Romantic and sexual orientation..CONFUSED!

Are you sexually more aroused by men?

 

if you search EC you will find other topics by people who feel that their sexual orientation and romantic orientation do not line up. you're definitely not alone in this.

for example:
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/chit-chat/53194-romantic-orientation-vs-sexual-orientation.html
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anony...31-how-do-you-live-biromantic-homosexual.html
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/chit-chat/73122-am-i-heteroromantic-bisexual.html
etc etc

yeah, having "misaligned" orientations can be hard.... i think that often when this happens people end up leaving out their romantic orientation and just going with their sexual orientation (so for example a biromantic heterosexual would default to simply being heterosexual) for simplicity's sake. because of this, as well as the fact that romantic orientations aren't even well known, i think that there are actually far more people with "misaligned" orientations than one may think.

getting back to your present situation with your partner, however... i don't know what to say. i feel sad for you because i know what it is like to really really love someone but lack sexual attraction towards that person and feel bad about it because it affects your partner. :/ i wish i had advice to give you, but sadly i don't.... your lack of sexual attraction towards your partner is something that you will have to discuss and work out with your partner. for some people, a lack of sexual attraction can be a deal breaker in a relationship, sadly.... then again, for others it's not.

i hope things work out for you either way. :/

 

i didn't mean to suggest anything like that. sorry if i did.

i believe that sexual attraction and sexual desire/libido are two different things and it seems to me that you're having problems because these two things aren't equally strong for you towards your partner. it's obvious that you want to participate in sex with your partner in every respect, but as your body isn't always responding in a way that matches your feelings, there is conflict there.

to me, sexual attraction is a physical (rather than simply mental) arousal & desire for sex that is the direct result of someone else. to me, the lack of physical response that you have described seems linked to sexual attraction rather than your libido/sexual desire. after all, you don't have this problem with men, correct?

as for your supposed lack of g-spot, i'm not a doctor but i doubt that that is the case. it's well known that women have a much more difficult time reaching orgasm than men and all women are not the same. for some women it is just easier or harder than for others. that aside, not getting wet has nothing at all to do with g-spots anyway. if you find you aren't able to get wet with your current partner and yet you haven't had this problem so much with partners of another sex/gender, don't you think that means something....?

sadly, one cannot simply will oneself to become sexually attracted to someone, regardless of how otherwise attracted you are to that person. sexual attraction goes beyond feelings and logic, imho....

 

i recently have been thinking that although sex orient is pretty unconscious, it maybe can change from time to time or even from day to day.

im thinking our understanding of our own orientation is imperfect... we do the best we can.

however, if one is conflicted or bi or something one obviously can make choices about ones activities provided those choices are informed by ones actual needs "on the ground"...
in other words if one can live a reasonably satisfactory "straight life" (as i can), with occasional light and utterly safe homosexual activity on the side, it could be a choice to stay \with the straight side for marrraige and kids. i have always been romantically drawn to have women partners.

you maybe could find your needs on the ground now and try (not easy) to project what they might be in the future. ( maybe with some safe side experimentation to test the waters)

then make a choice or take at least a position for what works for you.
find partners that you please and please you well enough.

 

For example I'm reading this later in the day and I'm feeling kind of straightish.

---------- Post added 13th May 2013 at 05:38 PM ----------

I felt quite gay this morn

 

I think quite a few of us have experienced this split. I wish that, at my advanced age, I understood it more fully, but it's definitely there.

I have experienced this same hour-to-hour shift that omla describes. Indeed, I experienced it today myself. I recalled sexual experiences with women, including my wife, that were quite wonderful really, and I can imagine that I'd still enjoy such. Yet I feel that I have to describe my sexual orientation these days as being primarily gay.

Here's what I have come to feel: I am bisexual in a very real sense, but it's nothing like what most people imagine as bisexuality. It's not, for me, just a matter of "love the one your with," are freely choosing between men and women. Maybe in a world where none of us ever had to deny any sort of sexual desire, I would feel like that. But in this world, I seem subject to unconscious attitudes.

I will say that I have known women who seem to be bisexual in the sense of just following their hearts, regardless of a lover's gender. I don't think I have ever known men like that.

 

You said you are having difficulty reaching orgasm with your girlfriend. Are you able to orgasm when you masturbate or is this a problem at all times? Were you able to orgasm when with a man?

You desire to have sex with your girlfriend so it doesn't sound like a lack of sexual attraction to me. It sounds like you're having arousal trouble, not attraction trouble if that makes sense. Did this start at a time when you'd been extremely stressed? Have you started any medications? Are you having any health problems? Have you tried using some kind of lubricant if you're having trouble getting wet to see if you're able to orgasm with just more lubrication?

I'm not sure I agree with everyone else assuming that you're not attracted to your girlfriend sexually. If you were successfully having sex and getting aroused with her before, and then weren't then something is causing it that isn't "don't want to have sex with girls."

 

i respectfully disagree. since when does "successfully" getting wet and having sex = sexual attraction? you know, even women who are forced into sex tend to become wet and may even orgasm. that doesn't mean they're experiencing sexual attraction. hell, even not becoming wet shouldn't necessarily be associated with a lack of attraction. anyway rape aside, even an asexual such as myself who does not experience sexual attraction can still "successfully" have sex.

your point about having been able to become wet previously but not now is a valid one, which i have acknowledged in my previous post. i just do not agree with everything else you've said.

*shrugs*

 

Hi
I am a guy and have the same problem as you. It is described by Joe Kort as being a heteroromantic homosexual, or in your case a homoromantic heterosexual. It has been described since the 1860s by a guy called Karl Ulrichs, as being a "disjunctive bisexual".
Anyway, it exists, and it is not easy.

For my own part, I went with the romance part and married a woman. I've been really happy, but I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be with a man. Alternatively, it may be that one day I will meet a man who attracts me romantically, it just hasn't happened yet, and I'm 42 now. I wish I had had a forum like Empty Closets when I was your age but instead I've just had to work it out as I went. Very few therapists seem to understand. Most regard the disjunction as an intimacy disorder and try to convince you that you really are romantically attracted to people to whom you're sexually attracted.

My view after all these years is that it is probably something which is in your brain. I think romance/affection and sexual urges are probably controlled by separate parts of the brain and that is most people they are closely linked, but in some there aren't. I don't think it's particularly unusual, but it is just not widely understood.

 

It seems I've offended you, curlycats. I'm sorry if it was a poor choice of words on my part. I definitely didn't mean to offend, nor did I mean my response the way it apparently read. I was sleepy and just typing out a reply before my allergy medicine made me fall over. I just mean fulfilling sex the the OP both desired, enjoyed, and was able to orgasm from.

Yeah that was also what I was trying to say. That lack of getting wet itself doesn't indicate a problem, and could be caused by something other than lack of sexual attraction.

Bad word choice. Bad word choice. I'm sorry. I just meant "yaaaay! Fun sex I enjoyed it! and I orgasm-ed! Success!"

 

I think I can somewhat relate. I am turned on by nude women but don't seem to be really turned on when I have sex with them. I do want to have sex with them though. With men, I am not turned on by their body (unless I am in love with them) and I get turned when having sex with them. I am romantically attracted to both. How confusing.

 

I'm just like you!!!
-al

 

Today I've been reading on line a bit about bi ness.
I'm beginning to think it/I may actually exist!!!

 

Well, I actually was in a similar situation. I had always loved and had really huge crushes on women, but most of the time I'm only aroused and attracted to males, but was never romantically attached to them.

I had a lot of issues with that, and had therapy about it for some time. It helped a lot in the sexual part of a relationship I had with a girl I truly loved. However, when things ended because of some circumstances that didn't have to do with sex nor love, time passe, I had another crushes and dates and one other relationship and then it happened.
For the first time I fell in love with a guy. And let me tell you, that had a HUGE impact in my life. It was so much confusion and trouble.

In my case I had a huge psychological barrier, but when I tore it off, it got better. Although some timelater I had the same issue with arousal, but it turned out to be another psychological barrier caused by stress, depression and low physical activity. Maybe it has something to do with that.

 

Nowadays, many people have been able to accept a bisexual

 

I don't know, I'm still confused but thanks so much for your posting!