Hello! Im 26 years old. So I've been trying to figure out my sexual orientation for a while now. I don't think I can determine if I am gay or not. I think vaginas looks kind of gross and penises can look delicious. What I know of penises is from porn though, never tried it in real life. And I don't want to. Allthough Im starting to feel obligated to because I don't wanna spend the rest of my life alone.. I have had girlfriends with a pretty much successfull sexual life. Though I have always had problems with getting an erection with girls I just met, and once I started to get to know them it hasn't been a problem. I've been trying to determine for so long with porn now that I don't really get horny like I used to before all this, it is kind of empty and doesn't come with the same exciting feeling.. From what I know I have never ever in real life been checking out guys, only girls. And that is still what I do, even though I kind of try to make myself check out guys. I am not sure any longer that the girls does it for me though, or is it just these thoughts making me not even wanna try to? When I try to picture myself with a guy I get grossed out, but when I see them in porn I do think I get turned on, I don't like to see gay porn though, kind of feels the same as imagining me with a guy. And the same with having a relationship with a guy, it feels like I could never...? When I look at a man though in porn it feels like my erection is just happening naturaly and when I look at women it can happen to, or it doesn't, well, It still works I think. It is all very confusing.. im not sure what's happening. what is sexual attraction really? Well from all this I am suspecting I might be gay, there is to many hints pointing in that direction for me to be able to ignore it any more.. And also all those times having problems getting an erection with women.. But still all those times it has actually worked, well, mainly with my 2 girlfriends I had for a longer while, never really liked to see their vagina though.. People say that wheter or not you are gay is determined on sexual attraction AND feelings. What I know of I never had any feelings towards men. What about the feelings/crushes I had for women? Can that happen while beeing gay? I can tell both if men and women look good. What does it come down to really? Is it just purely where my penis gets an erection from looking at while satisfying myself? Completely apart from what I am thinking or feeling? Is it this small little thing that makes it stand up that is the ONLY difference if I am gay or not? I don't know what to do. I do kind of think im gay, though I am not sure. I could never picture myself beeing intimate with a guy, kissing, loving each other, beeing romantic and all that. I don't know what to do, I see all these couples walking around and I feel that I too want a girlfriend to share everything with, I am so tired of feeling lonely now.... It is getting really depressing and I don't know what to do....
Ok, my 2c worth, Porn isn't necessarily a good or reliable test of whether or not you are anything. It's sex and it's quite possible for a lot of people to get turned on just by seeing sex or by relating to what the characters are feeling. You're a guy, you probably can relate to some degree what the actors in gay porn might be feeling, so you can get turned on/get off to it. Doesn't mean you're gay. I can get off to straight porn pretty easily, but I'm 100% gay and am just relating to what the male actor is feeling. I don't find women or vagina's repulsive, just totally irrelevant, sexually speaking. I would suggest that your erection issues with women may have more to do with anxiety than with orientation. Also, it's possible for a guy to sometimes just have erection issues as part of being a guy. It may be because you're nervous, or tired, or just not all into it, or for no definite reason whatsoever that you can determine. It happens. Unfortunately, when it does it can also create a feedback loop of anxiety about the next time, which can make getting an erection difficult the next time, which re-enforces the loop, etc. Try to relax and not worry about the erection issue, at least if its just been an occasional thing. If it does happen, maybe do something else for a while until you're more into it or the like. If it starts happening a lot, look at what else might be going on in your life or consider a visit to a doctor to look into biological causes. Being able to tell that someone looks good means nothing regarding your orientation. There is an entire multi-billion dollar industry devoted to telling us what looks good for a man or a woman and we are inundated in its messages every waking hour from childhood onward. I'm sure you can tell what is considered a good looking guy in the generic sense as far as your local culture and advertising present it. I can do the same for women. Doesn't mean I have any interest in having sex with them. Putting all this together (and speaking as a 100% gay guy who's been doing this for 20+ years now) I don't think you're gay. I think you're basically a straight guy who is sufficiently open minded that he can get turned on by gay porn (you mentioned getting an erection), but is also prone to a bit of performance anxiety when hooking up with a new woman and is now translating some of that anxiety into worries about being gay. I'd suggest that you stop watching porn (of any kind) and just work on using your imagination and fantasies while masturbating. Don't go into it thinking you need to think about a particular thing, just go with the flow and let your mind and your fantasy go where it goes (if it goes to guys, fine, what happens in your head stays in your head. Maybe at that point regroup and give more thought to the gay/bi angle. But I'm kind of suspecting this isn't going to happen). Also, stop forcing yourself to check out guys. In fact, take it as sort of a starting point that if you are forcing yourself to do something sexually (especially if you have to repeatedly force yourself), it's probably a pretty strong sign that it's not something you are into and you should seriously consider not doing it anymore. Hope this helps, Todd
well, I agree with a lot of what Todd says, but I have a slightly different take. I agree to just allow your fantasies take you wherever they want to go. And I agree that porn isn't the best indicator. But I don't think it's irrelevant either. If Todd has been out for 20 years, there's a good chance he's forgotten how powerful and tempting denial can be. I would go into a state of near panic when I had sexual thoughts about men in my twenties. I would remind myself how much I liked women, which was quite true. I really was very attracted to women. But I think that you have to deal with a bunch of other things that are more pressing than whether or not you have genuinely homosexual feelings. Thinking that vaginas are "gross" suggests some fears about women that you need to examine, probably with a therapist. Men can be either straight or gay and have anxieties about women's sexuality. But whatever your sexual orientation, you'll be happier and healthier if you address this stuff now.
thanks for the replies guys. about the denial thing It's hard for me to know if it is denial or the straight in me that is talking, how could I ever know? and about the vagina gross thing, I mean, I have been enjoying touching it, penetrating it, and occasionally oraly, at least with the first of my 2 girlfriends, just never really liked looking at it.. always thought of it as I am an ass-man and prefer to see the ass instead. now i dont know anymore though. and aktodd, yeah, i guess from now on im gonna have to stop watching porn, i've been thinking this for quiet a while now but then I come up with some new idea and want to check what I get turned on by and it would only last a few days. guess ill have to try it for real.
I gave up trying to figure out what was "denial" and what was "true." You're absolutely right, there is no objective way to answer that. In my case, it was a long, slow, convoluted process of acceptance. I had all sorts of reasons that I wasn't really gay, just confused or conflicted or obsessed or whatever. On the other hand, I think it's true that you can be largely straight but questioning, that there are degrees of bi-sexuality, and so on. As for porn, I'm not necessarily anti-porn. I found it helpful in many ways, because I could see that my desires were those of a fairly typical homosexual man. That was a relief of sorts. The danger with porn is that it reduces the complexities of sexual desire to a function of body parts. Orgasms are great, but the real challenge is intimacy, which means accepting ourselves and others. In this sense, there's not much difference between porn and one-night stands. It may feel good at the time, but you can still be quite lonely afterward.
