To quote someone else on here, I think this post is probably way TMI. I think the quickest way to sum up my sexual orientation is that guys seem to do it for me sexually, but women do it for me romantically, and I've never actually had sex. But this is an oversimplification, as almost any attempt to explain sexuality seems to be for me. I feel like the only way I can really get the help I need is to tell y'all as much as I can about my past. I am in my later twenties, and I have thought that I was straight, gay, asexual, and bisexual all in the matter of the last couple years. Needless to say, it's been quite confusing. Let's go all the way back: so I grew up in a very religious home. Sex before marriage was an absolute no, masturbation, a no, and homosexuality a big no. That was my basic mindset all through puberty and even into my mid-twenties. I didn't really question it. Doesn't that just sound weird? After talking with friends who grew up in the same or similar environments, I realized that I was the ONLY one that didn't masturbate even once. I always tried and failed in my attempts at dating girls, and that likely stems from me never advancing things physically. (We're talking I held hands, but NEVER even kissed girls.) I never masturbated, I never spent time fantasizing, never watched porn, and really just didn't think about sex. I now look back and wonder if that is a very strong sign that I'm asexual. But I don't know. Maybe I was just really good at following my religious upbringing, and I did as I was told and "put bad thoughts out of my mind as soon as they came in." Or maybe I just have a serious aversion to showing affection in those ways. (I don't think that's the case, because I definitely enjoyed cuddling or holding hands with girls.) So finally, for whatever reason a couple years ago, I actually started thinking more about sex, asking questions about it, and trying to introduce myself to it. I started with looking up questions about penises and sexual things on the internet. I found myself starting to get turned on by penises. Finally, one day, I tried masturbating. Things escalated, and I continued masturbating, but it also started accompanying looking at men. Eventually, I actually started looking at porn with males masturbating while I did it. All the while I was feeling insanely guilty because I had gone SO long without doing these things that I felt were immoral. So I still wouldn't let myself objectify women, but I was "letting myself" look at men that way. It was like, I decided that just looking at the act I was doing wasn't lusting after the men, and I was still not degrading women by looking at women in porn. (It sounds silly now.) So I was still telling myself that I was straight. I just wasn't letting myself involve women, and the addition of anything sexual was what I felt was turning me on. Now I think I just needed a way to cope with the fact that men were turning me on. So then I started thinking that I was homosexual, and I started looking at straight porn. I found that only the most straightforward stuff turned me on. Female solo stuff doesn't do it for me at all. And even with the straight porn, I was more just thinking about my penis than I was thinking at all about how desirable the woman was. However, later on, I sometimes have felt that way about women in porn. But almost always men can turn me on. So the fact that I'm attracted to my same gender is very clear. I still see girls and think they're beautiful and I want to date them. To further complicate things, I don't really want to actually have sex with men. Though I have had a couple fantasies about men. But still, I don't want to actually have sex with them. I do still very much want to have sex with women, but their bodies don't really turn me on the same way a man's does. It's like I just want to look at a man but be having sex with a woman. But at the same time, in my romantic endeavors, sex never comes to mind really. So I feel like I'm bisexual in that I still want to try it with a woman, and I very much want to have kids with a woman, but men's bodies turn me on. But, again, I'm referring to these things like it's constant. I don't really think about sex much at all. I also kind of more think of it like a mechanical thing. So I feel like I'm a bit asexual, too. (Ugh, I feel so weird saying this stuff, but I just need to get it all out of my head.) The point is... I don't know who I should be dating, or what we should be doing. I just feel so stuck. Because I want a relationship. I want to have companionship. But I don't know if I'm going to be happier with men or women. And then there's the whole my religion thing, but this obviously isn't the place to discuss that. I'm more concerned about whether I will be able to ever find my way, and ever even have sex! I feel too old to be figuring this all out now, too. So I don't know if this post is really asking any questions, but I guess I'm just posting this to have someone listen, and maybe one of you can somewhat relate and let me know if you've found solutions for any of this weirdness that I'm calling my sexual orientation.
Well, establishing what you want is an important first step. Unfortunately, no one can tell you your orientation; however, I may be able to offer a little insight. When I was a teenager, I had similar feelings. I was romantically and emotionally attracted to women, sexually and physically attracted to men. I was born and raised in the Deep South, so I too felt extreme guilt associated with my gay urges. At a certain point, I tried to just take a shortcut so I could come out on the other side. I said "I'm gay" aloud one time while I was driving, but I just felt uncomfortable and felt it not true. So I was left in this sort of limbo of "where do I go from here?" I had a girlfriend that I'd mess around with, but I did that because I knew she enjoyed it, not because I did. I ended up striking up a friendship with a guy I'd known since I was little (we were in the same friend group, but didn't know each other that well). He too was deeply Christian and didn't date too often. We soon realized that we had so much in common: we wanted the wife, the two kids, the white picket fence, but had little interest in the women around us. We continued to get closer, and eventually our friendship became physical, and we fell in love. We've since broken up (with him still in the closet), and what I've come to realize is, I had preconceived notions about what being gay would be like. Because their are so many stereotypes and connotations that go along with being LGBT, I envisioned that I'd have to have a certain personality in order to be gay. And that's just not true. So I'd recommend just taking a big step back and take a deep breath. For me, I realized that I find men easier to trust and to be relaxed around. I know it seems like you'll never figure it out, but I promise, you will. Find a friend to talk to, these feelings are alot more common than you'd think, especially for those of us who fall outside all stereotypes. But I'd say you need to stop trying to label yourself right off the bat, you're in a transitional state in your life where your likes are changing. It's scary, but it'll work itself out.
Excellent advise from Stray. Don't bother with labels. You can worry about trying to fit yourself into some category that is only a sort of fiction. The split you experience between romantic interest and sexual excitement is not all that unusual. I have experienced it my whole life, which led me to identify as straight despite my strong sexual interest in men. Be as open and honest with yourself as possible. It's not always easy, and a good therapist can help keep you on track. A good therapist generally has more questions than answers, but the questions are often ones that make us uncomfortable and are afraid to ask ourselves or answer clearly.
Thanks so much Stray. I really needed to hear all of that. I have been so caught up in it that I'm forgetting to just do what makes me happy. Frankly, I just am really lonely lately, and I'm so sick of watching all my friends find people, and I'm just always alone. I think that's why I want to be able to know exactly what I am so that I can just feel comfortable with it and move forward. Wrhla, it's excellent advise that I open up to a therapist about this. I had therapy a couple years ago, but I was still just suppressing any chance that I might not be straight then, so I didn't bring any of this up. I'm trying to be honest with myself, but it's tough when I feel like there are societal pressures on both sides to just fall into a category. Thanks so much for responding, both of you.
