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Am I a bisexual in denial?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by ChromeNerd, May 12, 2013.

  1. ChromeNerd

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    When I was fourteen and under I only liked girls. I liked girls in elementary school, but I realized that this might mean I'm gay when I was twelve. I wished I could like boys back then, but I didn't. When I was fourteen I accepted that I wasn't straight. I was about to come out as gay. When I was looking at internet porn I discovered that I preferred to watch gay porn. Lesbian porn didn't do anything for me. After that I started noticing boys a lot more. I was kind of boy crazy when I was fifteen. I know porn doesn't define your sexual orientation, but it's kind of weird that I didn't really notice boys before I watched gay porn. I've mostly had crushes on girls my age, but recently I got a bit of a crush on a male teacher. I don't want to be bisexual. I thought I did when I was younger, but it just feels so unstable and unnatural to me. I'd rather be a lesbian. I've heard that if you'd rather be bi you are gay and if you'd rather be gay you are bi. Is this true?
     
  2. gravechild

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    Porn isn't a reliable indicator of sexuality; I've known of plenty of lesbians who liked watching gay porn over lesbian porn, and who can blame them? A lot of the videos are marketed for straight men and are downright horrible.

    If it feels more 'right' to call yourself a lesbian, then do so, and change it if you feel it doesn't match your orientation later. From what you've said, it sounds like you lean towards women, so I'm not sure why you're fighting it?
     
  3. ChromeNerd

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    I was briefly out as a lesbian to a few people. It was hard because no one believed me. Their doubt rubbed off on me and I started to check out a lot of guys. I re-came out as bisexual because it's more believable. I've always been pretty femme. When I was a little girl I used to love wearing dresses, having long hair and playing with barbies. I did remember that I found girls more attractive when I was a kid. I thought that the only reason girls talked about boys was to seem more mature. I thought that I liked girls because I was too young to like guys. I thought that once I would enter middle school I would like guys more than girls. When I was eleven(just entering middle school) I still wasn't into guys. I still thought that the other girls were pretending to like guys to seem more mature. When I was twelve I noticed that I was liking girls a lot more and the other girls were getting more boy crazy. This is when I first questioned my sexuality. It was a disappointment. I wanted to be straight so badly. I trained myself to look at hot guys more. I remember that I would pick a guy for me to crush on. I would make myself smile and giggle when I was around him or talking about him. I guess everyone fell for my act. I know this makes me sound gay. The reason I'm doubting my sexuality is because I think I'm sort of attracted to guys right now. I know for sure I wasn't attracted to guys back then.
     
    #3 ChromeNerd, May 13, 2013
    Last edited: May 13, 2013
  4. gravechild

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    It sounds like denial to me, though, who am I to say you don't feel some attraction towards men? You could be a gay leaning bisexual, a lesbian with 'exceptions' or 'quirks', or something else entirely, but the consensus seems to be that you're attracted to women by a wide margin. Attraction to women then, attracted to women now... it seems rather self-explanatory, but perhaps you're not ready to make that leap yet.

    For me, the attractions fluctuate anywhere from 70/30, 60/40, 65/35, with women as the dominant preference, but I still identify as bisexual, acknowledging those attractions towards men. It's not the same between men and women for me, but I can say with certainty that I have some degree of genuine attraction for both. This isn't denial, this isn't 'edgy', this isn't some passing phase.

    You should focus on admitting the truth to yourself, after finding that truth, of course, and less on what others think. This seems to be an issue you've been struggling with for a while, so do yourself a favor and try lesbian for a while.
     
  5. ChromeNerd

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    I'm mostly confused because I feel like I'm a lesbian, but I'm occasionally attracted to guys. I admit I'm a bit biphobic. Whenever I hear a girl is a bisexual the first thing that comes to my mind is straight and confused. It's like I emotionally don't believe in bisexuality. I intellectually know bisexuality is real, but my heart doesn't seem to believe it exists. I think this is why I think I feel like I'm a lesbian.
     
    #5 ChromeNerd, May 13, 2013
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  6. gravechild

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    Well, if it's causing that much distress, I would say to stay away from labeling yourself for a while. Can you live with the uncertainty? One of the pluses is you'll feel more free to follow your attractions without having to analyze and validate them constantly.

    Labels are just that - labels. Even within the gay and lesbian populations, there's an incredible amount of diversity, so yes, sexuality can be quite complex. Some people don't decide until they're much older, and some never settle at all.

    It sounds cliche, but try to go what feels natural for now.
     
    #6 gravechild, May 13, 2013
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  7. jdeb1992

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    5 on the kinsey scale maybe?
     
  8. ChromeNerd

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    Maybe. I think being a 5 on the kinsey scale is the worst place you can be. You obviously don't fit in with the straights, you don't fit in with the gays and you don't fit in with bisexuals either. I guess I'll be forever alone. :frowning2:
     
  9. ZangMD

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    That is kind of a revelation to me. I have relied heavily on porn to indicate my sexual orientation. I pretty much only like gay porn, but it might be that they usually just get right to it, and that straight porn is so full of dirtiness and horrendous acting. Haha
    When I have watched straight porn, I find the most straightforward intercourse 101 type stuff (but that's still a bit passionate.) Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for reminding me that porn might not sum up the situation for those of us that haven't had sex.
     
  10. Hexagon

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    If you like guys and girls, but want to be a lesbian, then be a lesbian. No one says you have to date men. And don't think that you'll never fit in with lesbians, you do, after all, have a lot in common. Just because you may also feel attracted to men, but you don't date them, doesn't mean you can't hang out with lesbians.

    Yes, sexuality is not defined by who you have sex with, but you can always define it yourself.
     
  11. ChromeNerd

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    I guess I don't have to date guys. I'm just scared that I'll label myself a lesbian and fall for a guy. Even if I was a "pure" lesbian I probably would not fit into the lesbian community. I'm Hispanic, femme, unpolitical and extremely awkward. I also don't fit in with Hispanics. I got bullied a lot in elementary school. It was because of being a weird nerd, not because of being perceived as gay. I also seem to attract horny straight guys a lot. I really hate being hit on by horny straight guys.
     
  12. Idris

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    I've felt the same way. It's why I haven't fully come out to anyone else, was because I was so scared that once I did, I'd all of the sudden backpedal and fall for the opposite sex. But then I decided that I needed to just be me, and whatever happens, allow it to happen. I try to let myself express my thoughts, and not suppress them. And plus, I realized that if I felt the same way now as I did at thirteen, it's clearly not going to change and that I needed to accept myself somehow. I suggest to follow your heart, it's a piece of advice I was given early on when I was questioning again two years ago and I've been following it ever since :slight_smile: