Alrighty. So I'm 19 years old and I think I might like girls as well as guys. I've been trying to convince myself since I was in middle school that it's just adoration and a girl crush. I get aroused by both women and men when I watch porn. I convinced myself that it's just the act of sex itself that's making me aroused even when it's lesbian porn (though I also get turned on by male on male sex and just gay love itself and that's just something else entirely I could never be comfortable admitting outside of the web). I have trouble admitting it to myself and to others. My hands were shaking when I texted my cousin to tell her I have an interest in girls. We're very close and she used to be homophobic but recently dated a woman. I've told my sister and 2 guy friends too. My sister says I'm shallowsexual. That I might just be attracted to their looks because they're beautiful women. I took her words as fact. I just feel very uncomfortable with this whole thing. I'm by no means homophobic. I've been raised in a very open gay friendly environment. My family is Catholic but we don't condemn homosexuals. My sister and I are friends with and know most of the gay, lesbian, transgender, and bisexual people in our city. It's quite a lot. Which is one of the reasons I don't feel comfortable saying this to my friends. I'd feel like a hypocrite. I'm the type who would egg someone on and tell them it's better to be open about yourself and screw the jerks. Yet I'm a coward who can't even be open with myself. I've also said some harsh things towards some classmates with my friends. Not attacking them for their sexual orientation, but in my high school it's no exaggeration to say that half of the female students in the school were claiming to be bisexual. Like it was a fad. It just didn't make sense that on a random Monday everyone decided to date everyone. I was unfair and judged them all calling them childish girls who just want to get attention from equally immature boys who just want to see girls together. My two best friends agreed and they actually find it gross. Like they dislike lesbians as if they'll be molested but love gay men (as friends). So I think they'll have bad thoughts towards me and maybe think I'm fake or weird. I can't imagine myself with a girl romantically. Like going on dates and taking her to meet my family. But I can imagine the lust and sex. Granted I've never kissed a girl or had any kind of sex, foreplay, or fondling with any gender. I've kissed my first boyfriend at age 17 after three weeks and I broke it off a week after that because the kiss felt wrong. Like if he kissed me again I'd feel disgusted. A few months after that I let my brother's best friend kiss me and it felt disgusting as well. I had a huge crush on this other guy for three years yet when I finally got the chance to with him in my room...I wanted him to leave. I wanted the kiss in all three situations. I initiated it. But it didn't feel right. My sister called me a lesbian and I shouted at her as if it was an insult. My guy friend who I'm also in love with (which gives me another reason to want to believe I'm just straight) teases me and tells me I should date a girl. I feel awful when I snap at him telling him to shut his mouth. I want to kiss a girl to see but I don't want any regrets or weird feelings. I'm terrified to even try. I'm sure I'll be shaking before I even attempt and I want no one to know. I have no luck with guys and I usually end up pushing them away when it comes to being physical. I'm secretly hoping if I date a female I push her away as well so I'm not more lesbian than bisexual (if that's what I am).
