My inner gay is coming out, in spite of everything). So it seems. But in my heart, I believe I still love pussy. But, I know that in the LGBT community, that is considered denial, the whole "not really liking dick though it gets me off thing", and I am going with it until I die, one way or another. I will not deny my true feelings of being gay! The freaking end! I mean, since I'm constantly thinking about it, and getting aroused by guys, it's my mind telling me one thing only. I'm gay! Though I love vagina. But that doesn't matter. It's only a genital, not the person. But even when I'm not thinking about this, my head literally spins in circles. I'm depressed. I don't feel like myself. I want to cry all the time. I just want to feel like the man who loves women, the way I always felt about myself, both sexually, romantically, physically, emotionally, etc. Even if I'm bi. But I went from straight to gay. So I was DEFINITELY IN DENIAL! I feel like this is OCD. I know many of you guys don't believe in OCD, as far as LGBT issues. I don't know what else this is. But ok, I'm taking you at word. I'm gay, and it's not HOCD. And if I kill myself over this, I don't care. I can't live anymore. I feel like shit and ass at the same time. I failed at being gay. Please forgive me. I'll try to be more accepting of myself and of the LGBT community. Apparently, my homophobia is getting the worst of me, and I'm positive of other people. Or I need to really work with my therapist harder. Because I'm failing at that too. I want this all to go away, and love women again. Right now, I don't love women, I don't love men enough, and my sexual issues are all over the place. I just want to cry myself to death. Please help me accept myself as gay. Thank you. So I can get over this mess. Since I know I can never love women again, in spite of physically adoring their privates. Cheers. ---------- Post added 10th May 2013 at 09:20 PM ---------- Ok, sorry for being such a bitch. I just needed to vent. You don't need to respond if you feel that post was ridiculous. I just needed to take my anger out on a forum. I'm just really sad about my issues with women. ---------- Post added 10th May 2013 at 09:39 PM ---------- TL;DR - compare male and female genitals, and female genitals get me off much more, way more often, but only when masturbating (I've tried both, many times). When looking at both, I'm more aroused by men. Everything else, comparing attraction to people, I'm pretty gay. Even touching my girl, I think of men's genitals (like thoughts popping in my head).
Hi Musician, Sounds like you're having a bad day, to say the least. Look, I get it. I have gone through all of this madness. I agree with something you said before: bisexuality sucks. I have gone through the thing of trying to decided whether I like male or female genitalia more. (Answer: male.) But thinking of your sexual relationships in solely terms of genitalia is not conducive to your mental health. You haven't "failed" at anything. But your anxiety seems to have overtaken everything else. My sense of things is that you have some serious anger issues with women (no?) that may overlap with issues of sexual orientation. I know that you said your therapist was an LGBT therapist. I have to admit that until I started posting at EC, I had never heard of an LGBT therapist. And, sorry, but I find the idea a little suspect. That is, I think a decent therapist should be able to address the whole person, not focus exclusively on issues of sexual orientation. I don't know. Maybe I'm just not clear on the concept. But my feeling is that you should deal with the sources of your rage and anxiety and let the sexual orientation matter follow form that. Just sayin'.
Thanks Bill. Great words. Just curious, have you always liked male genitalia more? I have always liked female more. Yes, you are so right about dealing with those anger issues. I will make a point to deal with it in therapy, all genitals aside. Anxiety and anger must be dealt with. But I'm talking about it now with people instead of hiding it inside. I'm trying to talk directly about my feelings now instead of bottling it up. I'll do my best to address those issues, and then maybe the sexual orientation might become more clear (hopefully clearing up my love for women like before, though of course, knowingly acknowledging my bisexuality, which I don't doubt I have - smells like Kinsey 2 material, but that's really not important right now, I don't think). I don't think my therapist is an LGBT therapist per se. He just happens to be gay oriented. I had no idea he was even gay until years after meeting him. I mean he is married (more or less happily, according to him), but the fact that he wore Hawaiian shirts and was adorably feminine got me wondering a little bit (out of sheer curiosity), but I had no idea until I addressed my own sexuality with him.
Hi G, re: your therapist, sounds good. Mine is straight, but he was way ahead of me on the likelihood that I was gay, and he's been a big help. On the questions of male & female genitalia, I truly don't know how to answer. When I was in my teens I jerked off constantly to straight porn and was pretty obsessed with cunts. I was sort of freaked about my interest in gay porn at first, but I kept going back for more. I thought I was basically straight because I liked women so much, and that I had a slight homosexual interest. I thought that for most of my life. And I though that once I dealt with other issues, I would resolve my anxieties and be confidently heterosexual. And I still find women very beautiful. But now I feel like, as much as I love women, I'm not sure I ever really wanted to have sex with them. I just don't know. I now see pretty clearly that I'm gay. I think that there is a tendency around here to turn the Kinsey scale into some sort of objective measure, like an actual scale you can add and subtract weights to. It's really just a guide or a framework that is useful in seeing that the binary logic of straight/gay is erroneous. Also, I see that it's nearly impossible to look at oneself clearly, to distinguish between what's true and what we want to be true. So I have stopped trying to figure out where I fall on some scale, and just identify as gay. I am way more relaxed than I was before I came out. Did you really never have homosexual fantasies before a year or two ago? The fact that you started fantasizing about men only after you started to feel like you were in love with your girlfriend certainly suggests that intimacy is at the heart of things (so to speak). Love and intimacy can be pretty scary because you have to surrender a certain amount of autonomy. If the homosexual fantasies really just came out of the blue, then you should explore the possibility that they are a defense against the fear of intimacy. I just reread "Being Homosexual," which is pretty good. I don't agree with everything he says, but he says some interesting things about differences between straight, gay, and bi men and their homosexual fantasies. Hetero men might have occasional homosexual fantasies that start in adult life, gay men generally start having homosexual fantasies earlier and much more frequently. I don't recall when I first fantasized about other guys, but it was probably around 12, at the onset of puberty. They weren't all that frequent at first, but they became more so when I got to college and after. As the years have passed, my sexual fantasies have become overwhelmingly homosexual, which has led me to where I am today.
Yeah, my homosexual fantasies are brand new. I mean, I would possibly get aroused by a guy in straight porn, but never without the girl (I'm sure I must be bisexual to some degree, otherwise this would never be coming up). I'm sure it was the idea of sex and the girl getting plowed. But, I always had the most elaborate fantasies about women, and very often lesbians, and I didn't think ever about men, at least in my head. And I allowed myself to test the waters a little. Even when I fooled around with the boy at 16, I would go back and have exclusively straight fantasies. Gay fantasies never found their way with me. I mean, I'm sure I'm bisexual, but my choice was women, because they tickled my mind more and got me off better. I really must explore my intimacy issues. I can definitely believe this is at the heart of it. Because if I was gay, even though I'd have no sexual attraction, I'd still probably get along well with the woman, even from the beginning. But I never got along with her, like I could have. Always sticking up for myself, being in my own world, rather than being connected with her and communicative. It's gotten better, but I have shied away from her. I mean, I can't even get turned on by a woman because I just am angry at them, even when I'm happy. I'm saying this, because everything sexual about a woman always turned me on. Except when she orgasms in porn. That never fails (and much more effective than a guy, I think). I hear ya on the Kinsey thing. It's very hard to resist though. B, I was listening to a program on the radio today about music and its effect on the brain. That the brain is incredibly flexible, and can acquire all sorts of new tastes. For example, I don't know if you're familiar with the history of Stravinsky's Rite of Spring, but when it was premiered, the tones literally caused a riot (and they went into how the neurons in our brain don't experience the waves of a dissonant interval like they do a consonant one, and it causes anger rather than pleasure). Yet, one year later, in the same hall in Paris, it was played again and Stravinsky was carried off a hero, because people had become more acclimated to the sound of the music. And 25 years later, it was a featured piece in Fantasia, a children's movie! The point is that we may be born a certain way, yet our brains are plastic. For example, my initial tastes were more with classical music. Then, I began to love more modern music, and other things. While other people ONLY love modern music and never begin to love classical. Our brains are very plastic. I wouldn't be surprised if we can experience all sorts of changes (not conditioned, like reparative therapy). I mean, like, the natural process of acquiring different tastes over time. Yet, if I love Ligeti or something modern, doesn't mean I still won't love Brahms forever, though I might lose interest for a while (I still come back to it, as evidenced by the video I sent you last night). So I think - and maybe my logic is totally faulty - that since I already loved women more than anything, and I may have acquired new tastes or brought out old ones that were latent, that since I still love women (like I do Brahms), yet it's covered up right now, that maybe I must continue therapy and see if the intimacy issues might not been the problem, and I can uncover my lost love for the girls. Most importantly, for the one girl that matters most, yet has be THE one I have not been able to connect to. There have been personality issues between us, but with other girls, I think I felt more comfortable. I almost think we're made for each other, to work out our difficulties, and live together as stronger, happier, more productive couple. And if we're both straight/bi, then I see no reason why it shouldn't work. Hopefully.
